Just had my interview with Simpson & Deardorff. I totally blew it.

I went and got my haircut earlier today. I went to this trendy place called Cha-Cha. The girl was good, the haircut was decent, but not really what i envisioned, although ok. I don't know. It's hard to judge the final product when i have no idea what i wanted to begin with.

After the haircut i went home and took a shower. Then i put on my suit and got ready to rock and roll. I looked super-awesome, if i do say so myself. And i remain steadfast in my position that I will never buy a white dress shirt. I'll go down with this ship if i need to, but i am way too fucking cool for a white dress shirt.

I stepped outside my door and saw, to my horror, that it was raining. I had about 40 minutes to get to the interview. Plenty of time, except for the rain. I went back into my apartment and frantically searched for an umbrella i know exists. No umbrella. I put on my down jacket, stuffed my papers in my shirt (the portfolio i normally used seems to have disappeared after spring break, when it was used as the slush fund holder) and ran for it. I made it to the car relatively unscathed. I drove to school amid ridiculous traffic. I parked and started walking (in the rain) towards the law school, with a brief detour at the Peterson building to get my official transcripts. The woman there was nice enough to give me an envelope to put all my documents in so that they would get wetter.

Ran to the school and got to the interview room just as the previous interviewer left. I didn't have time to collect my thoughts, let alone prepare thoughtful, insightful answers. Therefore, i was screwed.

They tell you that the best interviews are the ones that are like conversations at a cocktail party. If my interview had happened at a cocktail party, not only would i not have gotten the interviewer's number, she would have told all her friends about what a boring loser i was.

The interviewer told me about the firm, which sounds very cool. Then she said "So, it looks like you're interested in litigation..." I said something about how i was really excited about litigation because it's very diverse and interesting and not tedious, then i realized that she had just said to me that litigation was cool because it's very diverse and interesting and not tedious. That pretty much set the tone for the rest of the interview. Finally, she asked me if i had any other questions. And then i said it, the worst thing you could possibly say in an interview (ok, perhaps not as bad as talking about the time you killed a guy, but still). I said: "No, i think you've already answered them all." Here's a pop-quiz to determine whether you're a law student. If you're saying to yourself "ummm... why is that a bad thing to say?" you are not a law student. On the other hand, if you're saying "Ismael, you're a fucking moron! You never say that in an interview, it makes you look disintereseted and indifferent, which is not what you want to project to an employer who has to carefully weigh who to make offers to! You moron!!" then chances are you are a law student. I told this story earlier in the atrium, and i swear the two 3Ls there both said "ouch!" and grimmaced.

So, i blew the interview. No one to blame but myself, i suppose. Thankfully, i have a fallback option, and i'm ok with that. There are also two other firms i'm still waiting to hear back from, one in Madison and one in Chicago. I swear, no matter how much the world doesn't want me to be one, i will be a lawyer.

Tonight, i'm going to make a brief appearance at the Law Revue rehearsal and then go home to clean the place up for poker, which will take place after dinner. I'm excited.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Life Sucks Sometimes

Went out with the MBEs last night. Had a good time, got drunk. Fucked up my thumb.

Woke up and i was hung the fuck over. I almost decided not to go to evidence, but i forced myself to get to class. I went without a laptop, though, since my laptop was in my car and my car was in some random parking ramp downtown. So the cab dropped me off at school just in time for evidence. I sat through it and vaguely listened, but not more than i would have if i i had had my laptop. More proof that banning laptops would be stupid. After evidence, i sat around and did nothing for about half an hour. I was hungry, but i couldn't motivate myself to go and get food. Being hungover sucks.

I finally went down to Charlie's and got a horribly unhealthy but totally satisfying sandwhich. After that, i walked up State Street and got my car, which i then drove back to school because i needed to turn in my questionnaire for EIC and SME by 5. Got that done and then i left the school.

I went and picked up my dry-cleaning and then headed to the mall because i needed some collar stays for my interview and in general. Also, i was looking for a red french-cuff shirt for the Barrister's Ball, but no one at the mall had one. They're all a bunch of idiots. I even went into banana republic. I hate the banana republic. There's no justification for charging $100 for a dress shirt. That's insane. Still, no one had what i wanted. Although i did get the collar stays. And shoe polish.

Now i'm home. I'm about to warm up some food and then possibly study insurance.

Oh, and who's visiting my blog from Plano, Texas?

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Fun Shit I've Done , Hanging Out With My Friends

Ok, first, at Althouse's blog, she gives a link to this article. It discusses a conference during which Christians got together and talked about how they're persecuted. I want to take a moment to point out how stupid these people are. (I want it to be understood that it is not my position that all Christians are stupid - just that these particular ones are.)

White evangelicals make up about one-quarter of the U.S. population, and 85 percent of Americans identify themselves as Christians. But three-quarters of evangelicals believe they are a minority under siege and nearly half believe they are looked down upon by most of their fellow citizens, according to a 2004 poll.

Ok. When you make up 85% of the population, and the President is on your side, can you really, legitimately claim to be "under siege"? Answer: no, you cannot. So what gives rise to this feeling of persecution? Let's see if the rest of the article gives us an idea. Here's what good ol' Tom Delay had to say:

"We are after all a society that abides abortion on demand, that has killed millions of innocent children, that degrades the institution of marriage and often treats Christianity like some second-rate superstition. Seen from this perspective, of course there is a war on Christianity," he said.

We abide abortion on demand? Eh, maybe. Unless you live in South Dakota, where legislators have decided that they're above the annoying mandates of the U.S. Constitution. In any event, just because a government refuses to pass laws that exactly reflect your moral perspective doesn't mean you're being persecuted. We've killed millions of innocent children? I'm not really sure what he's talking about here, but i take it that it's another abortion thing. I won't even touch this one cause it's so inflamatory and conclusory. I will, however, mention that i'm sure tons of innocent children have died in Afghanistan and Iraq, along with a lot of innocent adults. Still, Mr. Delay seems to be just fine with that. All i'm saying is that he should pick a position: pro dead kids or anti dead kids, and stick with it. Next? Ah, yes, we're degrading marriage. Mr. Delay overlooks the fact that his narrow-minded and homophobic view of marriage degrades the lives of millions of Americans. Again, there is no sound policy behind his position, just religious dogma. We here in a non-religious state are allowed to pass laws that Jesus wouldn't have agreed with, Mr. Delay (if, in fact, Jesus would have been anti-homosexual). Finally, we treat Christianity like a second-rate superstition. Do we? I don't know. I do know two things, though:

1. We are allowed to treat Christianity like a second-rate superstition. By "we," i mean society. The government, on the other hand, shouldn't be treating Christianity like anything, it should remain neutral. Still, that's not the case, and that's at least arguably unconstitutional.
2. Some Christians treat other religions (or the lack of religion) much worse than a second-rate superstition. Christians make up the majority of America, but that doesn't give them the right to ask for considerations that they're unwilling even to consider giving other religious groups.

So all these stupid accusations means there's a war on Christianity? Man, Tom Delay is an idiot. Still, we all knew that. Let's see what else is up:

Much of the conference revolved around the difficulty of Christian parenting in a culture of sexual permissiveness. Don Feder, founder of a group called Jews Against Anti-Christian Defamation, urged the crowd not to blame "the liberal, self-hating Jews in Hollywood."

"Remember, the people in this audience are more Jewish than people like Barbra Streisand, because you embrace Jewish values, she doesn't," he said.

Another Jewish speaker, Michael Horowitz, told the conference that the "Christian decency of this country" saved him from becoming "a bar of soap" in Nazi Germany.

"You guys have become the Jews of the 21st century," said Horowitz.

I'm sorry, but these comments are too stupid and too scary to even comment on, really. To say that the religous group that does and has always held the majority of power in a country is akin to the Jews in Nazi Germany is just... disgusting. Further, i thought that Christians were supposed to be good Christians, not good Jews? I thought they were different things? Do Christians have to keep kosher now?

Klingenschmitt said he was punished by a commander for offering sectarian prayers at a memorial service for a fallen sailor, and he compared himself to Abdur Rahman, an Afghan man who until this week faced possible execution for converting from Islam to Christianity.

Now, i don't know all the circumstances of this event, and it could very well be that Mr. Klingenschmitt's superiors were wrong. After all, i think people should be able to pray and lead prayers as long as the participants are participating voluntarily. Still, it's a leap to go from this instance of possible stupidity on the part of the superiors to alleging all-out persecution. And it's simply unfathomable to say that Mr. Klingenschmitt is in any way comparable to Abdur Rahman, who was arrested and threatened with death simply for becoming a Christian. This comparison is insulting.

Lloyd Marcus, a painter, said he entered three paintings in a Black History Month art show at the City Hall of Deltona last month. But because the canvases showed a man wearing an "I love Jesus" cap and a minister holding a Bible, city officials deemed them inappropriate until the Alliance Defense Fund, a Christian legal group, threatened a lawsuit, he said.

Again, it's stupid of the Delton officials not to allow Mr. Marcus' artwork. But that can hardly be taken as conclusive evidence of a war against Christians.

The Rev. Tom Crouse, pastor of a Congregational Church in Holland, Mass., said that after hearing about a gay beauty pageant in California, he decided to hold a "Mr. Heterosexual Contest" in Worcester, Mass., on Feb. 18.

"It was just an event to proclaim the truth that God created us all heterosexual," he said. But to his surprise, he said, he received anonymous death threats, local officials condemned the contest, and "even Bible-believing churches were not on board. They said it wasn't loving."

Man, when you do something that makes other Christians question you, you've gotta stop and think if what you're doing is cool. Not Rev. Crouse, though. Once more, Rev. Crouse has the right to hold his pageant. Others have the right to protest. I'm sure that the pageant in California got more than a few letters from Christians, but I doubt Rev. Crouse thinks that's evidence of a war against homosexuals. Still, he's more than willing to believe that a few letters delivered to him indicate a war against Christians.

Idiots, man.

The other thing:

The U.S. News and World Report law school rankings have been leaked! While i won't link to them, i have seen them. UWLaw is ranked 33rd, which is about where it was when i decided to come here. That's good, because the rumors around the atrium have been that we almost slipped into the 40s. It's a good thing to know we're still clinging to the low 30s.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)| Filed under Legal Rants , Philosophical Rants , Political Rants , Rants on the News

In this post, i discussed my enduring love for the word "fuck," the most versatile word in our language. I read this article (while in professional responsibilities, thereby not paying attention in a single one of my classes today).

You know what? There are some circumstances where curse words are entirely inappropriate. I will never, for example, curse in court. And that's just one of many examples. While i love cursing, i fully grant that there are times when it's cool and times when it's not.

However, social situations are fair game as far as i'm concerned. And certainly public is fair game. Hearing the word "fuck" is just one of the many risks you take when you step outside your house in a free society. You also run the risk that someone will try to tell you you're going to hell, show you a picture of an aborted fetus, and try to convert you to Christianity. You also run the risk of hearing some guy in an orange suit play the piccolo, or of seeing ugly people, or of being called a name. That's one of the advantages and disadvantages of our society.

You don't wanna curse? Then don't. You don't wanna hear it on tv? Then change the channel.

All of this, however, is completely independent of the fact that it's stupid to be offended by a word on principle. "Fuck" and "shit" are not inherently offensive. For that matter, neither is what they mean: sexual intercourse and feces are not offensive. No word is offensive without context. For example, i sometimes use the word "spic" in conversation, not in a derrogatory sense but in order to illustrate a point or for some other not-offensive reason. Let's pretend i say this: "One of the racial slurs for Mexicans is 'spic,' but i've never been called that." There's no way that my use of the word is offensive. Of course, given a different context it's completely different.

So, what could possibly be offensive about referring to "my fucking car"? I honestly don't know.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)| Filed under

So, yesterday we filmed for Law Revue (the show). We have two movies this year: the first is Brokeback Hill, starring Walter Dickey and Michael Smith as wanna-be Torts professors. The second is Community Justice Commandos. I was involved primarily in the second one, in the starring role of "Commando No. 1." The Commando costume includes the following: black shirt, black pants, black shoes, black tie, black judge's robe, black ski mask and black sunglasses. In order to film it, Cole and i had to run around the law school in the outfit i've just mentioned beating up undergrads and various other unjust-type people. It was actually exhausting and challenging to act with your face completely covered by a mask.

It was a lot of fun, and i was happy to give up a day of studying to be a superhero. Hopefully everyone will get a kick out of it at the show.

After filming, Cole and i went and saw V for Vendetta. (Read Cole's review of the movie here. Cole discusses the political themes very well). It was an excellent movie, and it got me thinking. In the movie, the main character, V, opposes what has become a tyrannical and totalitarian British government (clearly a mixture of 1984 and Nazi Germany). The people of Britain, while not as oppressed as the people in 1984, are nonetheless oppressed. V opposes this government, and is willing to take extraordinary measures to bring it down. While V is an anti-hero, neither good nor bad, really, it is the results of his actions that got me thinking the most.

Warning, spoilers follow, highlight to read:

V takes over a tv station and broadcasts a message telling the citizens of Britain to meet him at the house of Parliament on November 5th of the following year if they are sick of their government. A year later, what looks like the entire population of London shows up, despite the warning that anyone protesting on that day will be shot, and despite the presence of a whole hell of a lot of military forces. V was able to inspire a multitude of people to risk their lives in order to challenge an oppressive, lying, dishonest, evil government.

End spoilers

The parallels to America are obvious. The only thing is that here, people aren't risking much. There are a few voices here and there, but widespread dissent is rare, even in Madison, Wisconsin. Am i a violent liberal? Fuck no, but that's not my point. My point isn't that Bush is evil or that conservatives are ruining America. My point is merely that people in this country have accepted the idea that two parties sum up the entire valid political spectrum. In addition, abuse of power continues (on both sides of the aisle) and little or nothing is done. The climax of V for Vendetta is a fictional version of something that does happen in real life. Need proof? The clearest and most resonant example is the man who stood down a motherfuckin' tank in Tiananmen. For freedom, democracy, etc., that guy stood up to a tank!

And our politicians review every speech to make sure that they seem defiant while saying almost nothing substantive. Even John McCain's given up on his vehemently independent image in favor of... well, who the hell knows what. But the politicians, like the media, are not to blame; they only give us what we want.

In any event, come to Law Revue (the show)(even though i won't be there, in all likelihood) and watch V for Vendetta.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Fun Shit I've Done , Funny Shit , Movie Reviews , Philosophical Rants , Political Rants

How about undergrads playing with motherfucking colored pencils?!?!?!?!

Seriously, there is an undergrad to the table to my left working with colored pencils. It doesn't look like he's coloring anything... i don't know what the fuck he's doing. But let me tell you, he's making an obscene amount of noise. It's like he doesn't know that wacking pencils together makes noise. And as if that wasn't bad enough, he seems to be making it a point to bang the pencils every time he changes colors. So, he's like "ok, i need red. there's the red, completely away from all the other pencils. but i'd better make sure i touch all the other colors with the red one, just to make sure they're all happy. Uh-oh, this isn't the exact shade of red i need. I'd better dig around in the zip lock bag of colored pencils. Ok, gotta make sure to move them all around... still haven't found the exact shade i need... why is that Mexican guy looking at me? Ah! there it is! Ok, let's throw the bag back onto the table as loudly as possible. Hey, i wonder if i can use the colored pencils as drum sticks. [pause] I can! [points to genitals]"

Asshole.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)| Filed under Funny Shit , Rants About Things That Make Me Irrationally Angry

So, i shared Katherine's outrage and shock when Vin Diesel announced that he was a serious actor. The whole world came into question. Now, however, the Vin Diesel movie in question, Find Me Guilty, has been released and we can examine whether Vin Diesel really should be taken seriously or whether he's just a muscular moron. Here now are some excerpts from the Find Me Guilty page at Rottentomatoes.com:

"It shouldn't work, but the story runs on pure Diesel."

"It fails on almost every level possible to fail on"

"Diesel owns it. He hits us in the eye with the whole pizza pie."

"Certainly evidence that truth is stranger than fiction, but it's also
tedious and shockingly uninvolving."

"The most fun I've had at the movies this year."

"Diesel isn't amusing, so he merely comes off as a showy actor in a bad
wig."

So, what the hell? The reviews are a decidedly mixed bags. More shockingly, though, even reviewers that didn't like the movie still granted that Vin Diesel was good!

So maybe the world has turned upside down. In any event, it doesn't sound like this movies is half as bad as The Chronicles of Riddick(ulous), and i'm actually very curious to see it. Still, i'll be watching V for Vendetta first.

In any event, Maroon 5, Five for Fighting and The O.C. all still suck. Hard.

UPDATE: Courtesy of Chrystal, check out this picture of Mr. Diesel:

Now, if that's not hilarious, i don't know what is.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)| Filed under Funny Shit , Movie Reviews

But first, the results from the last poll. The fad that the majority of you wish was over: Uggs, with 21.74%. In second place, up-turned collars. Tied for 3rd, being charged for ranch and pretending U2 doesn't suck. No one seemed to have a problem with men wearing pink, which i find surprising. Note: i disqualified radio stations on "random" because Katherine vote for it approximately 18 times, thereby ruining the poll. Thanks a lot, Katherine.

For the next poll, i've taken a bit of a different course: What is your favorite meteorological phenomenon? Make sure to weigh in. And if you can think of ones that should be up that i haven't listed, make sure to let me know.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)| Filed under Polls

I had this conversation today in the atrium after seeing that it's snowing pretty hard:

Me: Why is it snowing?
Friend: Because it's spring.

Man, it feels like winter has been going on forever.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Funny Shit

Ok, seriously. I swore that i was going to buckle down and work yesterday. What did i do? Almost the exact opposite. I did almost exactly nothing. How the hell does that happen?

Today, i've got bar review, which i have to go to to support Law Revue (the show). Tomorrow is poker, which i will not cancel under any circumstances.

Sunday we're filming the Law Revue movies.

That means Saturday, i have to buckle the fuck down. Also, Friday before poker and Sunday after the filming.

I need to get caught up in Insurance Law (which i missed again this morning) and i need to start outlining.

Oh man, i'm fucked.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Law School

I would like to announce (although this will come as a surprise to no one) that i am officially a candidate for Editor-in-Chief and, failing that, Senior Managing Editor of the Wisconsin Law Review.

Wish me luck.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Wisconsin Law Review

There will be several spring break-related posts. I will be unable to post all of these simultaneously. Therefore, i've created this index, which i will keep as the most recent post, as a sort of table of contents. Ready to be read right now:

A Spring Break Primer: Know Your Spring Breakers
Day One: Skunks and Antiques
Day Two: Florida is a Long Fucking Cock
Day Three: Us Against The Man
Day Four: Chillin’ Out, Maxin’, Relaxin’ and Coolin’
Day Five: Twilight to Starlight and Dawn to Dusk
Day Six: King Three Off-Suit and Telekinesis
Day Seven: Popozao and Pax Americana
Day Eight: South Beach
Day Nine: All Good Things . . .

There you go. All the days of our trip in blog form. Enjoy!

Also, be sure to check out Cole's list of quotes from the trip and Ryan's acount of our adventure.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)| Filed under Spring Break

10:39 am

Final cleanup of the room has started. Zachar is massively hung over. I’m doin’ alright. Cole’s ready for first shift, I’m taking second. Man, it’s really over...

12:40 pm

Just had lunch at the Denny’s across the street from the beautiful Monaco. Now we’re heading north on A1A, beginning our 24-hour trek to Wisconsin. We’re keeping the music low in order to avoid “noise-induced vomiting� on Zachar’s part.

We walked down to the beach one last time before we left. Man, it’s beautiful down here. It’s hard to leave, especially considering all the work we have to do. Personally, I have about 300 pages of insurance law to read, as well as lots of work to do for my clients. Last night, I was ranting about how I’m going to be a shitty lawyer, and this girl at the next table started laughing her ass off. It was kinda funny, I suppose, but it got me thinking about whether I actually will be a shitty lawyer. I guess time will tell.

12:45 pm

Cole just almost killed us. He needed to change over to right-hand lane. The problem is that he can’t see out the back cause we’ve got so much shit back there. Ryan told him that it was not clear, but Cole had already started the lane change. We didn’t get in an accident, but it was kinda close. Let’s hope that’s the closest we come to some sort of vehicular mishap.

5:30 pm, Jacksonville, Florida

Cole’s been driving for a while now. He’s done really well. We remain alive. We’re about to stop for gas and possibly a driver change. I’m the next shift, and the plan is for me to drive through Georgia. I think I’m up to it, although I’m feeling pretty groggy. I’ve been in and out this whole time. Still, the prospect of being home is enough motivation for me to pull it together and conquer Georgia.

After that, the plan is for Zachar or Ryan to driver through Tennessee and Kentucky, and then for the last person to drive the final leg: Illinois and, finally, Wisconsin.

5:53 pm, Maccleney, Florida

Just stopped to fill up on gas. Cole is going to continue driving for the time being. Strangely, we’ve found that this is the same place we stopped on the way down for breakfast at the Waffle House. Strange.

6:50 pm, Just North of the Georgia State Line

Just penetrated Georgia. Cole is still at the helm. The plan is to proceed for perhaps another half hour and then get dinner, after which I will take over and drive.

It took us 6 hours and ten minutes to get through Florida. It didn’t feel that bad, either. When we were on our way to Miami, Florida felt like it was half the trip. It must have been the anticipation of finally being in the same state as our destination, but still being so far away. This time, we’re no where near home yet, so I guess that anticipation just doesn’t exist. I bet Illinois will feel like it took forever, though. Strangely, Illinois felt like it took forever on the way down, too. I guess when Illinois isn’t Chicago, it just sucks.

6:57 pm, Just South of Valdosta, Georgia

We just passed an old Ford Tempo (or something similar) with army men glued to the roof.

10:18pm, Forsyth, Georgia

Stopped for gas. I’ve been driving for a while now, I’m feeling good. I’m sure I can make it to Tennessee.

In the gas station bathroom, there were several condom options, which is good in case you find yourself in the middle of no where and need a condom. In any event, we bought one of the random “toys.� Given the wonderful cream I got, I can now “pleasure her longer,� according to the package. Excellent.

Also, apparently the Georgians don’t know shit about math. Cole bought two Krispy Kremes. He intended to only buy one, but he was told that it was $.74 for one or $.54 for two. Being a reasonable man, Cole bought two. But what the fuck? How could it possibly make sense to sell two for less than one? What the fuck?

1:00 am, Somewhere Just Across the Tennessee Border

Happy birthday, Zachar. You are now old enough to run for the U.S. Congress. Congratulations. Of course, Zachar was the drunkest of us all last night, so I’d say he celebrated just fine. What sucks is that we’re spending his actual birthday on an interstate.

Zachar has started driving, and now I’m in the backseat with Cole. Zachar is a good driver, but he tends to make turns in increments, and he’s also not used to driving a top-heavy vehicle like the seXterra. Still, I’m fairly certain he won’t kill us.

The box in the back that contains the grill occasionally makes a squeaking sound, thanks to the Styrofoam. Cole has started hitting it every time the noise starts, which just makes a sound like some vital portion of the car has exploded. I swear, my heart stops every time he does it.

We looked for the “Beaver Carpets� sign that amused us so much on the drive to Florida, but we have yet to find it, and I’m pretty sure we should have seen it by now. Damn.

We’re more than halfway home now. What an accomplishment. Only the rest of Tennessee, Kentucky, and Illinois stand between us and our home state. By this time tomorrow, I plan on being safely asleep in my own bed. Oh, what a great time that will be.

Zachar just farted.

3:06 am, Just North of the Tennessee/Kentucky Border

Under Zachar’s incremental yet competent control, the seXterra has just penetrated Kentucky. We’re fucking almost three quarters of the way home.

3:48 am, Near Princeton, Ky

We stopped for gas at a Chevron off the highway. The Chevron was closed, but we were still able to buy gas with a credit card. The Chevron was very sketchy, as there were several cars with sleeping people in them. Also, it’s fucking cold! Goddamnit, I miss Florida.

According to our expert navigator Ryan, we are within fifty miles of Illinois. Good fucking God, I can’t believe we’re so close to home. I think I’m about two minutes from going completely slap happy.

4:26 am, Just North of the Kentucky/Illinois Border

Good news: We’re now in Illinois, which means that we only have to conquer one more state before arriving safely in Madison.

Bad news: My iPod has apparently died. Again. This means that we’ve resorted to listening to music from my computer. Right now, that means we’re listening to Keving Federline’s “Popozao,� which even Chris Zachar just described as “so bad!�

5:57 am, Effingham, Il

There’s no other way to put it: things suck right now. We’ve been up for way too fucking long. It feels like I’ve been driving my entire adult life, there are still more than 5 hours to go, and we just had breakfast at a fucking McDonald’s. On the other hand, Cole is offering a reading of our celebrated quote book.

7:23 am, Somewhere Between Effingham and Champaign

We’ve just made what I’m told should be our last gas stop of the trip. I think this is overly optimistic. Also, I’m experiencing new, unpleasant realms of exhaustion.

Also, there was a green clover with the name “James Crowe III� in the hallway to the bathroom in that gas station.

8:41 am, Somewhere in Illinois

Apparently, I was asleep just now and I was singing along to “You’re so Vain� in my sleep. Also, Janis Joplin sucks. Hard. [edit: i'm aware that "You're So Vain" was sung by Carly Simon. However, Janis Joplin came on right around the same time, and i was reminded of my hatred for her.]

9:17 am, Somewhere in Illinois, About 100 Miles South of Rockford

Ryan and Chris are estimating less than 2 hours until Madison. Thank god. The gas station we just stopped at is in one of the saddest locations I’ve ever been to: it’s just flat and barren for miles. There’s a Pizza Hut here. In fact, it’s the same Pizza Hut that me and my Flagstaff friends stopped at on our way to Wisconsin a year and a half ago. I remember during that stop we were disgruntled and angry. During this stop, there’s no anger, just an unrelenting desire to get home and an almost unfettered exhaustion.

10:40 am, Wisconsin!

We’ve left Illinois behind and just crossed into Wisconsin. It’s only a few short miles now. It’s hard to believe that less than 24 hours ago, I was asleep in a hotel bed in Florida. The modern world is an amazing place.

11:00 am, Dane County Wisconsin

We’ve passed through tons of counties on this little trip and now, finally, we’re back in the best one: the County of Dane, home to Madison. How I long to see the Capital.

11:19 am, Madison, Wisconsin

We have finally arrived. Our total travel time was about 23.5 hours, including stops. Not too bad. At last, the dome of the Capital is in site. It looks like a giant milk-white breast (with a gold nipple ring). It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen (aside from real breasts). And I know I’m home. Now it’s time to drop everyone off and, finally, going to sleep.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)| Filed under Funny Shit , Hanging Out With My Friends , Spring Break , The Smashing Pumpkins

7:23 pm Today is our last full day in Florida. We woke up at about 1. I was only slightly hung over. After our final covertly prepared meal, we got ready to go down to South Beach. I wore pants, planning to change later. The reason for this is that I had to rinse my swim trunks and didn’t want to wear them for the half-hour drive while they were wet. Why did I have to rinse them, you ask? Well, you see, something very strange is happening. I don’t know what it is, but all of my swim trunks are taking on an almost unbelievably bad smell. They smell as if they’ve been inside a rotting cow (emu?) corpse. I have no idea what the fuck is going on. No one else’s clothes is smelling this bad, and I don’t think that I smell that bad... I guess it must be some fucked up combination of sea water and my unique body chemistry. That’s good to know: anything I’m wearing while in the ocean becomes permeated with a smell so bad, English doesn’t have a word to describe it.

We drove down A1A, and the concentration of hot girls increased dramatically, as did the ratio of super-luxury cars to normal person cars. We saw several BMW 6-series, as well as a Ferrari and a Rolls Royce. The lowlight, by far, was the BMW 6-series that someone had painted lime motherfucking green. That’s just wrong. I can’t believe a self-respecting auto paint specialist would desecrate a car like that. Oh well.

We parked and hiked down to the beach. Man, there were some gorgeous women, including a few topless ladies. They may have been violating public decency laws, I don’t know, but I don’t give a shit. In fact, I think they should require that hot girls be topless at the beach. The problem is I don’t think that the pervert lobby has very much pull.

Chris and Cole and I went into the water while Ryan laid in the sun. The water was perfect. Although there was a man-o-war indicator flag, I didn’t see any sign of the man eating monsters. We played some catch with a football for a while, and then I just sort of relaxed in the waves. It was really nice.

We got out of the water and laid out for a while. Then we decided to leave and come back to the beautiful Monaco (now with a fully-functional sign!) and rinse off and prepare for dinner/pre-drinking/going out. Now Chris and I are sitting here watching a basketball game while Cole and Ryan walk to the Publix (Florida’s grocery store chain) to get beer. We’re going to go to dinner soon, somewhere close in the interest of speed and convenience.

If all goes according to plan, dinner will kick ass and I will be drunk in a few hours.

4:11 am: St. Patrick’s Day, Billy Corgan’s birthday, and Zachar’s birthday: observed

We had many reasons to drink tonight and, for those reasons, we drank.

For dinner, we went to a sushi bar across the street. It was a good restaurant. Ryan had a curry dish, Chris had chicken teriyaki plus sushi and Cole had shrimp tempura plus sushi. I had a massive dish (literally about two feet long) of various rolls. Damn, it was good, but I was no where near being able to finish all of it. In the end, I was massively full, and incredibly satisfied. Still, I should have gone for the $22 tempura lobster tail.

I was so full after dinner that I was unable to drink more than three beers in our pre-game session. Zachar and Ryan each drank about five, I believe. Then they took shots of tequila which I, honestly, pussied out of. Then Zachar threw up.

Ryan and Zachar taking a shot of tequila which I was too much of a pussy (and too full) to take.

Our room at the beautiful Monaco Resort, nicely disheveled.

In any event, we drove South towards the big clubs, and wandered around for a while trying to find the best one. We eventually settled on a place called The Clevelander. We paid a $10 cover and walked on in. Ryan covered my cover, so I owed him a drink. He wanted a long island, I wanted a Grey Goose on the rocks. The total for the drinks: $21. Whatever. However, as soon as I got the drinks and turned around, this asshole knocked Ryan’s long island out of my hand and it fell to the ground. The fucking asshole then looked at me, made a vague, small gesture with his hand, and walked away. I walked up to him and said “You spilled my drink,� to which he responded “Yeah. That shit happens.� I persisted, but he refused to take any responsibility or – god forbid – offer to replace the drink. Whatever, fuck him.

However, the incident lead to two beautiful ladies talking to me.

The girls I talked to.

Always up for female attention, I talked to them in return. They were two cool girls from Minneapolis. We talked for a while and eventually Chris, Ryan and Cole disappeared. I felt bad for ditching my friends, so I took my leave of the girls, although I did get one of their phone numbers I found the guys and we hung out but, inevitably, I made my way back to the cute girls and hung out with them again. This pattern continued for most of the night and, truth be told, I felt bad for not hanging out more with my friends.

When I left the girls for the final time, I found the guys. We made a pact: ten years after graduation, if none of us are going anywhere, we will form Tapia, Zachar, Ruby and McNamara, LLP, in reality. I would love that, that would be awesome. We’ll see what happens.

Zachar and his trademark: a drink in one hand, a condiment in the other.

Cole and Ryan, kicking it old school.

Me and Zachar... why do i look like his bitch?

Zachar's other trademark: being drunk.

MZRM: some of us wear sunglasses at night so we can, so we can.

We left the bar and started driving home. I needed to go to the bathroom before we got to our hotel, so Cole (the only sober driver) pulled over at the KFC and I peed in the bushes. Zachar threw up in the bushes. Then he denied throwing up even once during the night which was, of course, a total lie.

Now we’re in the hotel room. I can hear Ryan snoring. Zachar is passed out.

This was our last full day in Miami, and it was one of the best. I hope everyone else had a good time, too.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)| Filed under Funny Shit , Hanging Out With My Friends , Spring Break

I love the fact that Zachar looks so disoriented in this picture.

Cole makes an excellent drive right down the fairway.

I make a horrible drive that ended up 12 feet in front of the tee.

After golf, we came back to the beautiful Monaco and drank a little. Then we went to a place called “Boomers,� where everyone kicked my ass at miniature golf. It was ok, though, because I came in second place at laser tag. This is regardless of the fact that my initial laser didn’t work and I had to switch out in the middle. Whatever, it was fun.

While at the mini golf place, we found an arcade game that involved a wireless remote ninja sword. God, it was the best game ever.

We came back to the Monaco again. We got drunk again. We went down to the beach. We talked about September 11th, about telling our grandchildren about it. About what will happen to America. About how, in order to have children, we will need to have sex again, and have children, and how those children will need to have sex. The following conversation also took place:
Me: We’ve been sitting on the beach for about two hours. The USA could have fallen in that time.
Cole: But the Monaco still stands! That will be our warcry: “Remember the Monaco!�

Before all of this happened, I proclaimed that I had discovered a satellite. “Look, in the sky, what the fuck is that?� I said. “What are you talking about,� everyone said. Then I said “To the left of the moon, the only one that’s moving.� Then Ryan responded: “Do you mean the one that isn’t moving?� To which I responded: “Oh, I guess I’m drunk.�

Then Zachar chased a cat with a football. Zachar tossed the football at the cat but, in an incidence of drunkenness, tossed the football into another resort area. It looked like he considered jumping the fence and going after the ball, but intead returned to MZRM. Then he said that we needed to make an excursion to retrieve the football, so Cole went with him. Cole discovered a gate, the exictence of which Zachar was completely oblivious to. Ryan and I were surpirised. Cole, through sobriety, saved the day. They returned, unarrested and cool.

We hung out down there for a few hours. A few minutes of which, we thought we were getting arrested. In the end, we came back to our room, the Russians tried to break in again, and we fell the fuck asleep. I hope, anyway. Tomorrow is our last full day here in Florida. Let’s hope that Zachar finally catches that snap he’s been waiting for.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)| Filed under Funny Shit , Hanging Out With My Friends , Music Reviews , Rants , Spring Break

On our way to the Crazy Buffet, we spotted yet another amazing super-expensive automobile.

Then, we headed to the casino. Cole, Ryan and I played poker while Zachar tried his luck with the horses. Cole, Ryan and I didn’t have the best of luck. For example, I got dealt the AQ of hearts, and ended up getting the nut flush on the river. I went crazy with it. At the showdown, I turned over my flush and my opponent turned over an off-suit king 3, which gave him a motherfucking full house. I was pissed.

In the end, Cole ended up winning $8. Chris lost $10 on the horses. Ryan lost about $30 at the poker table. I was the biggest loser, though: I lost $76. Oh man, I’m awesome.

After the casino, we came back to the hotel. We didn’t have any plans, and we wanted to get to sleep early, so we decided to make some drinks and go down to the beach for some more covert drinking. On our way down, we noticed that the stupid girls from last night were hanging out with the man-thong-wearing Russians again. Whatever. Stupidity all around.

We were down at the beach, hanging out. We started playing catch with the football and running around. I took a bunch of pictures of the moon and the buildings and, of course, our beautiful hotel. We also discussed what super powers we’d like to have, and I continued to insist that telekinesis would be the best, and that it would lead to flight.

Zachar being a less than spectacular football player.

Ryan and Cole in front of a much larger building than the beautiful Monaco Resort.

Zachar, looking contemplative (he's actually thinking about John Stocco).

A rather creepy long-exposure picture of Ryan in front of the beautiful Monaco Resort.

Cole thought this cloud looked like a whale wearing a hat. I thought that was picture-worthy.

I tried to take a picture of the moon, but the camera moved. Still, I thnk it's a cool picture.

Eventually, it got kinda cold and we came back up. Tomorrow, we’re going to do some putting. Either we’re going to play real golf or mini golf or (hopefully) both. We’ll see. We’ve also resolved to get drunk, preferably at a karaoke bar. In any event, it’s time to go to bed.

Zachar just said “So what do you think of Vitamin C?�

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)| Filed under Funny Shit , Hanging Out With My Friends , Spring Break

EDITED: This post now includes man-thongs, which i had neglected to enter in my original post. Apologies all around.

Where to begin... I guess chronologically will suffice.

We woke up early this morning. By “early,� I mean 9:30. That’s definitely way early by MZRM spring break standards. After (covertly) cooking an awesome breakfast of burgers and brats, we departed the lovely Monaco Resort. Destination: Cole’s grandparent’s house in Ft. Meyers. After driving for a while, we arrived.

Cole’s grandpa served as the state Republican assemblyman from Osh Kosh for 20 years. Note, that he’s a staunch Republican. We sat and talked with Cole’s grandparents for a while, and they’re awesome people. Hard-working, common sense-type folks. And “common sense� is not used in a derogatory fashion here. I liked Cole’s grandparents a lot. While I didn’t necessarily agree 100% with what they said all the time (Cole’s grandpa used the word “queer� several times) they had some very interesting things to say about government and stuff. In general, they were nice, honest people, and I can’t find anything to criticize about that.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)| Filed under Hanging Out With My Friends , Rants About Things That Make Me Irrationally Angry , Spring Break

5:17 pm

We woke up this morning at about 11. It was a good night’s sleep. Zachar apparently talked in his sleep last night. About greyhounds.

Our first mission was to get food. We went to the Denny’s across the street and liked it. Next, we went to Wal-Mart and bought a massive amount of food, as well as an electric George Foreman-type grill. This is the only way we can make our own food, it turns out, because grills are not allowed in the hotel or on the beach. We also got a bunch of hamburgers and brats. We also bought beer. Beer is also not allowed on the beach. Motherfuckers.

Then we went and hung out on the beach for a while. The temperature of the water is perfect. The only down side is that there are apparently man eating creatures in the water called “man-o-wars.� These 2-inch diameter creatures apparently sting, and their sting is as painful as bee stings. We have no choice but to battle against these monsters from the deep and enjoy our vacation.

Now we’re waiting to make dinner. We’re waiting for towels. Apparently, when they came and took our old towels, they didn’t bother to leave new towels. So, we called the front desk and asked for more towels. The problem, we were told, is that there’s only one fucking washing machine for the whole hotel, and the towels are currently in that machine. Well, at least that explains the stains on the blankets. In any event, we can’t start cooking because the hotel staff can’t know we’re cooking for ourselves. God, I hate the hotel staff. We’re watching The Chronicles of Riddick while we wait. It’s even worse the second time around.

Soon, we’ll have dinner and we’ll make a liquor run. We didn’t buy liquor earlier because this is one of those fucking states where all liquor must be sold in a liquor store. Just more of The Man trying to keep us down. But we will overcome.

4:38 am: Miami Beach and “Boy, is Our Country Fucked�

“If this is a representative sample of America’s whore’s, we’re fucked. Or sucked.� - Ryan

The liquor run has been accomplished. We started playing king’s cup, and Zachar took the brunt of it. Still, none of us were wickedly wasted before we left here to go to the bars. In any event, we played two rounds, it was fun. Then we went down to Miami Beach. It was sort of an interesting experience. Douchebags as far as the eye could see. A lot like home, except for the beautiful women, $5.50 Bud Lights and the ocean. But the douchebags never go; they just keep douchebaggin’ along. It’s nice to have something constant in your life.

We started out at some Irish bar that only had one kind Irish beer. That was strange. The girls were super hot, though. We then proceeded to a bar called “Wet Willie’s.� The bar’s gimmick was that all the drinks it offered were slushies. It offered no drinks that weren’t some sort of blended thing. I got a drink called a “Call-a-cab.� It was $10, and it was the strongest drink I’ve ever had. Still, I was unable to get wickedly plastered. Strange.

Zachar drinking a drink at Wet Willie's. The drink was, apparently, too strong for him, so he stopped drinking it. Pussy.

I know Cole looks disgruntled or... something. But, I swear he was having a good time.

Ryan made no complaints about the strengths of the drinks, leading me to believe that Zachar really is just a pussy.

I liked the drinks a lot. Here I am, drinking a Call-a-cab. And it was damned good.

One of the many Ferraris we saw in Miami. This one we saw from the balcony at Wet Willie's. You could feel the cool ocrean breeze and look at beautiful girls. It was one of my favorite spots in Miami.

One of the best things that’s ever happened to me happened at Wet Willie’s. I was in the bathroom. The bathroom is a little room with no door on the lock. When I was done, I opened the door and accidentally smashed a girl in the face with it. The door literally smacked this girl in her face. She was all flustered and shit. I noticed that there was another (attractive) girl to my right, waiting for the lady’s room. I was immediately filled with horror and remorse. Remorse because I hit a girl in the face with the door. Horror because I did it in front of a girl who now, undoubtedly, thought I was an asshole. The girl I hit with the door pretty much ran away – I continued to be shocked. I walked slowly towards the girl waiting for the bathroom. Then, she said to me: “You fucking smacked that bitch!!!� Immediately, I thought this girl was awesome. Then she laughed. Then, the coolest thing ever happened: she high fived me. She fucking high-fived me for hitting a girl in the face with the door. Man, that girl was awesome. Later, at the end of the night, we ran into each other again, just as I was telling my story to my cohorts and she was telling the story to hers. We corroborated for each other, and went our separate ways. I guess that’s just another hot girl I won’t ever see naked. Oh well, I’m used to the feeling.

Then, we decided to go back to the car. Ryan was in the lead, and got separated from us at a stoplight. When the rest of us crossed, Ryan was being propositioned by a short black woman (I use the phrase “woman� loosely. It might have been a man). Later, we would learn that the following exchange had taken place:
Ryan: I’m just waiting for my friends, I’m gonna go.
Whore: Are your friend’s gonna suck your cock tonight?
Ryan: I’m leaving.

The strange thing is that I tried to get this woman the fuck out of Ryan’s way. However, when I touched her shoulders to move her, she was incredulous and shouted that I wasn’t allowed to touch her. So, apparently, she was willing to proposition Ryan but I was not allowed to so much as touch her. Whatever. Whore.

Eventually, we decided to come home. On I-95, we started “road flirting� with another Xterra. It had two attractive ladies in it and it was a newer model. We passed them, then they passed us, then we passed them. I rolled down my window and gave them a look, the girls laughed and made clear flirting gestures. Ufortunately, our exit came before theirs. Oh well. If you’re out there, 2002+ Xterra, give us a call... we’re staying at the Monaco.

Upon our return to the lovely Monaco (and by lovely, I mean absolutely shitty – we had to park in front of a dumpster) we took a few beers with us (fuck the law) down to the beach and started talking about American presidents.

Earlier, at Wet Willie’s, we noticed a satellite in orbit. That got me thinking: how is it that humanity can make something and then put it in geosynchronous Earth orbit, but we can’t feed the 6.5 billion people we’ve got down here? I guess the answer is that there are many different things to take into consideration in those two goals. Still, I wonder: Josiah Bartlett is a great president, but he’s not real. Could someone like that ever get elected? And if a great president couldn’t get elected, what the fuck does that say about America? As I’ve noted before, my love for this country was almost unlimited before Bush. Now, however, I have doubts. Does that matter? In the grand scheme of things, does any human emotion matter... let alone mine?

We sat on the beach and drank beers and contemplated and talked. A good time was had by all, I think. And, so, day three came to an end.

Tomorrow, more covert cooking, shuffleboard, and Bloody Marries in the morning.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)| Filed under Funny Shit , Hanging Out With My Friends , Political Rants , Spring Break

Zachar and the ass coffee.

Eventually, night turned to day. A deep sorrow fell over the firm. We had been driving for over 12 hours, and we were only half-way to Miami. We finally penetrated Florida, and there was much rejoicing. A disheveled and clearly disoriented Zachar pointed at cows and asked “what the fuck are those?� “Cows,� we replied. He insisted they were emus. Then he insisted that some birds are mammals. As proof, he offered flying squirrels.

We were unbelievably excited to finally be in Florida. We stopped outside of Jacksonville at a Waffle House. The Waffle House was an interesting experience. There was a fucking bug in the condiment basket. I freaked out a little. Ok, a lot. Ryan calmly got rid of the bug. Then we ate, and it was good.

We drove South. And we drove. And we drove. We felt like we were so close, yet the miles would not relent. I swear, Florida feels like a different country to me. It feels like we’re in Mexico. Everything seems cheap and run down. In any event, there is absolutely nothing on the eastern coast of Florida between Jacksonville and Palm Beach. Nothing.

Except Daytona Beach, where a bunch of fucking redneck assholes on motorcycles decided that they were going to clog I-95. Through some brilliant maneuvers, Cole and Ryan found a way around the motorcycle menace, and we proceeded unabated. But not before we saw some really ugly biker chicks. I’m talking so-ugly-you-can’t-stop-staring ugly.

Cole, Ryan and the seXterra at some godforsaken rest stop somwhere south of Daytona Beach after outsmarting a cadre of idiotic (and ugly) bikers.

At long last, Palm Beach was within our grasp. We called Laurence to ask for directions. Laurence was worthless. He handed the phone to Cristina’s dad. The first words he said to me: “What is your position?� I mumbled about being on I-95 near some palm trees or something. Cristina’s dad gave me very vague directions and told me to call back when I was at a certain spot. When we reached that spot, we called, and Cristina’s dad asked: “Now what is your position?�

Somehow or another, we got to Cristina’s house. It is the most amazing, most expansive, biggest and most extravagant home I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen Hearst Castle. The head of security tried to escort us off the grounds (for being too poor) but we were able to convince him that Cristina had taken mercy on us and befriended us. However, the dogs still growled their disapproval. And I don’t think the robotic Richard Simmons liked us much, either.

The ice sculptures from lunch were melting by the time we arrived, however, the valet was very personable. A nice young Asian man escorted us to the 12 bedroom guest mansion. We did not tip the Chinaman. We only saw the West wing of Cristina’s mansion, as the East wing was undergoing extensive renovations.

Unfortunately, I left my camera in the seXterra, and was too lazy to walk the 4 miles from the guest mansion to the valet parking garage, so none of Cristina’s house is documented. Sorry.

We met up with Yvette and we went to the beach.

Zachar on the beach.

Cristina and Laurence.

Yvette.

Then we went back to Cristina’s estate, and hung out in one of her seven pools. Cristina’s family needed the guest mansion (the Bush family was visiting) so we took our leave.

Yvette and I at West Palm Beach's fake downtown, in search of food.

MZRM

We went and had the greatest meal ever, literally. Filet mignon, sushi, shrimp, crab legs, chocolate fountain: all in all you can eat quantities. All excellently prepared.

These were the first two plates of my all-you-can eat sushi and filet mignon dinner.

There she is: the chocolate fountain!

We finally left Palm Beach and arrived in Miami. We checked into our hotel. It is an unmitigated, unbelievable shit hole.

The beautiful Monaco Resort, as seen from the Denny's across the street.

See the large, imposing, beautiful skyscraper full of $1 million+ condos? Now, look down. No, further down. See that turd-shaped building at the bottom? That's the Monaco Resort!

The Monaco by night. Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?

Upon our arrival, the bell hop produced a labeled map of Miami. He indicated several Xs, and told us not to go there because that’s where the black people are. I am not making this shit up.

In addition, we were just informed that we could not get more pillows until the morning. And, even then, it would cost us money. I just called the front desk again, without telling them what room I was calling from. Zachar had called earlier, so they didn’t know my voice. I asked if they had any pillows. I was told that housekeeping closes at 6pm. What the fuck is that? I incredulously asked what he meant, and he screamed that housekeeping is closed. This is going to be interesting.

Oh well, at least we’re finally here.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)| Filed under Funny Shit , Hanging Out With My Friends , Spring Break

I had never been through southern Illinois, really. Maybe the time I went to Cuba, Il. I don’t really remember. In any event, we went through Southern Illinois today and let me tell you: it fucking sucks. First, a review of the events to this point:

The pick ups were all smoothly executed. After a triumphant farewell meal at Burger King (after which a suitcase attacked Zachar) we departed. We drove through Rockford and then around Chicago. Eventually, we found ourselves driving through southern Illinois. We made the following observations:

1. There is a city called “Dix, IL�
2. There is a city called “Ina, IL.� We contorted this so that it became vagIna. Very clever by us.
3. There are a lot of skunks in southern Illinois. We arrived at this conclusion after we smelled no fewer than 4,877 dead skunks in the span of 4 hours.
4. In southern Illinois, there are 7 antique shops per person. There was actually a billboard that read: “5 Antique Malls at Exit xxx.� Five fucking antique malls in one strip mall?! There’s no reason for that to happen!!

Next, we fucking stopped in Metropolis! The home of fucking SUPERMAN. I have a picture to prove it: