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Corporate America Can Suck My Ass!

July 27, 2006 9:42 PM

h man. I fucking love seeing those I hate fail. And there's literally nothing I hate more than UPS. Fucking nothing. So, when I heard that their stock price tumbled, I was gleeful. My glee was mitigated somewhat by the fact that they still eared a shitload of money, but, you know, whatever.

So, why do I hate UPS so much? I'll fucking tell you.

It all started when I placed an order on Amazon.com. The fastest delivery option was UPS. Being impatient as I am, I decided to have my order shipped via UPS. A few days later, I come home from school and see that the UPS guy has come and, instead of leaving my package on my doorstep like I requested, has left one of those little notes. Well, that's fine, I thought: I'd rather have to go to the UPS place than risk having my package stolen, anyway. So I get in my car and drive way the fuck out to the UPS place, which is literally about a 20 minute drive from my place in traffic. It's a fucking pain in the ass.

Anyway, I get there and showed the douchebag behind the counter my slip of paper. Now, this guy is all nervous and shifty, almost exactly like the UPS guy from MadTV, only white. So, anyway, I show him the slip and ask for my package. He says that they're closed. "Funny," I think, "the door opened for me, and I swear it's 7 right now and the door says you're open until 8." I tell him they're clearly open. He says that they're only open to make pre-arranged pickups. He asks me if I called ahead. I said something like "No, I have this slip of paper. It has the tracking number. Can you please give me my package?" The guy says something like "Well, if I can find the package just by looking, yes. But I can't do any 'research' on where it is, I can't touch the computers." I was like "what the fuck are you fucking talking about you worthless piece of shit?" That's what I thought, anyway. My face must hav showed some sort of disgusted look, because the guy got all pissy. Anyway, long story short, I got my package, but only after this guy talked about what a hassle it was for him to go back there and find the goddamned thing. I signed and left.

Flash forward a few weeks. I've ordered something from Amazon again. I come home and find one of those goddamned slips on my door. Ok. I take a piece of paper and write on it "Mr. UPS Man, Please leave my package on the doorstep." And I sign the piece of paper. The UPS slips are kind of like big post-it notes. So, when I leave the next morning, I put the first slip back on my door, but also put the note I wrote underneath the slip so the UPS guy could not possibly miss it.

I come back that day and guess what? The UPS guy has stuck a second slip on top of my note! This isn't just blindly following procedure, this is being a downright asshole! So I drive to the fucking UPS place again. I get there, and it's the same guy as before. He asks me if I've called ahead. I say "No, get me my package." The guy makes some huge fuss and the reaches behind him and pulls my package off of a shelf. He asks me to sign. At this point, I'm so fucking angry. So, instead of signing my name, I sign "Fuck you" and leave. God, I hate that guy.

Maybe I was out of line. In fact I definitely was. But, man, the guy was a douche.

Anyway, this happens a few more times. Finally, one time, after the UPS guy tried to deliver my package on Tuesday at 2pm, failed, tried to deliver it on Wednesday at 2pm, failed, and then tried to deliver it on Thursday at 2pm and - surprise - failed, I decided to just have UPS return the thing to Amazon and go buy the thing myself at a local shop. That went off flawlessly. I got my item (a comic book, if you must know) and my money back from Amazon, and I hadn't had to deal with the UPS guy.

Flash foward again. Same thing's going on with the UPS guy, so I again decide to just go buy it myself and not deal with the hassle. I come home one day, pretty late, and I'm wearing a suit. A full-out suit. Anyway. I'm lounging around my apartment when there's a knock on my door. I look through the peephole. It's the UPS guy. He's got a package. I know what's in the package. It's a duplicate of something I now already own. If I take the package, I'll just have to deal with UPS again in order to have the thing returned. More likely, though, I'll forget about it, be lazy, and find myself with two of the same comic books for no good reason. So I turned off my lights and pretended I wasn't home. This was a stupid strategy because the UPS guy would clearly have seen that my lights were on as he approached my apartment.

So he knows I'm home, but I refuse to answer. I watch through the peephole as he gets more and more angry and frustrated. He's out there for, literally, ten minutes, pounding on my door. I don't budge. Finally, he leaves. I watch through my sliding glass door (while hiding in the shadows of my apartment) and see him walk down the path to my door and climb into his truck. And wait. He sits there for a few seconds, he looks through the sliding glass door. I know he saw me. But I don't budge. Finally, he moves to get into the driver's seat, and I think the ordeal is over.

But then my land lady walks up, and I see them start talking. I see him hand her the package, and I see her sign for it. I see my landlord walk up my path. She knocks on my door. I have no option. I have to open it. I turn on the lights (the UPS guy is still out front) and open the door, wearing a full suit with perfectly (for me) combed hair. She hands me the package and says the UPS guy said he was out there knocking for ten minutes. "Oh, really?" I say, "I was . . . asleep . . . so that's probably why I didn't answer the door. . . ."

So, basically, UPS is responsible for putting me in one of the stupidest, most Seinfeld-ian positions of my life. And that's why I hate them.

On another note:
Exxon reported the second highest quarterly profit of any business in the history of civilization today. The all-time record is held by . . . Exxon! It reported the all-time highest profit last quarter.

Let me see if I understand this. I was under the impression that I was paying $3.25 a gallon at the pump because the price of crude oil was at record highs, meaning that the oil companies had to increase the price of the product to compensate for the increased cost of raw materials. But what's really going on is that, not only are they compensating for the increased cost of materials, they're fucking me up the ass, too? On purpose? And then shoving their record profits in my face? It's time for a motherfucking oil boycott. I'm fucking serious!



5 Comments


Lauren said:

You must have gotten the worst UPS guys in history...our UPS guy at work buys us pizza and doughnuts. Of course, he could be the exception that proves the rule. Or maybe UPS guys get one good drop off a day and the rest of the time they have to be dicks. Anyway, what comic book were you getting?

July 28, 2006 1:17 AM



sadielady said:

that is hilarious.

July 28, 2006 1:52 AM



morenonsense said:

You staging a boycott against the oil companies is so bound to fail, its not funny. You. Not driving. MY ASS. I think that if you had the option, you'd drive your car to do your laundry....which is downstairs.

July 28, 2006 7:07 AM



RPM said:

The UPS story is a classic.

Yeah the Bush companies realized that we'd put up with more monetary sacrifice. Oops, I meant to say "oil companies" above.

Morenonsense, cleary Mr. Tapia means to purchase an alternative fuel-powered seXterra that has offroad and overstairs capabilities. He can then finally realize his driving to basement laundry dreams.

July 28, 2006 8:23 AM



Moral Turpitude (By the Seat of My Skirt) said:

I hate UPS but I love my UPS man. When he gets a package addressed to me at home he brings it to my office instead because he knows I won't be home during the work day. He's awesome.

July 30, 2006 1:28 PM



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