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Noah's Ark

July 30, 2006 12:52 PM

o, yesterday was the second annual trip to Noah's Ark, America's largest water park. It turns out that I continued another tradition: getting massively drunk the night before the trip and then not getting enough sleep.

Last year, my friend Laurie was in town, so me, Ryan and Laurie went out to Paul's Club. I got a little bit wasted and somehow managed to get only two hours of sleep before it was time to leave for Noah's Ark. At the park, I was horribly hung over and incredibly tired. But I still had a good time.

This year, Zachar and Ryan came into town after being gone all summer, so we all congregated in Cristina and Laurence's apartment, and I got incredibly drunk. I got so drunk that I really have no idea how I got home or anything that happened for the last hour or so that I was over there. Man, Laurence is one hell of an enabler.

Anyway, I woke up at some point in the morning, feeling like absolute shit. I knew I had thrown up the night before, but apparently not enough, because I still felt queasy and just plain bad. Kristin and Cole came and picked me up, and I was feeling just horrible. So bad, in fact, that I had to open the car door and throw up at a stop light. And then I had to ask Cole to pull over so I could throw up a few feet later. This is a completely new phenomenon: I had never had to throw up the morning after drinking before. I must have been drunker than I've ever been before, which would mean I was pretty fucking drunk.

Anyway, we all met up at one of the Milio's downtown. I threw up a little bit more, we got some food, and we were on our way. I was in a car with Cole and Kristin, with Cole driving. I was in the backseat, trying my best not to die. I got down to the serious work of trying to catch up on sleep. I was just in the middle of some sort of hangover induced day dream when there was a lot of commotion, cursing, and horn honking. I came to just in time to see that we were almost completely on the shoulder of the road. I looked to our immediate left and saw a semi-truck in the changing lanes into our lane, as if we weren't there. It was literally running us off the road. Apparently, what had happened was that the semi had been following us pretty closely for ten minutes when it decided to pass us. So, there was no way that the driver didn't know we were in that lane. Anyway, as the cab of the truck pulled past Cole's car, the truck started changing lanes. Cole had to slam on the brakes and pull all the way over onto the shoulder in an attempt to avoid being sideswipped by the multi-ton monstrosity. Fucking shit, man.

We all survived our respective drives to the Dells and got to Noah's Ark in one piece. We got our wristbands, and the waterpark fun was on its way. The incident with the truck had a positive effect on me: after that happened, I started feeling a lot better. By the time we got to the park, I was feeling pretty fucking good, in fact.

We immediately rode some of the less-spectacular water slides, opting to get ourselves wet before waiting in massive lines. Our plan all along was to kill some time during the middle portion of the day so that, as the closing of the park drew nearer and the crowds grew thinner, we'd be able to ride the more popular rides without having to wait 3 hours. So we rode some of the older, less-popular rides. We went on the Flash Flood, which actually ended up being one of my favorite rides. That's the one where you're on this sled-type thing that gets hauled this track and then goes down a steep incline, making a huge splash, soaking the people on the overlooking bridge. it was awesome to see the wall of water from the sled.

Anyway, then we had some fun at one of the best places in Noah's Ark - the Adventure River. Oh, yeah. It might just be an endless lazy river, but it's awesome. It's one of the most relaxing things. More importantly, they had these new four-seater tubes this year. I eventually got one all to myself and nearly fell asleep, I was so relaxed.

We decided to leave the lazy river after about an hour and half of being lazy, and went over to some of the nearby slides. Those were pretty fun, although my hangover and nausea were making a bit of a comeback. Still, I pressed on.

We made our way to the other end of the park, to where the Point of no Return is. That's the one where it's just you and an 85 degree incline. First, though, we decided to do the Kowabunga, which is a raft slide with some pretty steep inclines. That's when things got ugly.

As we were waiting in line, a bunch of kids came up behind us. They were all being loud and obnoxious. This is what I thought, so imagine how bad they must have been. Anyway, eventually, some of them cut in front of us and a bunch of other people in line! This is a fucking travesty! Our entire society is based on the line! What was most shocking to me was that no one said anything. They just sort of let it happen. They, like me, were so shocked by the blatant disregard for other people that they couldn't speak. Eventually, I said something to the little punks, the apparent leader of which responded with some sort of garbled slang speach so indecipherable that I have no idea what he said. He definitely cursed at me. This fucking little prick had the gravitas to not only cut in line ahead of a bunch of people, but to then proceed to get angry at someone for having the audacity to disrespect him by calling him on his shit.

After I spoke up, some other people did, too. Mostly a woman with her little kid. The line-cutter responded by screaming at her, threatening her, and cursing at her, right in front of that child and about four other small children. it was one of the most disrespectful, out of line things I've ever seen. This guy refused to listen to reason, or anything else for that matter, and simply insisted that it was his right to cut in line.

The line worked its way to the raft station and no one said anything to these kids, but I swore to myself: there was no way these guys were going to ride. Maybe it's not the most macho thing to do, but I swore I'd rat them out at the top. When they got to the top, I waited for the woman with the child to say something, since she was much more pissed than I was. She seemed to hesitate, so I went ahead and screamed at the lifeguard guys. I was mocked by the fucking kids. But eventually the woman and I got their attention, told them what happened, and the lifeguards told the kids, who were already in the raft, that they had to get off and would not be allowed to ride.

The leader argued, cursed, and insisted that he hadn't cut. The little fucker thought he was so far above authority. It was awesome for him to come to the realization that there was nothing he could do. That he was beaten. He got out of the raft, clearly pissed. He looked right at me and said he'd kick my ass at the bottom of the stairs. Then it happened. Something so shocking that I couldn't even get angry about it for several seconds.

As he was walking towards me, he looked me right in the eyes. And he did something. I didn't even realized it had happened. Then someone said "he spit on him!" Yeah, he had fucking spit on me. It didn't even register in my mind for several seconds. Laurence looked ready to kick his ass, he might have been more angry than me. But the kid ran down the stairs before anyone could stop him. The other kids were also kicked off the ride.

I refused to let being spat on ruin the day, and we got on the ride and went down as if nothing had happened. And it was a good ride. At the bottom, we saw the kid and his friends being surrounded by security guards. I thought about going over and telling them what had happened, but I didn't feel like dwelling on the situation any longer. There was no way they'd be allowed to stay in the park, I thought. I overheard the kid talking to the security guards. He had clearly had years of practice in sweet talking stupid authority figures. He played the respectful victim, done wrong by those accusing him of misbehaving. It was dispicable.

In the end, I guess he wasn't kicked out. But it didn't matter, we didn't see him again and our day still kicked ass.

We did some more rides. I steadfastly refused to ride the Point of no Return. Then we decided it was time to wait for the two biggest and newest rides. The Time Warp and the Black Anaconda.

The wait for Time Warp, new this year, was about 40 minutes. It's a "bowl ride." You go down this steep incline and then into a large, enclosed bowl, where you swirl around for a while and then go down into the end pool. I liked it a lot, but that may not have been the consensus.

Then we got in line for the Black Anaconda, last year's new ride. It's the world's longest water coaster, and universally considered the best ride at the park. And it was awesome, yet again.

Then, sadly, it was time to leave Noah's Ark. That's not necessarily a bad thing, though: everyone was incredibly tired.

We drove back to Madison and finished out the night with the continuation of another tradition: KFC. We each got shit loads of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and potato wedges. And then went home. We were simply too tired to continue.

I got home at around 11, and slept until about 1. It was awesome. Now it's time to face a Sunday afternoon that promises to be both awesome and busy. But I'm up for it.