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2006 MTV Video Music Awards (Updated!)

September 3, 2006 10:50 AM

or some reason, I woke up yesterday and I was convinced that I was going to have a shitty day. I felt all lonely and shit. But then the universe sort of knocked me around until I realized that I have a large number of extremely high-quality friends. So I'm feeling pretty good today. What that means for you is that you get to read me ranting about something rather than wallowing in self-pity.

It has come to my attention that the MTV Video Music Awards were held recently. Now, as far as I'm concerned, the single best VMA performance ever was in 1996, when the Smashing Pumpkins kicked off the VMAs with a rendition of "Tonight, Tonight" which featured a full motherfucking string section. That was a fucking awesome performance. I can also boast that I saw them on that tour. The only down side is that the drummer was not Jimmy Chaimberlain, but some other guy, since that was when Jimmy was still out of the band following the death of keyboardist Jonathon Melvoin from a drug overdose. In any event, here's that performance, via youtube:

Seeing as how that performance is fucking awesome, I give it a ten, and it will be the exemplar against which I judge the performances at this year's VMAs.

Now, I didn't actually watch the show, I've just found clips on youtube. But I've read about the VMAs, and I think I have most of the performaces. If I missed one, let me know.

First up, Justine Timberlake with a "My Love/SexyBack" medley.

And it sucks my ass. I hate lip synching with a passion, and it looks like JT starts off by not lip synching, with the result that he's way off key. Then, he goes into lip synching. Or, I assume he does since he's doing all sorts of complicated dance moves and not even panting into the mic.

My rating: 4

Next up, Beyonce with "Ring the Alarm"

This one's better than JT, I thik, but not by much. Although Beyonce gets some points for actually singing parts of the song. However, the song sucks. And she gets major deductions for the stupid, boring, pointless dance breakdown. Although she gains some points back for the bondage-esque outfit she wears at the very end, her bonus is limited by the fact that I've never found Ms. Knowels to be that attractive.

My score: 5

Next up is Shakira, "Hips Don't Lie."

First off, I want to say that I'm a Shakira fan, but only when she's singing in Spanish. I don't know what the fuck is going on with this English nonsense. In any event, this performance suffers from a few things. First off, Shakira's words are entirely unintelligible, except for the phrase "hips don't lie." This means that it sounds like she just saying "na na na na hips don't lie nana" over and over again, which is bad. I also don't understand the point of the Indian dancers or how they relate to the song. Wyclef shows up, and that's good, but it's not great. Shakira shakes her ass, but not enough. The song also blows, and it's an embarrasement to Shakira.

My score: 6

Next, Christina Aguilera, "Hurt."

Automatic deductions for naming your song after a much better song that has already been covered by a much better artist. Simply put, there are too many songs named "Hurt," and this is one of the worst. It's trite and predictable. It brings nothing new to the table. Worst of all, it's boring. Sadly, the same is true of the performance, which is too bad because Ms. Aguilera is actually singing - and singing well. It's nice to see that she's stopped being dirrrrrrrrrrrrty Xtina, but it's too bad that this is what we get in exchange. The performance is uninspired. The strings are cool, but they're just sappy and lame.

My score: 3

Next up, All-American Rejects, "Move Along."

Lest you think that I'm simply slanting these ratings in favor of rock acts, let me say that I was not impressed by this performance. First off, the song's catchy enough, but very short and sort of lame. Moreover, the members of the band annoy me, especially the lead singer. And here's the major problem. The lead singer starts off playing bass. Then he stops playing bass, and shows up on the piano, but there's very clearly still a bass playing in the song. Then the lead singer stops playing any instrument and just starts singing, but, again, there is clearly a bass playing along. So that begs the question: did the lead singer hand over his bass to someone else, who then started playing it when the lead singer stopped? Was there a second bass player waiting in the wings? And that leads to the most disturbing question: was the lead singer playing the bass at the start of the song? Lip synching is bad, but standing up there pretending to play an instrument, getting all that "I know how to play an instrument" cred when, in fact, you don't know what the fuck you're doing, is just downright evil. Because the All-American Rejects opened themselves up to that kind of suspicion, they automatically get disqualified.

My rating: 0

Finally, The Killers with their new song, "When You Were Young."

It pains me to say that this was probably the best performance of the night. It pains me because this performance still sucks ass. Again, the members of the band annoy me. The song's decent, but not great. The performance seems perfunctory, although it still has enough credibility to be an alright rock performance. And, is it just me, or does the lead singer look a little like Freddie Mercury, especially towards the end when he's playing the piano standing up?

My rating: 6.5

Update:
In the comments, Santi pointed out that I missed Panic! at the Disco's "I Write Sins Not Tragedies," which won Video of the Year:

I've watched this one a couple of times now because I want to be fair to it. First off, I gotta give the guy props for wearing a top hat. However, the song leaves me mostly cold. The dancers are cool, especially at the end. However, that doesn't address the fact that a rock band shouldn't have dancers - that should be left to the R&B and hip hop acts, in my opinion. Still, I'll cut them some slack on that point. The main issue with the performance is that it lacks energy - it just doesn't make you want to get on your feet. However, it's got a nice hook and the singer is competent. Ultimately, I think this was one of the better VMA performances, although still not that great.

My rating: 6

So the message is pretty clear: MTV needs to get its shit together. And since MTV only gives the kids what the kids want, the kids need to get their shit together. So here's your mission. Go listen to good music. Then teach your kids to listen to good music. If everything goes according to plan, in about 20 years, we'll have awesome music on the charts again.



10 Comments


Vice said:

I don't know why you'd expect much from an awards show that gives "My Humps" an award for anything whatsoever, other than possibly destroying any respect I may have had for the Black Eyed Peas. However, at least they're not hating -- they had the good sense to give "Ridin" the best rap video award.

September 3, 2006 6:02 PM



Santi said:

Flipping past MTV on my way to watching Law and Order: SVU, I happened to come across a rerun of the awards, and a performace by Panic! at the Disco, a performance you missed. Apparently, their video, which I haven't seen, won Best Video of the Year.

September 4, 2006 2:03 PM



Lauren said:

If there's one thing I hate, its dirty dirty lipsynching at a live performance. That is the cardinal sin of any performance. Anyone can sing/play when they're in an acoustically perfect room, when they have an infinite number of chances to fuck up,when they have ten engineers working on making them sound perfect. It takes real talent to get up there and do something really well while 50,000 people are screaming. Which is why Justin, Beyonce and Shakira all get absolutely no respect from me. Sure, they can dance, but who the fuck cares! They're musicians, for christ's sake, shitty musicians who try to cover up the fact with fancy dance numbers and sexy costumes. And correct me if I'm wrong, but All-American Rejects sounded like they were lip-synching too. Ugh. Yeah, Christina's song was boring and uninspired, but at least it was actually sung live. The Killers and Panic! at the Disco (is anyone else inordinately annoyed by that stupid exclamation point?) were a little lifeless and a little too showy, but at least they were actually singing. And one more thing: lead singers without an instrument to play are usually one of the most obnoxious entities ever to grace a stage (except for maybe Celine Dion). Give the guys a goddamn tambourine or something because that inane mic-humping is just ridiculous. I'm glad I decided not to watch the VMAs once again.

September 5, 2006 10:30 AM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Lauren, in a rare and controversial move, I'm going to completely agree with you.

As far as lip-synching, what the fuck am I paying for when I go to a "live" performance? I can tell you right now, that it's not to see the act dance. Fuck that, that's fucking stupid. If you can't perform LIVE, then don't tour. It's that simple.

The All-American Rejects may have been lip-synching. Who the fuck cares? That band and its ilk suck ass. I once met this girl who said she liked punk music. I said that was awesome, and asked her what some of her favorite bands were, expecting her to name bands I've never heard of, since I'm not very familiar with punk. She instead replied "Fall Out Boy." I lost interest rather quickly.

I fucking hate the exclamation point. A lot. It's so annoying. Who would say panic in a very loud, excited way, but then be much more subdued on "at the disco." That's fucking bullshit.

And I'm glad you said the thing about lead singers without instruments to play. They're obnoxious. Even good ones (like Bono used to be) are obnoxious. One minor exception I can think of off the top of my head is Eddie Vedder, but he plays guitar sometimes, so he's not completely worthless. Liam Gallagher, or whichever one of them sings, on the other hand - worthless.

September 5, 2006 11:22 AM



Dee said:

apparently, neither Ismael nor lauren have ever heard of a little group called Led Zeppelin.
robert plant never needed anything in his hands but a mic and some drugs. ramble on, bitches!

September 5, 2006 9:32 PM



Ismael Tapia II said:

So, as you may recall, Dee, I was not a big fan of Led Zeppelin. This guy I know here in Madison is a huge fan, though. So I downloaded all of their albums. I am not impressed. While LZ have some songs that are, frankly, awesome, they also have some songs that suck. Suck hard. "Whole Lotta Love" comes immediately to mind.

In any event, there are exceptions to the "lead singers that don't play instruments are douchebags" rule. Also, just because the singer's a douchebag doesn't mean the bad sucks.

In Led Zeppelin's case, however, it is true that both the singer is a douchebag and the band sucks.

September 6, 2006 12:07 AM



Lauren said:

I can't really comment on Robert Plant since my experience with Led Zepplin is limited to "Stairway to Heaven" and whatever Gen played while we were living together. In any case, my comment about lead singers being obnoxious was refering specifically to live performances, that being the only time I'm reminded that the uninstrumented singer has nothing to do with his/her hands. Since I haven't seen any live performances of LZ, I can't really comment about Robert Plant. The one exception I can think of is Thom Yorke, and he's only sort of an exception, since he's quite frequently playing either the guitar or the piano. When he's just singing, he's niether obnoxious nor a douchebag, but instead rocking the fucking house down.

September 6, 2006 12:29 PM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Sweet! Here's the part where I disagree with Lauren . . . sort of. Thom Yorke can sometimes be really obnoxious during live performances. I'm thinking specifically of his obnoxious, siezure-like flailing during "Idioteque."

September 6, 2006 5:20 PM



Lauren said:

It had to come sometime...ok, so even Thom Yorke has his obnoxious moments. My principle still stands. Lead singers, please for the love of god and all that is holy in this world, learn to play a fucking instrument!

Sorry about all the repeat posts. The server kept telling me my comment wouldn't post, so I kept trying. Apparently all attempts were successful. Whoops

September 6, 2006 7:12 PM



Ismael Tapia II said:

So, I was trolling around on youtube again, and I found this.
It's video of Panic! at the Disco doing a cover of Tonight, Tonight. Strange VMA synergy. Check it out.

September 6, 2006 10:35 PM



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