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I Just Want to Talk to a Person!

October 13, 2006 3:10 AM

o, I got home just now and checked my mail. I had a thing from Charter, my cable company. In fact, I should say "the cable company." It's not like I had a choice.

Anyway, I opened up the letter and found a letter saying that my payment for the month hadn't worked because my card was declined or something. Furthermore, my automatic payment that I had set up was now "suspended." I thought to myself: "Now, how the fuck could that happen? I know I've got more than enough money in my account to cover the cable bill. This is strange. In fact, it's like the other night when my card was declined at the parking garage even though I had way more than enough to cover that." Still, I checked my balance. Sure enough, there was enough, the balance was where I thought it was, making the letter make no sense at all.

So, I called up Charter in order to figure out what was going on. Yes, I know, it's 3am, but I figured maybe they'd have some late night people or something. Here, now, is a transcript of my "conversations" with the Charter phone system. I'm really trying to be as accurate as possible, and I'm trying to keep exaggeration to a minimum.

Charter phone system (male voice): Hello! Would you like to save $150 a year? It's possible with Charter! Ask your representative if Charter phone service is available in your area.
[long pause]
In order to ensure that you have a positive experience, your conversation may be recorded for training purposes.
[long pause]
If you'd like to your bill by phone, check your balance . . .
Me: [pushes 1]
Charter phone system (male voice): . . . or for other automated services, press 1.
Me: Fuck.
Charter phone system (male voice): To pay your bill by phone, press 1.
Me: [presses "0"]
Charter phone system (female voice): Your selection is not valid. Please try again.
Me: [presses "#," hoping it's "back"]
Charter phone system (female voice): To pay your bill, press 1. To talk to customer service about a technical issue, press 2. For [something else], press 3. For all other issues, press 4.
Me: [presses "4"]
Charter phone system (female voice): It may take a few minutes to transfer your call.
[long pause]
Charter phone system (female voice): Your expected wait time is . . .
Charter phone system (different female voice): . . . fifteen minutes.
Me: What the fuck? How many fucking people are calling Charter at 3am? Fuck this shit. There's gotta be another way. [hangs up] [calls again]
Charter phone system (male voice): Hello! Would you like to save $150 a year? It's possible with Charter! Ask your representative if Charter phone service is available in your area.
[long pause]
In order to ensure that you have a positive experience, your conversation may be recorded for training purposes.
[long pause]
If you'd like to your bill by phone, check your balance or for other automated services, press 1. For technical assistance, press 2. To transfer or add to your service, press 3. To speak to someone about billing issues, press 4.
Me: [presses "4"]
Charter phone system (female voice): Your selection is not valid. Please try again.
Me: Fuck! [presses "4"]
Charter phone system (female voice): Your selection is not valid. Please try again.
Me: Goddamnit! [hangs up] [calls agai]
Charter phone system (male voice): Hello! Would you like to save $150 a year? It's possible with Charter! Ask your representative if Charter phone service is available in your area.
[long pause]
Me: I hate you.
In order to ensure that you have a positive experience, your conversation may be recorded for training purposes.
[long pause]
Me: I fucking hate you.
If you'd like to your bill by phone, check your balance or for other automated services, press 1. For technical assistance, press 2. To transfer or add to your service, press 3. To speak to someone about billing issues, press 4.
Me: [presses "4"]
Charter phone system (female voice): Our offices are open from 6am to midnight, Monday through Friday. Please call again during that time to speak to a representative.
Me: [explodes with rage]

I was calling at 3am! There was, at the time, no where in North America where it was earlier than midnight! How the hell could you tell me that i was going to talk to someone in fifteen minutes when, in fact, you were closed? Why didn't the "press "0" to get around the automated bullshit" trick work? Why were there two different voices?

Charter, I hate you and everything about you.

4 Comments

Dee said:

Ismael, that sucks, but--get your head out of your ass! there is only one phone queue you need to deal with right now, and that is the one for the institution that this decline-o-card of yours is from. decline me once, shame on you. decline me twice, shame on me.

charter is not going to tell you why your card is getting declined. i promise. no matter how long you wait.

October 13, 2006 9:46 AM

maggie said:

haha oh damn. Do you know how much time I've spent on the phone with charter? way way more than i wanted to, thats for sure. They told me my cable wasn't working because it was too hot outside. I call bullshit.

October 13, 2006 10:06 AM

Ismael Tapia II said:

Dee,
I know Charter can't fix my debit card issues. However, they certainly can fix my not paying the cable bill issues, and they can also reinstitute my autopay stuff. If that doesn't get done, I won't pay the cable bill for six months and shit will go bad.

Maggie,
Because it was too hot? What the fuck kind of a lame excuse is that? I would have lost my shit.

October 13, 2006 11:10 AM

Donnie said:

That's hilarious, and it reminds me of my grad school office mate's battle with AT&T (when they were in the cable business). He had been waiting months for them to actually install his cable. They kept scheduling appointments and either not showing up, or showing up at times other than the scheduled ones. So, just before this, they changed their phone system from one number to three separate numbers, one for billing, one for customer service, and one for something else. Naturally, they set it up so that there was supposedly no way to transfer callers from one system to the other. In the process of trying to get his problems fixed, which entailed both customer service and billing, they kept telling him he had to call the other line before the first could fix the problem. Well, many hours of hilarity insued, with my friend making several phone workers either cry or feel so dumb that they wished they could crawl into a hole and die. Meanwhile, all productivity in the office ended so that we could see and hear what this guy would say next. Ahh, good times with the voicemail loops.

October 13, 2006 11:13 AM