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This is Entirely Unacceptable!

December 11, 2006 9:44 PM

ook. Wisconsin does a few things, but it does them well. First, we make beer. The beer here is better than the beer anywhere else. Fuck you if you don't agree. Second, we have brats. We have an annual bratfest, for fuck's sake, and we try to set a world record for the most brats eaten in a single weekend every time. Almost 200,000 brats in three days is nothing to sneeze at. Third, we drive drunk. Let me rephrase. I don't drive drunk, but a hell of a lot of people do. My 1L criminal law professor told us that, at any given time, there are 20,000 drunk drivers on Wisconsin's roads. That's not good. I don't know where I was going with that. Whatever. Anyway, the other thing we do is we make cheese. Damned good cheese, and a ridiculous amount of it.

So I say we show those hippies out in California who's boss and refuse to give up the national cheese crown. What is this nonsense about them making more cheese than us? That's just not cool. It's staright up bullshit, and I saw we tip all of their dairy cows until they concede the title, once and for all, to Wisconsin.

One possible cause is that we're not eating enough cheese. Well, I for one pledge to do my part. There's a block of sharp cheddar the size of a car battery in my fridge, and I'm going to wittle that bad boy down to nothing as soon as I get home. That's how much I love Wisconsin. Now how about you? Are you doing your part? I expect every single last motherfucking one of you to go out and eat your own body weight in cheese curds, cheese sticks, cheese sauce, fondu (the Melting Pot just opened, after all), and whatever the fuck else has cheese in it.

Go! Go! For the good of the state!

God, I hate studying.



8 Comments


Utah said:

As I recall, the last time I offered to take people cow tipping you refused...

December 11, 2006 10:24 PM



morenonesense said:

I'll join the cheese eating fun, but only if it wasn't created in or cooked with products containing trans fat.

December 11, 2006 11:09 PM



TheExpat said:

Have you seen the obnoxiously huge (emphasis on the noxious) dairy farms they have in Central Cali? Wall to wall bovine madness, and it can take a full ten minutes to drive past it all on the highway.

All I can say to you is goodluck, Wisconsin. Goodluck and godspeed. Just don't forget to stock up on Metamucil.

December 11, 2006 11:51 PM



Anonymous said:

Don't fight it dude. Embrace California as you would a beautiful woman. You know what they say: "As California goes, so goes the nation."

December 12, 2006 12:38 AM



Santi said:

Uh, that California statement was by me.

December 12, 2006 12:39 AM



Dee said:

do you really mean the best anywhere in GLOBAL terms? i mean, you know, wisconsin is definitely the American Gold Standard as far as beer production goes. but if you think this supremacy spreads across the globe, well, i'm going to tell ireland what you said. the catholics and protestants will unite to tear your shit UP!

December 12, 2006 8:26 AM



TheExpat said:

I just noticed what Dee said, and if Wisconsin is the 'gold standard' of beer production for the U.S., I'm going to go ahead and jump off our building onto the powerlines, frizzle audibly and dangle in macabre fashion from my neck for a few moments, then fall to the street below where I will hopefully be crunched mercelessly by a passing tour bus.

December 15, 2006 2:58 AM



Ismael Tapia II said:

I have to defend the assertion that Wisconsin is the gold standard in terms of (at least) American beer production.

Mr. Expat, I know that may be hard to swallow when the first thing most non-Wisconsinites think of is something along the lines of Milwaukee's Best or Miller Genuine Draft. Or, worse, PBR. Sure, we make those beers. But, then, we make shitty string cheese, too. And that doesn't mean that all of our cheese is disposable.

Frankly, there are some amazing beers here in Wisconsin. From New Glarus to Capital Brewery to Leinie's. And, of course, let's not forget the incomparable Slab City.

In sort, we've got some fucking awesome beer here, and I invite everyone to come to this state and try it. You can crash on my couch.

December 16, 2006 2:39 PM



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