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Of Flaws and Family (and My Favorite YouTube Video)

March 13, 2007 1:53 AM

've been feeling pretty good about myself the past few days. Although there's still a hell of a lot I've gotta do between now and the end of the semester, I've been making progress, and that's a great feeling. Further, getting ready to finally actually be a real person has forced me to realize just how far I've come. I used to be anxious about getting out of school, getting a job, and actually just being an adult. Then, a while ago, I started to fear it and I started to wonder if I'd be able to make it. Now, though, I know I can, and I can't wait to be a grown up.

It stands to reason, then, that something would happen that would cause me to freak out and feel like a failure. Worst of all, I've let my family down and given them more fodder should they ever decide to point out my flaws. It's not the end of the world, I know, but I hate letting people down, most of all my family.

I owe my family pretty much everything. A few days ago, I was talking to some people and I told a story my mom's told me about when she and my aunt first came to America. I thought the story was hilarious, but when I was done with it, the people I was telling it to didn't laugh. Instead, one of them said "Wow, I can't believe your parents came here and had absolutely nothing and now you're in law school." And the other person said "Yeah, I was just thinking the exact same thing." It was the first time in a while that I stopped to think about how far my family's come in the forty or so years that we've been in this country. My response to the people I told my story to came out rather trite: "Oh, me being in law school has more to do with my parents than me." I think it came out sounding like I was saying my parents pressured me to come, but that's not what I meant. What I meant was just that, thanks to my family's amazingly hard work, I've always known I'd be ok.

That's why things like what happened today make me so sad, I think. I might be smart and educated and relatively successful by some measures, but there are at least some aspects of me that are completely fucked up and that, for whatever reason, have not benefitted from the years of hard work my parents went through.

My family forgives me, of course--that's what families do. But I just hope that someday I can pay them back.

And now for the video . . .
This is the Arcade Fire playing Wake Up under very unusual circumstances, and I think it's fucking awesome.



2 Comments


TheExpat said:

Ismael, it does my heart good to read this.

My grandfather was an roughneck in the oilfields of Texas. He worked all day, barely ever got a day off, and because he worked so hard, my mother was inspired to do the same. Now I'm old and my quality of life is great, but I'm ashamed of being such a fuckup compared to them.

We can make up for our trespasses, my friend, but remember that your family is happiest when you are happy, a state of being that is entirely possible without taking advantage of their good wishes.

March 13, 2007 8:29 AM



Crackers said:

That Arcade Fire video was awesome.

On a somewhat related note, and to cheer you up a bit if you need it, I managed to find an Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer video online where he is arguing for development of some wetlands.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoID=652695596

March 13, 2007 5:48 PM



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