Here is No Why

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I'm Like a Piece of Trash

June 12, 2007 12:57 AM

hen I woke up this morning, I was filled with this sense of complete and utter dread. And I know exactly why.

As I've mentioned before, I used to work at this TV station. I really liked the job, and I thought for a long time that i wanted to work in television production. It was interesting and fun, and I've always liked being behind the scenes in some capacity. I changed my major in school accordingly, and I started taking all the required classes. And I was really psyched for the whole thing. Then I got fired. Granted, getting fired was completely my fault, but it was still devastating. I remember feeling as if I lost all direction in my life--I felt like a ship without a course or heading. Or even a rudder. Even though the plans I made in my head were all vague and indefinite, they were still there. And the knowledge that I could never follow through on those plans freaked me out.

As far as major life decisions go, that was probably about as scared as I've ever been. But that feeling only lasted for a few hours. Within that time, I was able to gain enough perspective on the situation to realize that the plans I had made in my mind were, frankly, stupid. And, having made that realization, I knew that everything was going to be alright. And I knew exactly what I was going to do with myself.

I know exactly where I was when I decided to come to law school. I was in my car at the stop sign at the intersection of Dupont and Humphreys, facing west, just down the street from the House. In that second, everything was back in place, and my life had some vague direction again.

See, even though a reasonable observer might have justifiably doubted, at certain points in my life, whether I had any goals or ambition, I have always subjectively had some goal and a realistic way of getting there.

So what does that have to do with this morning? Since that moment at the corner of Dupont and Humphreys, I've had a goal: be a lawyer. And I've been so excited to reach that goal. And now I'm here (although I'm not admitted to practice in any jurisdiction yet). And this is the first time I've ever reached some goal and been freaked out.

At some point between when I went to bed last night and when I woke up this morning, my mind and body realized something: I'm this close to being an adult. When I woke up this morning, I was tired and grumpy and groggy. And I dreaded the fact that, for the next forty years, this is what Monday mornings are going to be. I realized this as I struggled to make myself get up, and the thought just sort of materialized full-formed in my head as part of my internal monologue. But then I couldn't make it go away.

Then at dinner, I realized that I'm pretty freaked out about a lot of things, not the least of which is my probable move to Chicago. I don't think I mind change, and I think I'm ready for it, but it freaks me the fuck out. I can't articulate exactly why. Part of it is that I don't want to move away from the friends I have here. Part of it is stress about the bar and my continued unemployment. But there's more. I'm hesitant to label it, or to talk about it, or to even acknowledge it.

Maybe it's regret. Or just plain fear. Or maybe it's the fact that, once again, I have this complete lack of direction. And what's worse is that, unlike before, I can't control my direction. Yeah, I can send out a rainforest's worth of resumes, but the ultimate decision is beyond my control.

Anyway. It just freaks me out.

4 Comments

TheExpat said:

You are smart to realize you have a ways to go as far as maturity. Hell, don't we all? But, the moment you decided what you really wanted to do with your life, that day so far back in Flag, it was that day you became an adult. You made a decision independant of friends, family, or others to distract you, and while we may have influenced you on some level, you still made the decision on your own.

So stop freaking out. You're just waking up to around three years of reality, that's all.

June 12, 2007 2:33 AM

Cybot said:

Make sure you let us know before you move so as that we might all get together one last time.

June 12, 2007 10:02 AM

Dee said:

You know, even on the day you got fired you reacted in an adult manner. You bought some sharp new clothes and you treated a few of us to dinner, at Buster's no less. It's easy enough to convince yourself that having some modicum of control over your life is the mark of adulthood, but it's a false premise. You don't need to freak out--that anxiety is a total waste of your time. I felt like such a failure when I didn't get into the one grad school i applied to, but my life has been on such an interesting course since then that i am glad my Big Plan didn't work out. Blah di blah di blah. I think you are in the perfect field, and opportunities will come your way. Until then, enjoy the poker games and go see Transformers. It CAN'T suck more than pirates 3.

June 12, 2007 10:36 AM

JLee said:

wow, from tv production to law. That's quite a change! You definitely have the potential to make more money in the latter. Being in tv production, there are not many directions UP if you know what I mean. Good luck on your endeavors!

June 13, 2007 5:59 PM