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Optimus Prime Does Not Have Flames, Goddamnit!

June 7, 2007 1:38 AM

s you may or may not be aware, a Transformers movie is coming out this summer. Like most boys of my generation, I loved the Transformers--they were cars and robots! That's just awesome. So, when I first heard about this movie, I was really excited. But now that I've seen some previews, I'm not excited. In fact, I'm actively unexcited. Here's one of the trailers:

Here's a still of what Optimus Prime will look like in the movie:

First of all, Optimus Prime really looks like this:

Note the complete lack of hotrod flames. Why doesn't Optimus Prime have flames? Because he's a fucking dignified leader, not some two-bit pimped out ride. But that's only the beginning. Notice how the real Optimus Prime's robot form looks, well, like a semi truck that transformed into a vaguely humanoid form. Now look at Michael Bay's Optimus Prime's robot form:

Seriously, what the fuck? Since when do the Transformers look like some ridiculous anime mecha?

Also, and I realize that this bothers me more than it probably should, in that trailer, how is the Camaro Transformer's robot form thirty feet tall when the car is only ten feet long? What does all that robot come from? it's fucking ridiculous!

This is all aside from the point that the tone of the trailer--and, I presume, the movie--is all wrong. Why is Michael Bay trying to set some serious, dark mood? That's just stupid.

This movie is going to suck balls.



6 Comments


frank x. said:

I hate to burst the childhood bubble, but you know that the transformers cartoon was just a very cheaply produced infomercial designed to see cheaply produced toys (which they were, considering it usually took me about 30 minutes to an hour to break one). Also, the old Optimus Prime looks say worse than the old one. I won't watch the movie, but it's time you gave up the transformers dream. I propose that no one could make a good Transformers movie, given that when applied to the real world, the concept is silly. Now a homoerotic Thunder Cats movie, that would be awesome.

June 7, 2007 11:44 AM



Annonymouse said:

Hairy, stinky balls at that.

June 7, 2007 2:12 PM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Frank,
You're totally right about the nature of the old Transformers cartoon. But, then, that's the case with pretty much all cartoons from our childhood: G.I. Joe and He-Man were the exact same thing.

But your greater point is right on: it's a bad idea to make a Transformers movie period. I agree with that, except I would make one modification. I would say that it's a bad idea to attempt to make a serious movie about the Transformers. I think it would have been better (although possibly not good) to make a Transformers movie that was pure ridiculous action. Or a cartoon. A serious live-action movie was a terrible idea.

June 7, 2007 2:20 PM



Dee said:

fxv--ask and you shall receive:
http://www.pajiba.com/pajibacats-hooo.htm

June 7, 2007 9:51 PM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Ugh. There's no way that a live-action Thundercats movie could not suck. Does the studio not see that? I mean, Lion-O and his phallic sword existed on an unapproachable level of cool when I was eight and they were a cartoon. How could they possibly be anywhere near as cool when Lion-O's played by Orlando Bloom in a lion Halloween costume? That's going to be one of the worst movies ever.

The terrible remakes have to stop.

June 8, 2007 1:04 AM



Randy Stevenson said:

The Transformers movie is going to suck not because it's live action or because Optimus Prime has flames (though that is ridiculous). It's going to suck because it's not actually about what the Transformers universe is about. The Decepticons were never trying to kill all humans. They just wanted domain over Cybertron. Also, there already was an animated Transformers movie. And it was legitimately awesome.

June 8, 2007 3:04 AM



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