There is apparently something called the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, the purpose of which is to find the worst opening sentence to a fake novel each year. The contest was inspired by the line "It was a dark and stormy night," which apparently actually is the first line of a really bad novel.

In any event, would-be authors submit their horrible sentences each year, and the winner gets the grand prize--$250--and some well-deserved notoriety. If you go to the site, you can read some really, really awful sentences. My personal favorite is this one:

She wasn't really my type, a hard-looking but untalented reporter from the local cat box liner, but the first second that the third-rate representative of the fourth estate cracked open a new fifth of old Scotch, my sixth sense said seventh heaven was as close as an eighth note from Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, so, nervous as a tenth grader drowning in eleventh-hour cramming for a physics exam, I swept her into my longing arms, and, humming "The Twelfth of Never," I got lucky on Friday the thirteenth.

Anyway, this year's winner--Jim Gleeson--hails from right here in Madison, Wisconsin. Here's his winning--or losing, depending on how you look at it--sentence:

Gerald began — but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them 'permanently' meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash — to pee.

I'm glad to see that, in addition to beer, cheese, fat people, and cows (of the real and fiberglass variety), we're now known for our really bad authors. Great!

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 1:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Funny Shit , Rants on the News

Just finished reading the last Harry Potter. Here's what I thought, in no particular order as it's late, I'm tired, and I'm still processing the whole thing. In order to avoid spoiling people who haven't read it yet, I'm going to make it so that you have to highlight the text to read it.

First of all, J.K. Rowling starts the thing off by letting you know that she's not fucking around--killing Hedwig and Mad-Eye in the first few pages was something I didn't at all expect, but it really made it perfectly clear that every character was fair game.

Eleventh, I cried at several points. Not really cried cried, but teared up. Mad-Eye did it for me, which I wouldn't have expected. Ron's return definitely got me, as did Percy's sudden arrival. But, then, by the time Percy came back, I was pretty much already teared up because, come on, the return of Dumbledore's Army was awesome. The end definitely did it. Dumbledore telling Harry that Harry was the better man. So many heart-wrenching and -warming moments--I can't even remember them all.

All in all, the book was far more than I could possibly have expected. Ms. Rowling did not disappoint.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 4:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (10)| Filed under Book Reviews , Existential Nonsense , Fun Shit I've Done , General Awesomeness , Harry Potter

After two months of preparation (three years of preparation if you count law school), nine essay questions, one MPT, two hundred multiple-choice questions, and two days, the bar exam is finally over.

How did I do? I have absolutely no idea. I wouldn't be surprised if I failed--I had no confidence in my answers to lots of questions. I guess I'll find out in October.

I'm trying not to think about it too much, though. Instead, I'm trying to keep my eyes on the things that are really important. Namely, my impending night at a tequila bar. Oh. Yes.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 5:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , General Awesomeness , Law School

So, here's what I did on the night before the second day of my bar exam.

I had come back to the hotel pretty early. I decided I was hungry, so I decided that I was going to order room service bercause--fuck it, why not? So, I ordered up a club sandwhich and they said it'd be here in a few minutes. They asked me if I wanted anything to drink, and I said "no thanks."

But I did want something to drink. I wanted water, which is what I drink almost exclusively. Unless I'm drinking booze. But that's a different story. Anyway, so I decided I wanted some water. But what's water if it's warm? I needed ice-cold water and for that I would need ice. But my hotel only has ice machines on odd-numbered floors. I'm on the 30th floor, so I decided to go down a flight of stairs and get some ice. Then I came back up here and realized something stupid: I had locked myself out of my room.

So I went downstairs and asked the guy to let me back in. He said I could come back up to the room and wait outside while security got here. So I came back up here and waited. And waited. Eventually, the room service guy came up carrying a huge tray with my sandwhich, a tiny bottle of ketchup, and a glass full of ice water, thereby rendering my entire ordeal pointless.

So now the room service guy and I are standing in the hallway waiting for the security guy. I'm standing there awkwardly and then decide to try to make small talk. That didn't go well and things got even more awkward. And this guy's just standing there holding this huge tray. So finally I just say "look, let me sign for that and I can just hold it." I was sick of the awkwardness. So I sign, take the tray, and go back to waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

Eventually, the security guy comes back and lets me into my room but tells me I have to show him my ID. So, as I'm putting my tray down on the coffee table, the fucking glass of water on it goes falling to the floor and shatters into a million jagged glass pieces.

Now the security guy called up the housekeeping guy. The housekeeping guy showed up and started cleaning up the glass. Then there was another knock on the door. It was the security guy. He handed me another glass of water.

But here's the kicker. Since I was only going down one flight of stairs and didn't expect to see anyone, I was only wearing a t-shirt and my boxers. Needless to say the people in the lobby were less than thrilled.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 11:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Fun Shit I've Done , Funny Shit , Superman

It's the night before the bar exam, and how do I feel? Relatively fine, actually. The bar exam doesn't matter too much. Even if I fail, I'll be admitted in Wisconsin, and there are plenty of law jobs there.

Failing doesn't matter much. Except for one thing. I want to live in Chicago really badly.

It's pretty much awesome down here.

Anyway, wish me luck. And good luck to all of you other recent law grads taking bar exams across the country. Let's show this thing who's boss.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 10:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Law School , Things I'm Irrationally Attached To

I'm done studying. Fuck that shit. I can't handle a single second more of it. I think my mind is now so full of crap about invitees, grantors, defeasible fees, perfection, specific performance, and false pretenses that I've forgotten how to count.

Seriously, how the hell am I supposed to hold all this crap in my head for any period of time? Oh, right, I'm not--I'm going to forget every single thing I've "learned" over the past few weeks the second I walk out of the exam on Wednesday.

And let me tell you, I fully expect for that second to be the happiest second of my life.

But the actual exam still stands in my way. RPM and Bluebunny and I are getting in my car tomorrow and driving down to Chicago. It's going to be awesome--like a little road trip. I'm going to firmly insist on absolutely no discussion of anything having an even tangential relationship to the bar. Bluebunny, I'm looking at you here.

Although I'm taking some of my study materials down with me, I don't really expect to do too much tomorrow night. I hope to have some dinner and then relax and maybe go over some of the stuff I'm a little less confident on.

Overall, though, I'm feeling alright. Although it's certainly possible that I'll fail, I'm feeling pretty good about the multiple choice portion. I'm a little less confident about the essays, but I should be able to pull through. If not, oh well. Worst things can happen than failing the bar.

Also, in what is perhaps the most dangerous thing I've done in a while, I went and picked up my copy of Deathly Hallows today. But I haven't even opened it yet. I haven't even read the first word for fear that I will immediately get sucked in. I went and got it today so that it'll be waiting for me when I get back on Thursday night. Then I fully plan to stay up all night reading the damned thing. I can't wait to be able to discuss it with people.

Purple Hays, I'm so jealous!

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 1:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Harry Potter , Law School , Life Sucks Sometimes , The Lord of the Rings

Seriously, I should be in bed. But I don't want to go to bed. Because the sooner I go to bed, the sooner I'll wake up and have to study for the fucking bar. I hate the bar.

Did you know that tomorrow's Saturday? I did not know that. I had no idea today was Friday. I looked at the little calendar on my desktop and thought "It's Friday? Why the fuck aren't I hanging out with my friends? Oh, right, because God has forsaken me."

Why can't this thing just be over?

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 1:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Law School , Life Sucks Sometimes , Rants

Ugh. The absolute last thing I want to do right now is open up my fucking Bar/Bri books and read some more stupid outlines or do more practice essays or multiple-choice questions.

I'd much rather read for fun, watch TV, play my guitar, play some video games, hang out with my friends, play with the cats, sleep, go for a drive, or light myself on fire. Any of those things would be extremely preferable to studying about holders in due course, temporary restraining orders, libel, or any of that other bullshit.

I wish the bar was today so that it would at least be over with. I hate everything about this.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 3:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Law School , Life Sucks Sometimes , Rants

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the final Harry Potter book, comes out on July 21st. I take the Illinois bar exam on July 24th and 25th. I need to study pretty much every second between now and the exam. Therefore, I won't be able to read book seven until after the exam. There is only one possible conclusion: the universe hates me.

Still, I'm ridiculously excited about the new book--Half-Blood Prince was pretty much amazing. If waiting for the three Star Wars prequels taught me anything, however, it's to stay the fuck away from spoilers. Apparently, someone has posted what they claim is the entire book online, but I don't want to have anything to do with that. Still, speculation is fun. So, here are some of my predictions about what's going to happen in Deathly Hallows.

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger all survive.
I don't care how much J.K. Rowling teases this--there's no fucking way she's going to kill Harry. There's just no fucking way--I refuse to entertain the thought for even a second. And I can't imagine either of Harry's best friends biting it, either. Especially since they're finaly going to get together.

Hermione and Ron finally get together.
It's been building since the beginning, so I'm really looking forward to seeing this pay off.

Snape is a good guy.
Again, I don't care how much she doesn't want this to be obvious, but Dumbledore trusted him and that's good enough for me. Snape was acting according to Dumbledore's orders.

Snape's probably going to die.
Maybe even to save Harry. Wouldn't that be awesome? In any event, I just don't see Snape making it out of this alive. Like, what, years later him and Harry would meet up at the Hog's Head and talk about that time they killed the Dark Lord? No way, he's dead.

Percy will stop being an asshole.
Percy was always the most douched-out Weasley, but his behavior lately has been unacceptable. He'll come around and live up to his family's example.

Ginny and Harry stay together, have lots of babies.
They totally end up together. No doubt.

Draco might not be a bad guy.
I think Draco's been trying to live up to his father's example for a long time, but I don't think he's got the stomach to be a real Death Eater. I wouldn't be surprised to see him join the fight against Voldemort once he realizes what the Dark Lord really stands for and what would happen if he actually regained power.

Those are pretty much all my specific predictions, other than that the book's going to kick ass. The other thing I've been thinking about, of course, is who's going to die. I think that Neville's a good candidate for biting it, but I think that Luna's pretty safe. At least I hope so--I love her. I think all the Weasleys are going to be ok, and most of the teachers (except Snape). I wouldn't be surprised to see Remus die, though. Or Mad-eye. Or Tonks. In fact, I bet a lot of members of the Order are going to bite it. I think there's a reasonable possibility that Hagrid will die, although he doesn't really know magic, so I don't know why he'd be in the middle of a big magical duel thing, so maybe he's got a good chance.

I wonder if Grawp will play a role in the last book's events?

God, I wish I didn't have to take the bar.

Anyway, what do you guys think?

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 2:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Harry Potter , Law School

A friend of mine that I haven't talked to in almost a year called me on Friday. Twice. But I haven't called her back yet. Not because I don't want to, not because I don't miss her, not because I don't want to see how she's doing, but because I don't have time. I fucking hate studying for the bar exam.

I don't usually stress out too much, and I've been entirely too nonstressed about the bar. Although it's certainly possible that I will fail, Illinois has upwards of an 80 percent passage rate, so I just don't have any supermotivating fear. And, besides, I don't have a job yet, in Chicago or otherwise. So it's possible that I'll take the bar and then find a job in Wisconsin, anyway. In other words, the odds are in my favor and, even if I get fucked, I've got a safety net. These things together mean that I'm just not superstressed.

Still, I had a moment of panic tonight. Not about the bar, but about the effect that studying for the bar--together with trying to finish up my Law Review stuff--has had on my nonlegal life. I felt like a horrible, terrible person. I've got some amendments I need to make for the Wisconsin bar application (nothing major, I just forgot to include some zip codes which are apparently imperative in determining whether I have the necessary character and fitness), I need to mail my lease extension letter to my landlord so that I'll have somewhere to live after the end of the month, I have to mail a few other things, I've got some bills to pay, my apartment has reached almost unprecedented levels of disorder and uncleanliness, I haven't spent nearly enough time with the cats lately, I've neglected some of my best friends. The list goes on and on.

The worst part about it, really, is my friends. One of my best friends moved to New Zealand a few months ago, but I was too busy to have a real conversation with him before he left. Basically, I've been an asshole to all of my non-Madison friends for about the past year, and I feel really bad about that. Sorry, guys.

I hope that I'll be able to catch up on all this stuff after July 25th, but, as Mr. Morenononsense pointed out in a rare phone conversation the other day, people get more busy after they get real jobs, not less. Still, I firmly believe that I can keep in touch with everyone (not to mention keep abreast of my other responsibilities) once I'm free of the responsibilities I have now. Studying and Law Review are both things that I do for the whole day. Today, for example, I was at school at ten to do some editing and I stopped studying at about 11:30. Hopefully my future job won't regularly require me to work that many hours in one day. Hopefully.

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed now so that I can do this all over tomorrow. God, is it August yet?

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 2:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Law School , Life Sucks Sometimes , Wisconsin Law Review

As you may or may not know, The Smashing Pumpkins--my favorite band of all time--released their first album in seven years last week. I haven't been as excited as you might think, though, for a few reasons. First, it's not really The Smashing Pumpkins--it's just Billy Corgan and Jimmy Chamberlin. While Billy was always the main songwriter and the Pumpkin sound always depended heavily on Jimmy's drumming, I was afraid that the absence of James Iha (not to mention D'arcy, who I maintain was an underrated member) would result in a diminishment of the band's awesomeness. Maybe the band was more than the sum of its parts and, even with Billy always firmly in control, the other members nonetheless made perhaps intangible contributions. My second fear was that Billy's latest work, especially his solo album TheFutureEmbrace has, frankly, sucked. Billy's latest efforts have failed to even approach the unmitigated awesomeness of some of his earlier work. So, although I bought the album on the day it came out, I wasn't exactly extremely excited.

As it turns out, that's a good thing--at least this way, I wasn't as disappointed as I otherwise might have been. Zeitgeist doesn't suck completely, but it barely deserves to be called a Smashing Pumpkins album, and I doubt that it will appeal to anyone who hasn't been holding their breath since the Pumpkin's last show at the Metro.

The thing starts out promisingly enough. The first song, "Doomsday Clock" opens with some of Jimmy's patented awesome drumming. Jimmy's always been one of the best drummers in rock, and that comes through on this album. Billy, unfortunately, doesn't pul his weight.

The guitar work is extremely uninspired--it almost sounds as though the whole thing was written on autopilot. There are no discernable musical motifs, no hooks, no memorable riffs--not even a badass guitar solo. Instead, Billy alternates between nondescript loud guitar parts and nondescript slightly less loud guitar parts. There are almost no major dynamic differences between one song and the next, with the result being that the whole album runs together. On old Pumpkins album, one song would be balls-to-the-wall rock and the next would be a fragile ballad; Zeitgeist is what you'd get if you took the dynamic range of Melon Collie and averaged out all the songs; it's just one series of distorted power chords after another, without any emotional or musical differences to speak of. And the guitar solos are pathetic. They're basically all retreads of the solo from "Zero"; they all involve nonmelodic guitar parts pumped through harmonizer and modulation effects. It's sad.

If the album lacks dynamics, then the songs are even more static. A good example is "United States" which, at 9:53, is the longest track on the album. I've said before that Billy writes excellent long songs. Well, leave it to him to prove that those days are long gone. Basically, it's as if he knows that he used to be able to write great, epic songs, but he forgot how. "United States" basically consists of a mediocre four-minute song followed by what can only be described as pseudopsychadelic, effects-laden, "Silverfuck"-wannabe guitar bullshit, followed by the same five-note rhythmic motif, followed by, well, more crap. Basically, it's one of the worst tracks on the album and one of the worst songs the Pumpkins have ever done.

Perhaps most damningly, there's absolutely no acoustic guitar on this album, at least not that I've heard. On "Cherub Rock", one of the Pumpkins' hardest-rocking songs, Billy used an acoustic guitar for just one chord to give the chorus an extra lift. On this album, he's eschewed the acoustic guitar completely which, frankly, is unforgivable.

Being the only nondrummer Pumpkin left, Billy took the opportunity to do a few things he previously left up to other people (the liner notes literally say "Jimmy Chamberlin: Drums, Billy Corgan: All the Rest." The most audible difference is that Billy takes on the primary back-up vocals role. It used to be that D'arcy would provide some vocals, with Billy adding some overdubs here and there. Or they'd at least both have some parts. Or at least Billy's back-up vocals would be subtle. Here, it's all Billy's voice all the time. In fact, there are several instances in which the only sound is several layers of Billy's voice. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as you don't hate Billy's voice, which I don't. The problem, however, is that the vocals are entirely uninspired. As with the guitar, there are no memorable lines, no memorable melodies, nothing. It's just there.

Even worse, though, is the fact that the vocals are both too quiet and too loud. It sounds like Billy refused to scream or sing loud, but he still cranks the voice in the mix. The result is that Billy's voice sounds bored and static even when the music is loud and furious.

There's on bright spot: I really sort of like "Bring the Light," which is probably the most dynamic song on the album. But even that song sort of peters out about halfway through.

Overall, the album is a disappointment, but I can't say that I'm surprised. If I had to rank all of Billy's work, my list would look like this:

1. Siamese Dream
2. Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness (which includes The Aeroplane Flies High
3. Pisces Iscariot
4. Gish
5. Adore
6. Mary Star of the Sea (with Zwan)
7. MACHINA/The Machines of God and MACHINA II/The Friends and Enemies of Modern Music
8. Zeitgeist
9. TheFutureEmbrace (Billy's solo album)

1. Men like blond bombshells (and women want to look like them). I'm glad we've got researchers on this case. Men like blonds? And women want to be blond? Men like big tits? And women want big tits? Awesome. Thanks.
2. Humans are naturally polygamous. You mean, evolutionarily speaking, early man wasn't about weddings, rings, and life-long commitment? Again, shocking.
3. Most women benefit from polygyny, while most men benefit from monogamy. It's better for women to be able to share a rich man than have a poor man all to themselves. On the flip side, monagamy ensures that there's a pretty even male-to-female ratio, so men will probably find a mate. Under polygyny, the best men would get all the women and the worst men would get no woman at all.
4. Most suicide bombers are Muslim. This one can actually be verified. I'm sure it's true, but the interesting point is the reasons the article gives for why it's true. Most suicide bombers are poor, young, and single. Moreover, Islam condones polygyny, so poor, young men are screwed over in terms of being able to attract women, who all gravitate to rich men. Add in the fact that Islam promises suicide bombers seventy-two virgins, and you've got a recipe for, well, disaster.
5. Having sons reduces the likelihood of divorce. Wealth means reproductive success. A son's attractiveness depends on his wealth, which his father can influence. A daughter's wealth depends on her youth and attractiveness, which her father cannot influence. Therefore, men will stick around for sons but not for daughters.
6. Beautiful people have more daughters. The article claims that this one's true, but concedes that "[t]he biological mechanism by which this occurs is not yet understood." I call shenanigans on the whole thing.
7. What Bill Gates and Paul McCartney have in common with criminals. Men's creativity and proclivity for criminal behavior increases through adolescence, peaks in the twenties, and then rapidly declines. Which explains why Mr. McCartney hasn't written a hit song in a while and why Mr. Gates is rich as shit but is no longer a software wunderkind.
8. The midlife crisis is a myth—sort of. A man's mid-life crisis is due to his wife's entering menopause, not his being crazy.
9. It's natural for politicians to risk everything for an affair (but only if they're male). Being powerful and successful means you can be incredibly successful reproductively, so why not take advantage of it? if you're a man, you will.
10. Men sexually harass women because they are not sexist. This one splits sexual harrassment into two categories. In the first, men use their power to attempt to get sex. That one just makes sense (see above). In the second, men treat women as they'd treat other men--and, in fact, as they treated other men before women entered the work force--so men aren't discriminating. Instead, apparently, women just can't take it.

As I tried to say in that conversation with that fucking hippy, thinking of things in terms of human nature is dumb, not because human beings aren't predisposed to acting in certain ways, but because human beings are the only animal of which I am aware that have the potential to disregard whatever predispositions evolution might impose. It might be human nature to be omnivorous, but there are plenty of people that don't eat meat--we call those people idiots. Similarly, it might be human nature for men, taken as a whole, to prefer blonds, but that doesn't mean anything about the preferences about any particular individual, and I know plenty of people--myself included--that prefer, for example, red hair.

More important than that, however, is the fact that human nature and morality are unrelated. Just because human beings are predisposed to do or not do some thing has no effect on whether that thing is right or wrong (and there are such things as objective right and wrong, but that's a whole other post). It doesn't matter, for example, if it's understandable, from a biological perspective, for a politician to have an affair. Cheating on your significant other is, in almost all circumstances, wrong. It is no moral excuse to say "Well, sure, I fucked my intern, but that's because I have access to all these women! It would be stupid of me not to take advantage of this opportunity to procreate!" It may be true that humans have these tendencies, but it's also true that we expect others and ourselves not to give into them.

Also, it seems that a lot of these are incredible oversimplifications, particularly the one about suicide bombers. Now, assuming that the article fairly represents the statistics (which I have no reason to doubt), the explanation they present is naive at best and, at worst, a completely indefensible slight to Muslims around the world. It may be true that the vast majority of Muslim suicide bombers are poor, young, single men. It does not necessarily follow, however, that their actions are motivated entirely by their inability to get laid on Earth and their belief that they will get laid a lot in heaven.

First of all, the Wikipedia entry that mentions the seventy-two virgins thing says that at least one Muslim scholar claims that "mainstream Muslims regard this belief about 72 virgins in the same way that mainstream Christians regard the belief that after death they will be issued with wings and a harp, and walk on clouds." In other words, mainstream Muslims probably don't take that particular passage literally. Suicide bombers are certainly not "mainstream," but it seems like a stretch to believe that a large number of Muslims take the virgin thing seriously--even those associated with fringe groups.

Moreover, the explanation the article offers fails to consider the possibility that suicide bombers are suicide bombers because they choose to be. There are many poor, young, single Muslim men that do not become suicide bombers. If the decision was as clear cut as the article suggests, it seems that the entire Muslim lower class would be lining up to have dynamite strapped to their chests. But that doesn't seem to be the case.

Ultimately, what's wrong with the list isn't that it's incorrect--I'm sure it's largely accurate. What's wrong is that it fails to consider human agency--I can choose what to do, and so can you.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 1:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)| Filed under Philosophical Rants

I have exactly nothing to say right now. I've scoured the internet looking for something interesting to talk about, but there's nothing. I've noticed that my posts have been relatively introspective or narrow lately. This is probably due to the fact that I'm so busy right now that I don't really have time to take note of interesting things to talk about on here.

So let's try this. Is there anything you guys would like to have me rant about? I promise to throw in a bunch of "fuck"s. Let me know.

Dee, I know you wanted my opinion on the whole Auto-admit thing, but the fact of the matter is that I don't really have an opinion. I've been to that site, and I can tell you that every person who posted on there was a douchebag of galactic proportions. I can only assume that the purveyors were even bigger douchebags. So, I sort of think that they deserve everything they get, just on general principle. As I contended in my post about Don Imus, however, having a right to do something doesn't mean you should. So, in this case, having (or thinking you have) the right to say nasty things about female law students doesn't mean you should, and I would have expected future lawyers to know better. On the other hand, I don't know that I would have sued had I been the target of those comments. Like I said, I don't know a lot about it, so I could be completely off base. One thing I do know, though, is that the whole thing makes the legal profession look bad--as if it needed any help in that department. That pisses me off because a large proportion of the lawyers I've interacted with take their jobs, their profession, their reputation, their duties, very seriously and are extremely conscientious about not making the legal profession look, well, evil. Maybe I've been lucky, but that's just my experience.

Also, I'm aware that Zeitgeist, The Smashing Pumpkins' first album in seven years, came out today. I bought it but, due to circumstances outside of my control, have not listened to it all the way through yet. I wasn't too impressed by what I've heard, though. I'll post a full review as soon as I've had time to process it.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 1:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Law School , Legal Rants , Rants on the News , The Smashing Pumpkins

One of the biggest local news stories here in Madison, Wisconsin over the past few weeks has been the disappearance of Kelly Nolan. Apparently, she vanished from downtown a few weeks ago. It was nighttime, she was out barhopping with her friends. She was last seen on State Street, the street that connects the UW campus to the State Capital, and the center of Madison's nightlife.

Last seen, that is, until today. Police found what they're pretty sure is her body in a field not too far from my apartment.

Last week, while getting lunch with Bluebunny and RPM, we saw Ms. Nolan's mother putting up flyers with her daughter's picture. I felt terrible because, at that time, she'd already been missing for several days. I've heard vague statistics about how unlikely it is that a missing person will be found alive after a certain number of hours. I remember hoping that this would be one of the rare cases where things ended alright. Or, that, like the case a few years ago, that Ms. Nolan had run away or kidnapped herself or something.

But that's apparently not what happened. It appears, from the limited information available right now, that Ms. Nolan was murdered. I have no idea what happened between the time she was abducted and the time her body was discovered, and I don't want to speculate. But, needless to say, I'm fairly certain it wasn't good.

This whole incident is scary for a few reasons. First of all, I've been on State Street alone at bar time numerous times. And I've never really felt threatened down there. Of course being big and male makes it unlikely that I'll be abducted or messed with, but I have many female friends who could easily find themselves walking home alone after having some drinks with friends. It's scary to think that they're not safe, even in the shadow of our capital's dome.

And it's scary, also, to think that there is a murderer in our community. I mean, there's probably more than one murderer around, given that Madison's population. But the fact that something like this happened in this town just makes me wonder what kind of person could do something like this. Who would abduct someone and then dump them in a field? How could any human being be that depraved?

It's a terrible thing. I'm sorry for Ms. Nolan's family's loss.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 1:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Goddamnit , Rants on the News

You can read my thoughts on the "pink CD" here.

"Where Boys Fear to Tread"--5/5
This song is really simple, but it rocks a decent amount. Moreover, I really like the way it starts off this side of the album: from disparate sounds it builds to a relatively steady, driving rhythm. It's one of the simpler songs on the album--it doesn't involve a solo or any lead work, really--but I think it's a good song to drive to. Also, it features the explosions from the video game "Doom" that are mentioned in the liner notes.

"Bodies"--5/5
This is, by far, the hardest, most rocking song on the album. From start to finish, it's nothing but balls-to-the-wall, dropped-D-tuned, rock-your-socks-off, guitar-driven loudness. Billy's screams in this one are awesome. The brief interlude is perfect, especially with the freaky chant-type background. The whole song is summed up the chorus: "Love is suicide, love is suicide."

On a side note, check out this acoustic version of this song. It takes the song and completely flips it on its head. I really like it.

"Thirty-Three"--3/5
In terms of overall album construction, I understand why this song and "In the Arms of Sleep" follow "Bodies" and "Where Boys Fear to Tread." But this has never been one of my favorite songs. I don't dislike it, but I can't remember having ever sought it out. I was never able to understand why they released this one as a single.

"In the Arms of Sleep"--3/5
This song has grown on me a little bit over the years, but it's still not one of my favorites. The arrangement's decent, I like some of the lyrics, but I've just never connected with this one.

"1979"--5/5
I remember the first time I saw this music video. It was perfect. I was in high school at the time, and I pretty much wanted to do all the stupid things the kids in the video were doing. Except the part where you roll down a hill in a tire. That just seemed unpleasant. Anyway, I really like this song. I would prefer if the album version wasn't quit so electronic, but this it's still awesome.

"Tales of a Scorched Earth"--4/5
Sweet. Another song that unapologetically rocks. It's pretty sweet, the guitar in it is awesome, the effect on Billy's voice fits the song perfectly--the whole thing sounds like it's performed on chainsaws. In a good way.

"Thru the Eyes of Ruby"--5/5
This has long been one of my absolute favorite Pumpkins songs and definitely one of the best songs on the album, in my opinion. I love every part of this song--from the underwater-sounding verses to the distorted choruses. From the mellow bridge to the build-up, to the outro. Oh--and especially the almost completely unrelated acoustic part at the end. The whole song is nearly flawless.

"Stumbleine"--5/5
Another song that's just awesome. It's so mellow and soothing, but also incredibly touching. The arrangement--just Billy and a guitar--is perfect in its simplicity. One of the best mellow songs the Pumpkins ever did.

"X.Y.U."--4/5
The last rockin' song of the album, and it doesn't disappoint. It's one of those longer songs that, somehow, manages to be energetic and interesting for over seven minutes. "And in the eyes of the jackal I say KA-BOOM!!!!!!!!" Sweet.

"We Only Come Out at Night"--3/5
Huh? Where the hell did this song come from? It's ok, I guess, but it's nothing to write home about.

"Beautiful"--3/5
Again, just sort of a strange song. You can tell the album is winding down. The vocals are ok, but, again, it's nothing special. I almost never listen to this one unless I'm listening to the whole album.

"Lily (My One and Only)"--3/5
Even though I named one of my cats after this song (the other one is named Smash--three guesses as to where that came from), I don't really like this song a lot. It's just sort of there.

"By Starlight"--3/5
This one's better than any of the last three songs, but it's still not above three-star status.

Farewell and Goodnight--4/5
This song has the distinction of being the only song on which all four original Pumpkins sing lead vocals. I think it's a beautiful song. Falling asleep to this one is awesome because it's so mellow and, well, lullaby-like. The outro is also awesome. Fading out on a repeating piano riff is a great way to bookend the album.

So, there you have it. The album kicks ass. Deal with it.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 11:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)| Filed under Music Reviews , The Smashing Pumpkins

You destroyed me. Literally--nothing about me was the same after you left. I had been sad before. I had hurt and hated myself. But I had a hard time leaving my room for two weeks after you. And even when I could rouse myself from that slumber, I hated every single moment of it. Nothing about my life was the same. Nothing. Yes, the people around me were a constant. But, without you, I couldn't understand anything that happened.

Do you remember that time I played at that open mic night? We climbed that mountain together and we talked, and I showed you how, if you put your key fob between your teeth, you could extend its range? Remember how I could set my car alarm off from hundreds of feet away? I remember how you looked at me that night. I played "Staring at the Sun" by U2. And I played it just for you. And you knew that. But all you cared about was Toad the Wet Sprocket.

There are seven numbers that I remember. I cannot forget them. They are part of me. They are part of my soul. Those seven numbers were the key to everything I cared about. They represented everything I loved. Those seven numbers were you. I used those numbers when I was sad, when I was happy, when I was indifferent, when I needed something, when you needed something, when I just wanted to tell you that that I saw something that reminded me of you. And you used a different set of numbers in the same way--a set of numbers that lead to me.

I took up the profession you left behind. I remember you warning me not to come here. I remember the day I decided what I was going to do. I remember you telling me that I could do this, but telling me that I shouldn't.

I hated you when I first met you. And then I loved you--perhaps more than I've ever loved anyone. I wish I could say that I hate you now. But I don't. I love you. I miss you.

I know what I would do if you were here now. I would tell you that what you did was unacceptable. And then I would hug you. And I would forgive you.

And I hate that about myself. I wish I could forget about you. No. I wish that I could remember you and learn from the things you did.

Sometimes I think I did learn. But I'm afraid that I'm confusing learning for confusion. I'm afraid that you were crazy. I'm afraid that you were crazy and I wasn't smart enough to realize that. I'm afraid that, because you were crazy and I wasn't smart enough to realize it, I'm now using your actions to measure other people. And I'm afraid that that's unfair.

You made a mistake. I want to blame myself. But I can't. You made a mistake. You fucked up. I don't know if you've ever realized that. I bet you haven't. But I guess it doesn't matter. I'm the one that has to live with your mistakes. And that's exactly what I've done.

But I'm through with that. You made the mistake--not me.

I don't know where you are, but I know you'll never read this. And I don't care. Goodbye. Forever.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 3:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Life Sucks Sometimes , Rants

My mother and her family grew up on a ranch in rural Mexico outside of a city called Arteaga in the state of Michoacán. They didn't have running water or electricity, and their house consisted of a few rooms and a dirt floor. After my grandfather died, my mother and her sister came to America to try to find jobs that would allow them to support themselves and the rest of their family.

My mother didn't speak English, had never been outside of her little town, and--I'm sure--was scared out of her mind. I've heard some of the stories about the things my mother and my aunt went through during their first years in this country. Those stories are one of the many reasons that I respect my mother and my aunt above anyone else. I've never been so poor that my dinner consisted of ketchup packets and saltines, and I have no idea what I would do if I were faced with that situation. I know exactly what I wouldn't do, though. I wouldn't succeed. Maybe I'd survive, but I wouldn't thrive. And that's exactly what my family's done: thrive.

Eventually, my mother, my aunt, and their youngest brother, my uncle, all came to this country. In the few short decades between their arrival and today, they have achieved things which, given their meager beginnings, would have seemed completely impossible to them forty years ago. My uncle has managed a very successful business for a long time. He's recently started a foundation that's going to award scholarships to deserving Latino students. My aunt worked at one job for over thirty years and recently retired. She can't live an extravagant life, but she's set, and she can still afford to go to the casino now and then. My mom owned a moderately successful small business for more than a decade. It didn't make us rich. Not even close. Things were rough when I was growing up. And I think they were probably worse than my mom ever let me realize. But things are ok now, I think.

I love my whole family, of course. But I hold that first generation in especially high regard--particularly my mom and my aunt. And particularly my mom. When she was twenty-five years old, she was worried about how she would pay for her next meal. My biggest concern right now is passing some bar exam. That state of affairs is not due to any intelligence or talent on my part--it's due entirely to my mom's hard work. Any measure of success that I might achieve in life is due almost completely to her. My mom has lead an almost entirely selfless life, and that means more to me than I've ever been able to tell her.

It's hard for me to talk about how I feel about this country without thinking about my family. No matter what else this country is, it will always be the country where my ancestors were able to raise themselves out of poverty and ensure their descendants a good future.

I'm writing about all of this today because it's the Fourth of July. My mother and aunt left their country looking for a better life. Going to America was the only practical choice--going south from Mexico was a wash, and they had no way to get to Canada. And I firmly believe that their success, and the success of future generations, is due to their nearly unbelievable ability to persevere, their seemingly limited intelligence, their uncanny ability to adapt, and their unwavering dedication to themselves and their family. But I still think it means something that my family's story is not unique. There are many people who can tell stories very similar to mine. And that's encouraging. Whatever else it may be, America is a place where you can build an entire empire out of nothing but hard work and intelligence. This really is a land of opportunity. I don't know if it's the land of opportunity, and I'm not saying we're the best country in the world. And I'm certainly not saying that we're always right or that we should give the rest of the world the middle finger.

It's easy to be cynical nowadays. And there's certainly many good reasons to be. But we shouldn't lose sight of the fact that there is something to the United States of America that we shouldn't take for granted. We're not perfect by any means. But we're a good people. We want to be, anyway.

We've got a lot of work left to do, but that doesn't mean we haven't already done some.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 2:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Rants

I met some people at the High Noon Saloon last night for Gomeroke. I signed up to do "Livin' on a Prayer," but then started thinking that, given the date, it might be more appropriate to do "Born in the USA." The people I was with convinced me, though, that Bon Jovi was the way to go, so that's what I ended up doing. And I sucked.

Part of the problem was that my vocals weren't coming through at all in the monitors, which meant that I had no way of knowing how my singing was relating to the music. This ended up making the whole thing terrible because I just guessed as to whether I was on key. And I know I was not, but I couldn't do anything about it. I did pretty well on the choruses, but oh well. It was pretty sad, really.

Anyway, happy Fourth of July to everyone. I'll be celebrating by studying for the bar and then watching Live Free or Die Hard later.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 10:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Fun Shit I've Done , Funny Shit

Yesterday was Rhythm and Booms, a day-long celebration of America and awesomeness. Mr. Vice, PH, Mr. Utah, RPM, Bluebunny and I spent the day watching the Madison Mallards get their collective asses handed to them by some team called the LaCrosse Loggers. First off--this is Wisconsin, and there's a brewery in LaCross. The team should be called the "LaCrosse Lagers." But, whatever. The point is that the Loggers embarrassed the Mallards. The final score was 16-7. It was pathetic. In fact, it was so terrible that if you took the Mallards' final score and the total number of errors they committed, it would have barely equaled the Loggers' final score. Pathetic. You know how the pitcher sometimes throws the ball to one of the bases just to keep the runner from stealing the base? And you know how the runner never, ever gets tagged out that way? Well, one of the Mallards runners got tagged out that way. It was ridiculous.

The fact that the day was still in the black in terms of awesomeness is a testament to the company I shared, the food I ate, and the fireworks and music. One of the highlights during the game included the announcer making a Red Dawn reference as military helicopters flew ominously over the field, causing Mr. Utah to pretty much lose his shit.

Right after the game, I saw one of the most American things I've ever seen: four fighter jets flew over the field, afterburners ablaze, into a bevy of fireworks. It was pretty much awesome.

After the game, the fans were allowed to set up their blankets in the outfield to watch the fireworks. I was pretty excited. Fireworks are one of those things that just have never lost their magic for me. I know that they're just glorified firecrackers. I know that the colors are due to the burning of various different salt compounds. I know that it's an almost completely frivolous waste of money. But it's beautiful and, yes, magical. So I was excited. I have to say that this was the best fireworks show I've ever seen. Granted, neither Nogales nor Madison had an extensive fireworks budget, but, still.

The whole schtick with Rhythm and Booms is that it's a fireworks show set to both live (in the form of the Madison Symphony Orchestra) music and recorded music. I have to say that the music went really well with the fireworks, especially during the Beatles "All You Need Is Love," during which the sky was filled with red heart-shaped fireworks. This was the first time I had ever seen fireworks that created shapes, and I was very impressed, especially with the spiral ones.

The grand finale did not disappoint at all. It was just plain awesome.

After the show, we hung out at PH's for a while, then we went our separate ways. It was a bittersweet moment because it was Mr. Utah's last night in town--sort of. I see this turning into one of those "Steven's Last Night in Town" things. Still, it'll be sad not to have him around all the time. He was the first person I met in Madison, and one of my best friends throughout my time here. Mr. Utah--you will be sorely missed. See you next weekend.

Today, we got a (relatively) early start and headed up to Devil's Lake. We spent the day cooking out, lying around, chillin' out, maxin, relaxin' and coolin. We didn't shoot any b-ball, though. It was a perfect day--sunny but cool, breezy but calm. The scenery was beautiful, the food was tasty, the friends were good. We walked around a little, but didn't do anything too strenuous. I didn't get in the water, but I'm told it was very nice.

All in all, this was an amazing weekend. I wish I didn't feel guilty for not doing enough bar studying. But I'll get to that, and it'll be fine.

Man--summer in Madison. Is there anything better?

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 1:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)| Filed under 150 Things to Love About Madison , Existential Nonsense , Fun Shit I've Done , General Awesomeness , Hanging Out With My Friends