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Embracing My Destiny

August 21, 2007 4:03 AM

ecause I don't currently have a job, go to school, or have other responsibilities, I've settled into a pretty ridiculous sedentary lifestyle. Because all of my friends are gone, on extended vacations, or gainfully employed, I haven't really been seeing very many people lately--I only saw four people other than myself today. At first, the transition from being super busy and extremely social to having absolutely nothing to do and no one to do it with was difficult. But I settled into it today--I've accepted my fate. And, goddamnit, if I'm going to be an unemployed bum, I'm going to do it well. Therefore, here are some changes I intend to implement soon:


  1. All-elastic-wasteband wardrobe. If it's got zippers, buttons, or buckles, it's gone. Fuck that--I don't need to impress anyone. The mailman doesn't judge me, and neither do my cats. And even if they do, fuck them--what have they done with their lives? In fact, I'd be surprised if I'm going to wear anything but boxers. I really should stock up on wife-beaters, though.

  2. No working out. This one's not a shocker, but I thought I'd throw it in just to make sure no one thought that my first resolution, which involves basically wearing work-out clothes all the time, meant I'd be doing any working out. I won't be. In fact, I drove about halfway to the gym today and then thought "fuck it" and went to KFC instead.

  3. No more KFC. Don't get me wrong, fried chicken fits into my whole scheme pretty well, but the problem is that KFC doesn't deliver, so I have to leave the apartment to get it. That's a problem, because it cuts into my TV time.

  4. Get a DVR with more capacity. My current DVR can only hold about fifty hours of non-HD content. That number drops to eleven if I want to store high-definition shows. That's simply unacceptable. What I need is something that can record every electromagnetic communication in the general vicinity for my later review. That way, I'll always have an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation to watch.

  5. Find a service that delivers porn. This one's pretty self-explanatory. Oh, wait! The internet! Sweet!

  6. Get faster internet connection. See above.

  7. Stock up on Chef Boyardee and Kraft Easy Mac. I've gotta eat, and I think these top-shelf entrees will do the trick.


God, why didn't I just drop out of school and do this a long time ago? This is awesome. I wonder if you can apply for unemployment benefits over the phone . . . .



10 Comments


Vice said:

I hear the problem with unemployment is that you have to go down to the unemployment office, stand in a line, then talk to someone about finding a job. Beyond that, you'll have to apply places. Of course, you can make sure to only apply to places that you are not technically qualified for (astrophysicist, CEO of large corporations, mime) so you won't get accepted. Or you can apply only to places with 6 or 7 figure salaries. That way if you get a job, you'll have a 6 or 7 figure salary.

August 21, 2007 9:02 AM



kevin lomax said:

Having been on unemployment, I can say that I never once set foot in their offices. Also, with a law degree, I bet most places will disqualify you because you will be overqualified, so aim low. All you'd need to do is fill out some online applications for a few minutes each week. You'll never need to leave the room except to get your mail. Sweet!

August 21, 2007 1:02 PM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Actually, I might not even have to do that if today's any indication. I was startled by a knock on my door at around 1pm. I was startled both because I wasn't expecting anyone and because I was asleep. Anyway, I threw on some elastic-waisted shorts and opened the door. The mailman handed me an envelope containing my diploma. Sweet! And I didn't even have to leave the apartment.

August 21, 2007 1:04 PM



Elise said:

I'm not sure you qualify for unemployment. Don't you have to be laid off from a job first?

August 21, 2007 6:58 PM



dicta said:

it is a good life, except daytime tv gets old. luckily, we have all 3 seasons of arrested development plus season 2 of the office. i can watch either of those endlessly.

August 22, 2007 10:54 AM



TheExpat said:

Don't speak too soon there, Elise. Ismael may not be the laziest friend I've ever had, but I'd bet my wife's left kidney that he could obtain a job, slack for 90 days, get downsized by Venezuelan pygmy tribesmen and get laid off, all from the cozy elasticity of his apartment. This one has the touch, people.

August 22, 2007 10:56 AM



RPM said:

"It gets easier every time," George HW Bush on the Simpsons, coming to terms with collecting unemployment checks.

All I ask is that you support the cats. Won't someone think of the cats!

August 22, 2007 2:28 PM






Dee said:

well, you've thought this all out with admirable thoroughness. but there is a major flaw in your plan, one of timing. your housebound existence is beginning just as the Bob Barker era is ending on Price is Right. without his tiny microphone, i'm not convinced you'll get through the days.

August 22, 2007 8:48 PM



Terry said:

I always wear pants with elastic waistbands unless I have a damned good reason not to. I don't mind dressing up or wearing nice clothes when they are needed, but around the house I see no need to wear a belt, or even for that matter belt loops. People call me a slob, but isn't the entire point of life to make yourself as comfortable as possible?

August 27, 2007 1:55 PM



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