Here is No Why

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New Poll!

August 30, 2007 3:36 AM

t's finally time for a new poll. First, however, the results from the last poll. It turns out that the politician you'd most like to see hit by a sea bass is Hillary Clinton. That's not too much of a surprise. Strangely, however, Bill Richardson came in second. I didn't expect that at all. Why does everyone have to hate on the Mexican?

Second, I have to give the new poll some context. After being gone for several weeks, L-dawg came back this weekend. Mr. Utah was also in town so, needless to say, we drank. At around five o'clock Saturday evening, we decided to go down to the Q for some food. On the way, through my drunkeness, I looked down and saw what can only be described as the most amazing picture ever. Here it is:

It's just . . . unbelievable. I don't have the words to describe how amazing this picture is. The one guy actually got one of those tuxedo t-shirts. I didn't even know those really existed. See the hole in number 2's chest? It's a fucking bullet hole! So, these idiots got dressed up, posed for this picture, and framed it. Then, it somehow got shot and ended up on the sidewalk in a pile of trash. All I can say is that it's amazing.

So, of course, your task now is to decide which one's the biggest douchebag. I'm voting for number 4. From the cowboy hat to the sleeveless button-up shirt, the guy's a grade-AAA douche. What do you think?

7 Comments

Vice said:

Huh. I struggled with this decision, honestly. First of all, I don't think this is the most amazing picture ever. I think the last picture we voted on far outstrips this one, actually. Those douchebags were the real thing; these seem to just be wanna-be's. Notice the lack of greasy hair, the lack of popped collars, and the lack of man-cleavage, all staples of douchedom. For instance, the guy in the middle (4), is pretty much just a hick who tried to look like a douche and failed. I mean, sure, the glasses are terrible, and he may seem like a douche in hick's clothing, but I think he's actually all hick.

Ultimately, I kind of think they might all be hicks playing dress up. The outfits aren't actual clothes they wear out in public (like in the Original Douche picture) -- these are just outfits they get their pictures taken in as a joke. I mean seriously, the tuxedo shirt? That guy's a hick. He's got a shaved head. He's straight off the farm. Look at the glasses number 3 is wearing. Those were the toy surprise in a cereal box. He didn't buy those, I guarantee it. Which leads me to believe that everything is staged, including the guys wearing pink shirts.

Still, of course, the fact that they went to this trouble incidates some level of douchery. (I won't say extreme douchery, because I believe you, Mr. Ismael, suggested that we get our pictures taken in a similar fashion. To mock them, of course, but perhaps they were mocking others...) So I was going to cast my vote, despite my initial objections. And I was going to vote for number 4, because he seemed like he would be the most intolerable of the five.

However, due to my inability to read numbers, I voted for number 2.

August 30, 2007 10:12 AM

Dee said:

well, i am able to read numbers AND people and i voted for #2 (on purpose, yes). you two gents have done a fine job cataloging the sartorial offenses in this photo, so i will only point out that #2 is wearing (what appear to be)his actual clothes--or at least sunglasses. i really hate his hair and come on, someone SHOT HIM IN EFFIGY. obviously, someone out there who knows him better than me, hated him enough to put a slug in a representation of his belly. case closed!

August 30, 2007 10:40 AM

Anonymouse said:

This should really come down to either #3 or #5. What kind of person would actually pose in that position, wearing a shitty pink shirt, with stupid oversize sunglasses, and with their coat flung over their shoulder like it's nineteen-fucking-eighty-five? In my opinion, the winner really should be number five. Not only is he in the pink with the jacket flung, but it's a white jacket, which means that he thinks he's some kind of Don Johnson. Of course, we all know that #5 is no Don Johnson. Hell, he couldn't even be as cool as the lamer Nash Bridges Don Johnson. Thus, I think #5 should be deemed the biggest B.O'D (that's Bag O'Douche for those of you who aren't familiar with the Irish dialect).

August 30, 2007 12:42 PM

Rodimus Prime said:

For guys who LOVE to drop the douchebag label on people, I thought you guys would see the hilarity in having a professional portrait taken while dressed as douchebags. It's not even comparable to the other picture that was full of actual douchebags. It's a joke! They were cones!

August 30, 2007 12:57 PM

NT Is All In said:

The only thing that would make this picture complete is to have a sixth member of the picture, namely the guy pictured on your web page wearing a top hat. I would absolutely vote for the new member. Honestly, tell me that your picture with the top hat wouldn't fit in like a foot into a shoe, assuming the right size of course. You need a new picture, cuz.

August 31, 2007 4:18 PM

Ismael Tapia II said:

Mr. Vice and Mr. Prime,
You're probably right that this isn't better than the last picture, but there's definitely more effort at work here. And, while Mr. Prime is correct to point out that I'd normally appreciate people mocking douchebags, I don't think that these guys are as antidouche as you seem to believe. I just don't get the sense that they put this picture up and thought "oh man, we're really showing those douchebags!" Rather, I think they knew it was ridiculous, but I think that they only exaggerated their own latent proclivities. In other words, I think these guys really are douchebags that decided to go as far with it as possible. That alone is enough to warrant the poll, I think.

They might also be hicks, but since when do you have to be either a hick or a douchebag? I think it's perfectly possible to be both. The problem is that we're just more familiar with the far more common douche species, fratboyious doucheinious. But the frat boys' rural cousin, redneckithine doucheinious, is still a douchebag. Beach cats don't stop being cats just because they live on the beach, afterall.

Mr. All In,
Thanks for the kind words. And congratulations on your engagement.

August 31, 2007 6:05 PM

TheExpat said:

Mr. Tapia, I have an alternate tree lineage that separates the redneck and the douchebag into two separate genera. Instead of explaining why, I will instead point out the features which distinguish four of the contestants as rednecks, leaving only one member with only a slight douchebag inclination.

#1 is a redneck, as all I'm sure can agree. His choice of garment, the tuxedo shirt, clearly denotes the deviation from the douche genus. Also note the aviator glasses and shaved head, coupled with a refusal to smile or mug for the photo. He believes that his outfit speaks for him, possibly saying, "I fucking hate pictures," or, "Go ahead. Make fun of the shirt. I dare you." While the latter communication is a trait common to the douche as well, the douche won't really kick your ass. Instead, he will push you around a little before his 'bros' come along and pull him away from the fight.

#2 is also a redneck. Don't let his supposed sense of fashion and grooming not fool you. If you look closely, you will see that the coat does not acually fit him, but sags a little in the front. He also appears to be the youngest of the bunch, but his facial features (narrow face, wide-splayed ears) clearly denote a love for dirt bikes and recreational shooting that goes deeper than the occasional hobbyist.

#3? Redneck. I know, it seems almost impossible. However, a real douch would not be caught dead in those cheap ass $5 sunglasses with the thick baby blue sides. This man clearly thinks the whole exercise a joke and really would rather be out spreading the teachings of Joseph Smith from a 10-speed.

Do I really need to explain #4?

The only specimen in the above selection with any douchebag tendencies (latent or otherwise) is #5. Note the telling 'douchbag face', as mentioned by Mr. Anonymouse. This particular subject clearly believes he is cooler than he really is. Note how at ease he is with the jacket over his shoulder. Such a natural bearing of douchebaggery is absent from the posture of his compatriots.

However, note his pale complexion. He does not seem to embrace #4 as #3 does. Perhaps he is motivated by embarrassment? Shame? Furthermore, and going further than Mr. Mouse's Nash Bridges/Don Johnson theory, I posit that the whole photo-taking exercise was either initiated by #5, or taken far more seriously by him than the others at the outset.

So, without further examination of the photo, I can state with clarity that the biggest douche in the sample is none other than #5. Where his friends seem to say, "huh huh, weez all purdied up! Ahyuck!" he seems to say, "Uh, dudes? Why didn't you all go to J. Crew like I said?"

September 1, 2007 12:09 AM