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Psych!

September 5, 2007 3:45 AM

enator Larry Craig is one hell of a practical joker. In the past few months, he's successfully punk'd America no fewer than three times. First, according to the police report, Senator Craig--obviously seeking to bring some entertainment into the life of an undercover agent relegated to airport toilet duty (what the fuck do you have to do to end up assigned to sit in an airport toilet stall waiting for someone to proposition you for anal sex, anyway?)--decided to humor the poor schmuck and, through the use of Bond-like signals such as "tapping your right foot" and "sticking your fingers in the other guy's stall," indicate that he was up for pretty much anything as long as it involved penises and lube. The undercover officer, no doubt both flattered and amused, proceeded to identify himself to Senator Craig. "Psych!" screamed the Senator. But the police officer, who apparently has the sense of humor of a dead goldfish, arrested him anyway.

That was just fine as far as Senator Craig was concerned--it just allowed him to set up his next awesome prank. See, having been previously accused of being gay and of engaging in various inappropriate sexual relationships with men, the Senator knew that what would really kill the guys back in the Senate was if he plead guilty to the charges of lewd conduct and whatnot. He no doubt thought that what would make the whole thing perfect was that pleading guilty to something means admitting that you did exactly what you're accused of. "This is going to be better than the time I put that whoopee cushion in Strom Thurmond's chair," he thought. Sure enough, the media ate that shit up, and Senator Craig got us good when he got up there and said "psych!" Yeah, he plead guilty, he admitted he did it, but he hadn't really done it! Hilarious!

But his next move was nothing short of pure comic gold. Those fuckers in the Republican Party wanted to get him back for burning them so bad, so they insisted that he resign. "Fuck it," he thought, "if they want me to resign, I'll fucking resign." His staffers probably wondered why he used air quotes when he said "resign," but, after working for him for years, they knew better than to try and stop him when he was in the middle of one of his crazy schemes. They were shocked when, a few days later, he actually did resign. They had never expected that.

America had already started to forget about old Larry and his resignation when--out of nowhere--he got in front of a microphone and screamed, at the top of his lungs, "Psych! I'm not fucking resigning! I got all of you! God, you guys should have seen the looks on your faces--priceless!"

Yeah, the man's a comic genius. Either that or he's one of the most monumentally stupid public servants we've ever had. He'd have to be not to understand the no-takeback nature of fucking guilty pleas and resignations.

God, I hope he's laughing really hard somewhere.



6 Comments


jbob said:

I vote for stupid.

September 5, 2007 8:05 AM



TheExpat said:

The ability of Republican line-stepper-outers like Craig and administration lunatics like Gonzales (I know he finally did resign, but sheesh) to flaunt their refusal to cooperate for so long in the midst of anti-gay and anti-Bush sentiment only proves something I've known for a long time: Most Americans, of any political stripe, are lazy and fear change.

Also, anti-gay and anti-Bush are near-diametric opposites, in more ways than one if you're a man.

September 5, 2007 9:45 AM



frank x. said:

This was one of your best posts. Clever and funny, with just the right amount of homo eroticism...

September 5, 2007 10:26 AM



Utah said:

Man, as someone who has actually taken a crap at the Minnesota airport, I have to wonder if all those guys sticking their hands under the stall weren't gesturing for something other than toilet paper.

Now let's talk about undercover police assignments. Johnny Utah assigned to infiltrate a gang of surfer/bank robbers: Awesome. Brian O'Connor assigned to befriend street racer/truck hijacker Dominic Turetto: Awesome. Shane Wolf (Vin Diesel) assigned to guard and babysit three children after their scientist father was murdered: Slightly less awesome. Bathroom duty at the airport, prowling for gay guys: I haven't seen that movie yet, but I imagine it stars Freddy Prinze Jr. and one of the Wayans brothers.

September 6, 2007 8:09 PM



Janisa said:

Information is power and now I’m a !@#$ing dcitotar.

July 9, 2011 11:52 PM






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