"I Miss Everything I'll Never Be."

November 28, 2007 5:50 AM

remember one night when I was fourteen I was lying in bed and just sort of thinking about the future. I remember thinking that I'd be able to drive in two years, and that it seemed both like it was very far away and just around the corner. And I remember that when I was seventeen, driving around in my '65 Mustang, I remembered thinking about driving that night when I was fourteen. And I thought about it, and those years just seemed like they had gone by instantaneously.

Now I'm twenty-six, and I can't fucking believe where I am. One time in college, we rented Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil because we liked John Cusack and Kevin Spacey. The movie was bad in a way I can't even describe. I think we actually stopped watching it in the middle. Still, there's this scene where Kevin Spacey says "I'm what they call 'nouveau riche,' but then, it's only the 'riche' that counts." I think my situation can be summed up like this: "I'm what they call an 'unemployed attorney,' but then, it's only the 'unemployed' that counts."

I don't think this is the worst I've ever felt. That period during my freshmen year of college during which I was homeless was probably worse. And then there were all the attempted suicides. Not my attempted suicides, mind you, but having your friends--or even people you vaguely tolerate--try to kill themselves is stressful, too. The strange thing with that period is that, when I think back to it, it almost feels like it wasn't me that was living my life. That period was so fucking stressful, now that I think about it.

I had moved in with my best friends from high school, Tony and Eric, and Tony's sister, Ana. As it turns out, Ana hated me--a lot. No matter what I did, she was always, constantly pissed at me. I had never lived with other people, and I had no idea how to deal with it. And I was under the mistaken impression that Tony and Eric were, if not on my side, then at least uncomfortable with the situation as well. What's worse, Ana somehow managed to convince me that I was always wrong about everything. I couldn't stand up to her for some reason.

I remember everyone I lived with told me that we couldn't use the internet for weeks because there was something wrong with our phone line. Later, I found out that my roommates had lied to me because they didn't want me using the internet, even though the computers in their rooms had been hooked up for weeks. I came to hate that apartment. I hated being there. I hated being around those people. I was always uncomfortable and anxious there. I had a place where I kept my stuff, but I didn't have a home. Living there was hell. But as much as all of that sucked, it turns out that the only thing that was worse was not living there, which is exactly what ended up happening.

I don't know all the details about what happened. I know that Ana and the apartment manager were friends. I know that she wanted me the hell out of there. I know that she had Tony and Eric completely under her control. And that they both wanted me gone, too, because they wanted someone else to move in. I also knew that, no matter what I wanted to believe, neither one of them would have my back. Claiming that I had been solely responsible for three separate noise violations, Ana told me that either I moved out or all of us would be evicted. I asked for an example of the noise violations, and Ana told me that one of them involved me playing my guitar. That was fair, except that the instance she mentioned involved not just me, but both of my other roommates and other guests. It wasn't just me. Still, I agreed to move out.

When I signed the papers releasing me from the lease, both Tony and Eric gave me these looks that I've always suspected meant they were somehow involved with what was happening. Or everything they said could have been true. I don't know.

I lived on my friend's dorm-room floor for a while, until my mom saved the day.

And things sort of went downhill from there for a long time. Tony and Eric immediately got a new roommate, someone from my childhood that I had introduced them to. It was pretty clear that I had been replaced in our little high-school trio, which was fine. Then things got really, really bad and I reacted, well, really well. A lot of us did, I think. Well, at least two of us did. I know it's stupid and cliche, but that whole experience taught me what real friends are all about. And, when it was over, I think I was a better, stronger person. I've never let myself get pushed around the way Ana pushed me around again--I don't think I was nearly as assertive before the whole thing as I was after. I've also become much more selective about who I call my friend.

I don't know why I'm writing about all of that. I hadn't thought about it for a long time. I guess it's because that was the last time I can remember feeling as lost as I do right now. But I guess I'm also thinking about that time because it was the hardest stuff seventeen-year-old me had ever had to deal with. And I got through. I guess it reminds me that I'll get through this, too.

I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

6 Comments

bff said:

>>The strange thing with that period is that, when I think back to it, it almost feels like it wasn't me that was living my life.

Its an odd feeling to be sure. Been there.

I don't know when it will get better for you, but I beleive that it will.

Thinking positive thoughts for you,

November 28, 2007 7:36 AM

Ismael Tapia II said:

Thanks for the kind words, BFF.

November 28, 2007 5:49 PM

Lily said:

I never understand how some people can have living arrangements that go bad and not feel shattered and incapable of ever forgiving that person. I felt so shook up and vulnerable the whole time I was looking for a place to live. I'm sorry you've had a similar experience, however distant it may be.

Hang in there for the time being. I don't have any advice, but I'm definitely rooting for you.

November 29, 2007 10:52 PM

TheExpat said:

You'll get a job soon enough. You're too smart and too good at arguing not too.

I've vowed never to have roommates again, but my living arrangements have never been so bad as what you just described. What a bunch of babies your friends were, good damn thing you didn't keep living with them.

November 29, 2007 11:14 PM

Kristen said:

Hi Ismael,

I am going through a similar situation in DC. Life is pretty hard right now. We'll both get through it. I mean, shit, we know people in the clink. That means we're tough. And being in prison would be worse.

Maybe.

I have lost touch with "my law school friends" but always thought you were alright. Feel free to get in touch with me. You are certainly not alone in your aimlessness!

K

December 6, 2007 2:46 PM

Ismael Tapia II said:

Hey, Kristen,
I've taken the liberty of correcting the spelling of my name. Please try to get it right in the future. :)

In any event, I'm sorry that you're going through the same shit in DC. At least you had the guts to move to your city, though. I want to be in Chicago, but I'm still living in Madison. That's a good thing, ultimately, because I'd starve in Chicago.

Being in prison would definitely be worse. Remember the cells at Waupun? Yeah, my apartment is definitely better.

I'm glad to hear you thought I was "alright." I'm sorry, though, that you lost touch with your friends from law school. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I don't know how much of a loss that was.

I've heard there are a lot of people in our positions: a few months ago, a certain head of career services said it could be as high as 50 to 60 percent. That's fucking ludicrous, but there it is. Something will work out eventually. Maybe.

December 7, 2007 2:04 AM

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