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You Probably Don't Measure Up

November 17, 2007 2:09 AM

lthough I have no evidence to support this conclusion, I'm fairly certain that there are a large number of female readers of this blog that want me. Like, sexually. While I'd love nothing more than to satisfy you all in some sort of huge orgy scenario, I'm really pretty much into monagamy. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to post some of the things I must and must not have in a woman. If this is you, then you win. If not, then please try to move on with your life and know that someday, somewhere, you'll meet someone that will help you get over me, even though you'll never be able to forget me.

  1. You have to hate people. Nothing confuses me more than when people say that they don't hate anyone or that they're incapable of hate. I just don't understand that--I hate lots of people. I mean, ok, maybe it comes down to your definition of hate. I say I hate people, but I don't mean that I want to see them dead. I don't mean that I want to see them tortured. I don't want people they love to die or anything like that. I hate people, but I still think the people I hate have the same moral rights as people I don't hate. So, if that's what you think about when you say that you don't hate anyone, then I don't hate anyone, either. But there are people I think are entirely without redeeming qualities, other than that they're human beings. Those people I hate. And if you can't say that there are people you'd love to see fail, then you and I just aren't going to work out.
  2. You have to like music that doesn't suck.Everyone has some songs on their iTunes or some CDs on their shelf that they aren't proud of. I'll admit right now that I've got a few N'sync songs on my computer ("Bye, Bye, Bye" kicks ass. There, I said it.). And people might even have completely different taste than me--that's cool, too. I don't really like hip-hop, but if you're really into Outkast, that's cool. I'm not really into electronic music, but if DJ Shadow floats your boat, cool. I don't really care for jazz or blues, but if you love B.B. King, that's fine. I don't like country. And you shouldn't, either. I'm not saying that fifteen of your top twenty-five songs have to be by The Smashing Pumpkins or anything like that, but if you think that Nickelback has made really good, touching music, then you and I just aren't going to work out.
  3. You have to be able to have intelligent conversations about politics, philosophy, and maybe even science. I'm not saying I can have intelligent conversations about those things, but I'd like someone who can. Girls who are smarter than me have always turned me on. It would be so awesome to be up late one night talking about how stupid the Democrats have been this election season, how ridiculous the pseudophilosopy in The Matrix was, or how awesome retrograde motion's part in the development of the heliocentric theory of the solar system was. I'll do anything you're into sexually--even if I'm not into it--if you have a degree in physics. My friends once drove me insane by telling me that Jessica Alba went to MIT--how could someone that hot exist? You don't have to understand quantum physics, but if you're not at least curious, then you and I just aren't going to work out.
  4. You have to at least tolerate the fact that I'm a huge, huge dork. I mean, yeah, I'm a dork. I've got a picture of Yoda up on my wall, for fuck's sake. I'd love it if you'd sit around and play video games with me or go to a midnight showing of the new Harry Potter movie. But that's probably asking too much. You don't have to know that there are two different versions of Supergirl (one of which is Superman's cousin Kara Zor-El and the other of which was created by Lex Luthor), that Wookiees come from the planet Kashyyyk, or that the day that Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas met Gandalf the White in Fangorn Forest for the first time was Aragorn's eighty-eighth birthday, but if you refuse to read any Harry Potter books, then you and I just aren't going to work out.
  5. You have to weigh less than I do. I don't think this is really asking too much, given my weight. And, while it could be called a superficial requirement, I really don't think it's that bad. I mean, I'm not saying your measurements have to be 34-23-34 or anything like that. But if you're 5'9" and weigh 400 pounds, then you and I just aren't going to work out.

I'm sorry if I've disappointed any of you, ladies, but that's just the way it's gotta be.



8 Comments


BFF said:

Glad to see watching Heroes isn't a prerequisite. Not that I have anything against the show, I just haven't watched. Probably catch up in DVDs sometime cuz you have pretty good taste in dorky stuff.

Anyway, I totally measure up!

Too bad I'm already married.

November 17, 2007 8:08 AM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Yeah, you do measure up! But you're right--you're married. And you've got a kid. So maybe that's an implied condition: if you're married with children, then you and I just aren't going to work out.

You should totally check out Heroes. Like all shows, it ebbs and flows, but it's overall pretty good.

November 19, 2007 1:30 AM



frank x. said:

You just described me, except for the female part. I find it interesting though, that you basically want to be with a female version of me. I'm not saying I'm not flattered, maybe even a bit curious even, but alas, I'm married, and it cannot be. I am pretty good at quantum physics though...

November 19, 2007 9:25 AM






dani said:

I can't stand morons, I like GOOD music, I aced physics and plan to teach it someday, I know you are a dork, I love sci-fi and reading, and I weigh less than 400lbs...but I too am married with children.
I am however curious if you can still hit 17 in a day now that you aren't 14.

July 29, 2008 12:05 AM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Dani,
You've always measured up. Well, that might not be technically true: you wouldn't say that the thing that defines the meter "measured up" to being a meter, would you?

As for your other question, I doubt it. But I think I could get close.

July 29, 2008 9:42 PM



dani said:

If I am correctly reading between the lines then I can answer that it is far from a meter.

I think you should spend a weekend trying to "beat" your own record.

July 31, 2008 1:08 PM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Reading between the lines? I'm confused...

I could do that. But I won't. At least not consciously.

August 1, 2008 12:11 AM



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