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Advice!

January 16, 2008 4:08 AM

fucking love Savage Love. There's something infinitely entertaining about reading letters in which people reveal how fucked up their lives are. It's also sort of interesting to see how stupid people are. I mean, how much sense does it take to know you've gotta leave someone even if they're really nice to you between the beatings?

Unfortunately, Dan's latest columns have been kind of lame. I mean, why did he decide to field the question by the girl who felt strange about wearing panties with Disney princesses on them? Not only is that hot in itself, most of the Disney princesses were pretty hot, too. I mean, Ariel, anyone? Hot.

His last entry, in which he reprinted questions he had no idea how to respond to, was a little better. And it provides some good blogging fodder, I think. So, I'm going to take a shot at answering some of the questions Dan Savage himself shied away from.

The first question:

I'm a gay man living in San Francisco. There are a couple of guys I'm into. Like an actual couple. I've messed around with each of them separately, and in both cases I was told to keep it hush-hush because the other didn't know that he was being messed around on. My problem is not about their dishonesty or any of that bullshit. It's none of my business. What I really want to know is this: How can I get them both in the sack at the same time?

Trying To Double Down

TTDD, you are a slut and a terrible friend. That's fine, though, because what you really care about is making this threesome happen. You obviously do not care about your friends or their relationship--if you did, you wouldn't have been the "other man" for both of them separately. So, if what you really want is some sort of three-way action, what you need to do is lay that shit on the line--I mean, you don't even have to tell them you've fooled around with each of them, just say you want them both. If they agree and somehow find out that you've been with them each before ("What the fuck do you mean you can't wait to taste him again?!"), then you've ruined their relationship and your friendship with each of them. But it's pretty clear that none of those things are very valuable, so fuck it. The upshot for you is that you get all the cock you want. Although I have no idea what you'd do with that.

Second question:

I am a gay man who has been in a relationship with my partner for nine years. My lover has always planned on undergoing a sex change, from male to female. There were money and health problems, but he's ready now. I've always told him that I love him, no matter what. Now he's gotten his breast implants and I have to admit I am completely weirded out by them. I feel like a hypocrite, but I don't know what to do! I've never been with a woman, and I don't want to be with one now. I also love my partner intensely. Any advice? I feel like a jerk! Support him for nine years and then peace out because of boobs?

Hating Myself And His Breasts

HMAHB--first of all, that's a really shitty anonymous name to give yourself. I mean, it doesn't spell out anything. HMAHB? What the fuck is that? How does that succinctly and ironically summarize your dilemma? It doesn't. So both you and your question suck. But I'll answer it anyway.

I'm a dude. I'm into chicks. I like boobies. I do not enjoy cocks. So if I was dating a chick--hell, if I had been married to a woman for twenty years and we had four kids together--and she came home with a cock, that'd be all she wrote. There wouldn't be any fancy "supporting" or "understanding" or "talking." I'd tell her to get her and her artificial man parts the fuck out of my house.

Your situation is a little different, though. You knew your boyfriend wanted to be a woman--god, it feels so wrong to even write that--for a long time and supported him. You never told him that would make you feel icky. That proves that you're a passive-aggressive pansy, and you should learn not to be that way in future relationships. Still, none of that changes the fact that you're not into tits. And, I assume, you have an aversion to vaginas. If that's the case, then you should probably kick this person to the curb.

Also, have you not seen that episode of South Park? We as a society figured out how to deal with this exact situation a long time ago, which is disturbing in and of itself, but also serves to answer your question.

Third question:

I'm 23, straight, and female. I have a fairly ravenous sexual appetite, and particularly enjoy administering oral sex to my lucky lovers. Unfortunately, I've happened upon (what seems to be) a unique dilemma. An hour or so after swallowing particular loads, I get intense stomachaches, quickly transitioning into intense diarrhea. This only occurs with maybe one in five men, and seems to be particular to the individual (i.e., if a man's loads give me the shits, they always give me the shits; if a man's loads don't give me the shits, they never give me the shits).

This has never really been too much of a problem for me in the past--I just didn't call guys back when it occurred--but I have started dating a one-in-fiver who is witty, great in the sack, and gorgeous, and I want to keep seeing him. So I have a few questions for you: (1) Does this happen to anyone else? (2) Is it me or is there something wrong with some guys' semen? (3) Is there any remedy, besides spitting?

Blowing Judiciously

First off, I want to thank you for your name. Your initials, BJ, clearly convey the message that your question has something to do with blow jobs. That makes my job easier. Now, your question.

Are you some sort of idiot? Or have you suffered some sort of severe childhood trauma? Because here's what I don't get: in your mind, you apparently have two choices. You could 1) keep swallowing this guy's semen, but have to deal with the shits, or 2) break up with him.

Now, the basis of your question--whether some men's ejaculate interacts with some women's digestive systems in such a way as to cause diarrhea--is interesting on some medical level. But it has abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do with your problem. You like the guy, you like blowing him, but swallowing makes your ass explode, so STOP FUCKING SWALLOWING! Are you starving? Have you literally had no nutrition in weeks? Are you a vegetarian with a severe protein deficiency? Are you unsure of what else to do with the mess? No? Then why the fuck are you compelled to ingest that shit? Your question is like saying "Ugh. I really sort of like my baby, but he's in all this dirty water now, and I don't know how to separate him from it. Except for washing him and drying him off--but that would never work! I guess I'll just have to throw the whole thing out. Too bad--I was really starting to like the little guy."

This is why I think you've suffered some sort of trauma and need therapy. Swallowing semen is great--or so I've heard--but it's just one sexual practice among many, right? There are still many, many things you enjoy about sex with this guy? And you can still blow him, you just have to spit, right? And, anyway, there's hopefully more to this whole thing, since you want to stay with him for a while, than just you swallowing. There are feelings or something, right? Because if there weren't, you'd just find someone else to blow, right? But for you, if you can't swallow, there's no relationship? That's some fucked-up shit right there, honey.

So there you go--I've successfully helped three people figure out what to do with themselves. I'm awesome. So I'm offering my services to you. If any of you need advice on anything, e-mail me and I'll post your question and my response. And I'll maintain your anonymity. Make it about whatever you want. I can handle the big shit. And, besides, I probably know how to run your life better than you do.

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