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My Political Strategy
January 9, 2008 3:35 AM
ere's what I would do if I was Hillary Clinton. I'd call up Barack Obama and this is what I'd say:
Look, dude, let's do this. You drop out of the race. Then, when I win the nomination--and I will. I mean, c'mon, Richardson is a joke. And did you even know that Kucinich was still running? I know, isn't that crazy? Anyway, I mean, there's Edwards, but he's just such a huge tool... Anyway, you drop out of the race. Then, when I win the nomination, I promise to make you my running mate. That way, look, we save literally millions of dollars fighting against other Democrats. That's money we can use later to wipe the floor with whoever the Republicans pick. I know what you're thinking--you want to be president. I know, I get it, I do, too. But look--you're my VP for eight years, right? When I'm getting ready to leave office, you are my heir apparent! You're right fucking there to pick up where I left off! And here's the best part: You know how people--myself included--are being all harsh on you for not having any so-called "experience"? After eight years as VP, you can tell those fucks to suck themselves off! Do you see what I'm saying? Because you and I both know that the Republicans are going to hit you hard on your experience. They're going to say you can't stop terrorists or whatever the fuck! And what are you going to respond with? Are you going to cry? That's not going to help because the voters don't want a sissy-pants crier in the Oval Office--unless that sissy-pants crier is a woman, apparently. But they won't be able to knock your foreign-policy experience in 2016, fucking will they? No, they won't. So how 'bout it, Bammy, whataya say?And If I was Barack Obama, I'd be all over that fucking deal. Because, seriously, this whole primary thing is a debacle. The Republican ticket is wide the fuck open, but there's no fucking way that the Democrats' ticket isn't going to have both Obama and Clinton on it in one order or another.
This is why I should be in charge of things. Although, if I was in charge, I guess there wouldn't be a presidential election, since I'd be dictator for life. But, whatever.


13 Comments















A) Don't be so sure that conversation didn't happen months ago. And don't be so sure he didn't turn the beeyatch down flat.
B) Americans vote for tall white guys with nice hair. As much as I think he's the biggest tool in this race, and boy is that saying something, I think Edwards is going to be on the ticket. Not sure with which one, or neither. But I see Edwards/Obama before Clinton/Obama.
i totally agree that would be the smartest thing to do. which is why it won't happen. i officially changed my registration to independent after the debacle that was the 04 democratic primary race. so much dirty nasty EXPENSIVE infighting when the chance to oust a man who will almost certainly be known as the worst US president in history (even of the future!)was at stake. and when the dust finally settled, those midwestern dumbshits chose john "i have actually been dead since 1994" kerry? UGH. so i won't be at all surprised when richardson gets the nom and loses in the end. we might as well inaugurate huckabee today.
Do you really think Hillary would accept the veep job? Somehow I don't think she'd do it. She'll not leave the Senate for that one. Whoever wins the nomination over her wouldn't want her either because they know she'd never sit back and let the President enjoy all the glory/power. She had enough of that when Bill was in the Whitehouse.
Quoth Chris Rock, on SNL: "Now as you know, there's been alot of talk about a black vice president. And I just wanna tell the world that it'll never happen. As long as you live you will never see a black vice president, you know why? Because some black guy would just kill the president. I'd do it. If Colin Powell was vice president, I'd kill the president and tell his mother about it. What would happen to me? What would they do? Put me in jail with a bunch of black guys that would treat me like a king for the rest of my life?"
Bad idea, genius. First, by most accounts, they hate one another. Second, only four Vice Presidents have actually been elected to the office of President (and only once in the 20th century.) His odds of being elected the Preisdent after 8 years of Billary would be less than 1 in 10. If O was smart, he would cut a deal w/ Edwards to get him to drop out and throw his support to Obama.
Signed,
John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Martin Van Buren and George H.W. Bush
Let's face it, the only black man with a viable chance of winning the Presidency is Carl Weathers. Afterall, he was in Predator, which gives him an automatic edge in the Governor's race, which seems to be the stepping stone to the Presidency. I'd also cast my vote for Sam Jackson, mainly to rid the motherfucking oval office of snakes. Political snakes.
As for Hillary, I just can't do it. She has the eyes of every giant bitch I've ever despised and I just don't trust her. Like it or not, alot of people seem to agree with me. In the end, I plan on doing what I did last election, cast my vote for whoever Dave Grohl tells me to.
As for the Republican ticket, I feel kind of cheated...while limbering my voting hand up with some minor pimp-slap calisthenics, I misread the nominations and assumed I would be voting for John McClane, whom I would trust singlehandedly to protect our nation from terrorists and set a sensible tariff policy on top of that.
Apparently Martin Van Buren has never heard of Richard Nixon.
Alex: Thank you for the comments. I have indeed heard of Richard Milhous Nixon, and would have voted for him were I not dead. I stand ever so slightly corrected. He wasn't a sitting vice president when he was elected (which was the point of the original post.) He served as veep from '53 to '61. He wasn't elected until '68. Nevertheless, the point remains: Vice Presidents have a very difficult time getting elected to the Oval Office.
Yours Truly,
Martin Van Buren, your 8th President.
Mr. Van Buren and Alex,
According to Wikipedia--which is my go-to source for pretty much everything--fourteen Vice Presidents have gone on to become President. Of those, nine did so by succeeding to the presidency. Of those nine, Teddy Roosevelt, Calvin Coolidge, Harry Truman, and Lyndon Johnson were all elected to the presidency in their own rights after serving out the term of the President they replaced. I would note that all of those were in the twentieth century. You are correct, Mr. Van Buren, to note that only four sitting VPs have been directly elected President. I take it, Alex, that Mr. Van Buren purposely omitted Richard Nixon, who had not been VP for some time when he was elected President.
So, all told, nine VPs have been elected to the presidency at some point after serving as VP. Given that there have been forty-six VPs, that gives a VP about a 20 percent chance of being elected some day. For comparison, only two U.S. Senators have been elected directly to the presidency: Kennedy and Harding. So Obama, historically speaking, would have a better chance of becoming President via the Vice Presidency than through the Senate.
All of this is besides the point, though. All I really meant was that the nomination process takes up a hell of a lot of resources in a fight between very like-minded candidates that, I think, would be better spent on the general election. The candidates should just be big enough to do what's best for the party and the country--rather than what's best for themselves--and just decide which one's got the best chance of beating whoever the Republicans nominate. That was my point.
I hadn't heard that Obama and Clinton hate each other. And I'm intrigued by the suggestions that Edwards will definitely be on the ticket. Frankly, I had written him off. But he could very well be, as you said, Butterflyfish, the familiar center that makes the Obama or Clinton candidacy palatable to, well, racists and sexists.
I guess we'll see.
Now that this matter has been settled, I will go back to my grave where I belong.
God Bless America,
Martin Van Buren, your 8th President.
Ismael: Actually, your point is not quite correct. Obama would not have a better chance of becoming President via the Vice Presidency versus the Senate because he would presumably ascend to the VP spot as HRC's veep. But, because HRC is a member of the Senate, her chances, if history is to be a guide, are every bit as slim as other senators seeking the office (see your comment above re: Kennedy and Harding). Therefore, neither of them have a decent shot! Admittedly, it's a minor point. Keep up the good work--love the political blog posts.
All I meant was that, assuming Ms. Clinton became President and Mr. Obama became Vice President, Mr. Obama would then have a better chance of becoming President as compared to his current situation: that of a senator running for the presidency.
i guess i could wikki it myself but do you know how many of the 46 VP's actually ran for president? might change the probability...keep up the political stuff...i need it all isolated here in frenchlandia