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Of Repression and Butt Babies

January 27, 2008 3:38 PM

pparently, the FCC, those minions of repression and near fascism, have decided to fine ABC almost $1.5 million after it showed a naked female butt during prime time. There are a couple of things I'd like to say here.

First of all, our society really needs to get its head out of its ass. Everyone has butts, just like some people have tits and vaginas and other people have cocks. It's not the fucking end of the world, and it's a stupid attitude to decide that all nudity is inherently offensive or sexual or whatever. I mean, seriously. Why do we have to cater to the people with the most delicate sensibilities on what are supposed to be public airwaves? I mean, what do these people think is going to happen if we allow TV shows to display a fucking butt? Or if some woman's nipple makes an unexpected appearance during a sporting event? There simply is no reason why mature adults should decide that female nipples are offensive, male nipples are cool, and genitalia is all-around evil. And don't give me that shit about how it's just our culture and our mores and shit. All of that is complete nonsense--we should be reasonable and independent enough to constantly reevaluate our cultural values and throw out the ones that are, in the case of sexual repression, outdated and entirely without rational justification.

Second, we have a ratings system for TV. And all the networks participate. So this "offensive" show announced the fact that it might contain offensive material. If you're a parent that is concerned that your pure, innocent child, who has never even conceived of a female posterior, might have his delicate young mind warped by the blatant--if brief--representation of a butt, then you're entitled to know that what you're considering watching might have some naked rear end in it. And that's exactly what ratings systems do--they inform potential viewers, who can then make an educated choice about what they and their children will watch. If some parent wants their kids to grow up to be afraid of naked people, then that's fine. And we should do everything we can to make sure that parents can make informed decisions about what they allow their kids to watch. But beyond that, fuck it. There are always going to be kids that watch something their parents don't want them to and parents that are less than attentive. But it's not the government's responsibility to step in and fill that gap. Otherwise, they might as well start telling us which songs are OK to sing to kids and how many hugs per week a child needs.

Third, let me call your attention to this quote:

"We find that the programming at issue is within the scope of our indecency definition because it depicts sexual organs and excretory organs -- specifically an adult woman's buttocks," the FCC wrote. "Although ABC argues, without citing any authority, that the buttocks are not a sexual organ, we reject this argument, which runs counter to both case law and common sense."

Wait, wait, wait. It's common sense that the butt is a sexual organ? When the fuck did that happen? Up until a few minutes ago, common sense was telling me that sexual organs were those that played a part in procreation. But apparently I--and Wikipedia--are wrong! Apparently, sexual organs include the various organs that play a part in procreation--the penis, the vagina, the testicles, and the ovaries, for example--and the butt.

Or--oh shit--there's another explanation. If common sense tells me that sexual organs are those that play a part in procreation, and common sense also tells me that the butt is a sexual organ, then that could mean that the butt is somehow involved in procreation! Of course! This makes so much sense! It explains strange things like anal sex. It must be the case that women have two reproductive systems, one of which is vagina based and other of which is butt based! It must be that couples can decide whether to have normal, vagina-born babies or mutant butt babies! That would explain people like Steven Cojocaru and the entire cast of The Real Housewives of Orange County! They're all butt babies! Remarkable.

Or the FCC is a bunch of idiots. You decide.

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