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Germophobes Are Stupid

January 3, 2008 10:36 PM

ne time in college, I was at a movie theater with some friends. One of my friends and I were in the restroom just before the show. We washed our hands, and headed for the exit. I noticed that my friend took his long shirt sleeve and wrapped his hand in it before touching the door handle. "What the fuck are you doing?" I asked him. "Can you imagine all the people who come in here every day and don't wash their hands and then touch this handle? I don't want other people's shit on my hand." "You're a fucking retard," I responded. "Absolutely nothing bad will happen if you happen to touch something with your hand that someone else, at some indeterminate time, may have touched with a hand that may have touched their excrement or genitals," I said. My friend looked at me like I was crazy. So I did the only logical thing that someone in that position could do: I licked the door handle. And I didn't die or get sick or anything.

My point is that germophobes are stupid, paranoid people who take completely ineffective measures to protect themselves from made up threats. First of all, the human immune system is a bad-ass thing. It's been honed by millions of years of evolution to withstand all manner of microbial invaders. I'm sure that during the age when our ancestors were eating in one part of the cave and shitting in another, there were numerous instances when it all got mixed together. And let's also not forget that prehistoric hunters were probably not very well-educated about things such as salmonella and cross contamination. But our species not only survived, it thrived.

And nothing has changed now that we've discovered the microscopic organisms we share our living spaces with. Our bodies are ready and willing to beat the shit out of any foreign germs that might have designs on our well-being. Yeah, some slip through the cracks now and then, but, on the whole, our bodies do just fine repelling the sorts of organisms we inevitably come into contact with every day.

Finally, did my friend really think that using his shirt sleeve as a shield was going to protect him from anything? If he's working on the premise that deadly germs can be transferred from someone's ass to someone's hand the the door handle, does he really think that a soggy piece of cotton is going to keep the germs from migrating to his hand? That's just ridiculous. If you're the kind of person that flushes the toilets in public restrooms with your shoe, what do you think you're accomplishing? You probably wash your hands pretty often, but how often do you wash your shoe? Now you've got a little colony of germs on your shoe, ready to strike the next time you tie your laces. When you break these measures down, they're just habits aimed at preserving the person's psychological well-being, not preventing physical illness. And that's lame.

And here's one more thing--even though I opened the last paragraph with "finally"--how do these people that are all about tricking themselves into thinking that they're avoiding germs feel about oral sex? Or even sex generally? Sex--even safe sex--isn't an altogether sanitary experience. I mean, do these people want to institute Demolition Man-style restrictions on fluid transfers?

Seriously, guys, get your heads out of your asses--there are a lot of germs up there.



10 Comments


pH said:

Ok, I am not a germophobe. I am a committed eater of food-that-has-fallen-on-my-floor-but-does-not-have-visible-debris-on-it-(anymore ). However, I have three main rebuttals to your post.
1. EWWWWWW! You licked a public bathroom door handle?! That's fucking gross! You do know that e coli comes from that exact kind of ass/feces to hand to doorknob to mouth transfer right?
2. No one flushes the toilet with their shoelaces. You flush with the bottom of your shoe, which you then use to walk all over the carpet in your apartment, which you then eat food off of. This chain is way more attenuated and gives the dried feces time to lose its potency.
3. There is a reason that no one goes ass-to-mouth. Don't you watch the movies?

January 4, 2008 11:13 AM



Ismael Tapia II said:

I mean, I guess that was pretty gross. But sometimes proving your point--in this case that the germs on the handle probably wouldn't make you sick--was more important. And I proved it--I didn't get sick.

My only point with the whole shoe flushing thing was that germs are everywhere, and most of the steps people take to avoid them are pretty ridiculous and clearly ineffective and that, besides, not everyone who's exposed to harmful bacteria will become infected. Doesn't mean you should purposely increase your exposure--by, say, liking door handles--but it does mean that it's unnecessary to try to reduce your exposure, which you probably can't do practically, anyway.

As far as sex being dirty, according to this article, the whole genital area is permeated with harmful things. Don't know how true any of it is, but I'm just saying.

January 4, 2008 11:41 AM



Vice said:

You licked a bathroom door handle?

That's pretty appalling, but also kind of awesome, in a "that's a totally Ismael thing to do" sort of way.

January 4, 2008 12:00 PM



Anonymouse said:

Enough about fecal matter, or ass matter, or whatever the kids are calling it. What about "hot girls in thongs"?

January 4, 2008 9:48 PM



TheExpat said:

I'm all for hot girls in thongs. Hell yeah. But for now I'd just like to share some wisdom garnered from an ex-Marine:

The world is full of dangerous germs that want infect us and kill us. That's why, instead of washing your hands after using the toilet, you should just lick your palms clean. Eventually your immune system will run like a champion and you'll almost never get sick.

We're not talking about rubbing filth directly on your hands and eating it, here. Scientists say that, every time you flush the toilet, you can spread the bacteria in the bowl outward in a five-foot radius, regardless of whether the lid is shut or not. That means this airborne bacteria gets on your clothes and in quite possibly in your lungs when you take a breath. You might even be eating it a little bit.

So, go ahead. Don't be a wuss. Lick 'em clean. Oh, and Semper Fi!

January 4, 2008 11:43 PM



Ismael Tapia II said:

You want hot girls in thongs? Alright, here you go.

What Here is No Why readers want, Here is No Why readers get.

January 5, 2008 7:27 PM



morenonesense said:

This is coming from the guy who is irrationally and uncontrollably afraid of any insect.

January 5, 2008 7:44 PM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Dude, insects are fucked-up creatures. It's not that I'm scared of them or that I think they can actually hurt me, it's that they freak me the fuck out. Seriously, six legs? Or eight on spiders? That's just unwholesome. It feels so fucked up to have some creepy-crawly thing on your skin. That's what I hate. And I hate the ones I'm not touching because seeing them makes me think of that fucking feeling. It's totally different than the germ thing.

January 6, 2008 12:27 AM



NT Is All In said:

This post is extra funny to me. It reminds me of my former boss. When he would take a piss, he would walk over to the napkin dispenser and pull a few napkins down, then he would walk over to the urinal, pull out his stuff, pull out the napkins and wrap the napkins around his stuff, pee, then wipe his stuff down with the napkins and casually walk over to the garbage and toss the napkins. What in the world is he sticking his stuff into that he can't touch it with his bare hands???!!! He would never open a door anywhere with his barehand. He would always pull his sleeve down to open a door. It didn't matter where we were or who we were with. Also, when he would valet his car, he would reach behind the passenger seat and pull out a napkin to wipe down every possible place inside the car that the valet attendant could have possible touched. The man was/is strange to say the least.

January 11, 2008 2:31 PM



Tom Harkin said:

NT

Uhhhh, one question. Why are you watching your boss piss? You seem to know the details of his routine pretty well. Are you sure he was your boss or was it your boyfriend?

January 11, 2008 7:51 PM



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