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What's More American than Gladiators?

January 7, 2008 11:43 PM

he new version of American Gladiators is awesome.

I just watched what is apparently the second or third episode. It was pretty fucking cool. The producers have somehow managed to keep all the things that made the original series so awesome--including most of the best events. In fact, the only omissions I care about are Atlasphere, in which the competitors and gladiators rolled around in giant hamster balls, and Human Cannonball, in which the competitors swung on ropes and tried to knock the gladiators off of pedestals. But the absolute best events--like Assault and Joust--are back and, in the case of the former, better. And there's an awesome new event called Earthquake, which is basically greco-roman wrestling on a platform suspended above water. And that's the other thing--remember how on the original show, anytime someone fell, they'd fall onto cushy pads? Not here. In the first of a few changes that make the show more similar to Ninja Warrior, competitors and gladiators fall into water rather than mats.

And the Eliminator--the final event during which any contestant can still win but the one leading in points is given a head start--seems pretty tough. In the episode I watched, none of the competitors were able to complete the whole course without falling. The only downside is that the Eliminator has two obstacles--the barrel roll and the hand bike--in common with Ninja Warrior. The result is that the Eliminator makes the American competitors look like pansies compared to the Japanese contestants on Ninja Warrior, some of which--especially Makato Nagano--are so amazingly badass that I'm honestly surprised that none of them fight crime in the city Batman style.

The gladiators are serviceable. None of them leaped out at me as being either really awesome or anywhere near as douchey as Malibu from the original:

The female gladiators are pretty mannish, especially Hellga:

Even the hosts aren't all bad--there's nothing wrong with Hulk Hogan or Muhammad Ali's daughter.

In fact, there's only one thing that really sucks about the new show--the ridiculous attempt to make it more reality oriented. I mean, I'm fine with getting some background on the competitors, but do they really need a chance to say some trite, stupid thing before each event? I think not. They should just compete and, in the cases of some, look hot.

Still, I set my DVR to record the series, and I don't think I'm going to regret it.



11 Comments


Dee said:

How could they lose the Atlasphere, an event honored by appearing on an episode of the Simpsons?

January 8, 2008 7:59 AM



JLee said:

I used to love this show and wondered how the new one would be. Back in the day when the original was on, my neighbor who was a stuntman wanted to train me to do stunt work and this type of stuff and now I'm kicking myself because it would have been fun! lol

ps
men should never under any circumstances wear a half shirt...

January 8, 2008 8:55 AM



Lily said:

I question your taste in women. There are much hotter women on that show!

January 8, 2008 12:29 PM



Anonymous said:

that clip of "malibu" destroys the unintentional comedy scale.

January 8, 2008 7:59 PM



frank x. said:

I can only say one thing about Malibu: Party in the back, business in the front! Also, my memories of American Gladiators all involve being extremely bored on Saturdays and wishing the Simpsons were on Saturdays.

January 9, 2008 8:54 AM



Anonymouse said:

Yeah, decided the contestants should speak? I think they should all be silent. I don't give a crap about what they have to say. As for "talking shit" as the kids say, well that's just dumb. Let's insult some steroid pumped crazy bastard right before he/she/it crushes you. Also, I don't know why they didn't get Mike Ademle (sp?) to help announce. It's not like it would be hard, he's a sports anchor for NBC in Chicago.

January 10, 2008 9:11 PM



Anonymouse said:

I'm revising my opinion. The new AG just isn't as good. They need to go back to making it as corny as the original. The contestants need to talk less. The gladiators need to talk shit, but in an all business kind of way (not howling like a lame wolf). I do like the fact that when the assault target gets hit the gladiator goes flying. That's a nice touch.

Oh, also, I think they need to test the gladiators for PEDs. Just kidding.

January 14, 2008 7:39 PM



Anonymouse said:

Did Hulk really just ask a competitor if her experience as a bull rider was going to help her ride the eliminator allllll the way to victory? Yes, yes he did!

January 14, 2008 7:52 PM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Anonymouse,
In answer to your question, yes, the Hulk really asked that. And it was ridiculous. But that contestant was just ridiculous generally--I mean, we get it, she's a fucking bullrider. Does that mean that the best she can do by way of trashtalking is talking about bulls or analogizing the gladiotors or herself to bulls? I mean, lame.

I'm still a fan of the new version. Yes, the part with the contestants talking is stupid, but the events themselves are pretty entertaining. And the Assault is much more satisfying now that a defeated gladiator ends up in the drink. Awesome.

January 14, 2008 9:41 PM



Gracyn said:

Hey, you’re the goto expert. Thanks for hagning out here.

July 10, 2011 6:26 AM






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