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Where No Untalented Black Man Has Gone Before . . . . (Updated)

January 14, 2008 3:54 AM

'm just going to go ahead and admit this for anyone that hasn't already picked up on this: I love Star Trek.

I never really liked the original series. I think it's cheesy, predictable, and boring. I can see past the amazingly crappy special effects, but most of the stories are transparent morality plays and, as a result, all the characters are either completely flat or absolutely overdone.

No, my love of Star Trek started with The Next Generation. That show was awesome. I still remember being relatively young and getting really excited whenever Jean-Luc Picard would start doing his into narration: "These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise...." I mean, it didn't get much better for a supergeek like me. I also remember the first time I watched "All Good Things....," the TNG finale. It was awesome.

Deep Space 9 was vaguely decent when it started, and then got really, really good. It was the first Trek series--and the first series that I can think of generally--that really built up one major story arc over many seasons. In my darker moments, I know that the later seasons of DS9 were, in terms of writing, story, pacing, characters, action, and special effects, much better than anything that TNG ever did. But it doesn't really matter--my heart belongs on the bridge of the Enterprise-D. In any event, DS9 was really good, too.

Voyager was, well, not as good. I watched it because I wanted more Trek, but it just really wasn't ever nearly as good as DS9 or as gee-whiz exciting as TNG. Captain Janeway was boring, the ship looked like an ugly garden tool compared to the sophistication of Picard's Galaxy-class Enterprise, and way too many stories and plot elements felt extremely recycled. And there was way too much pontificating about the universal correctness of the Federation way. Even Picard, who was a relatively straight arrow, would tell Starfleet Command to go fuck themselves every now and then. Janeway was a spineless ninny.

Then there was that Enterprise series. I've seen a few episodes, but I found it to have the exact same flaws that Voyager had without any of the benefits. It was just lame.

There were also a bunch of Star Trek movies. Some of them--like Generations or The Wrath of Khan--are decent or even good. Others--like Insurrection or the one where Captain Kirk literally finds god--are terrible. So, although I was excited on principle when I heard that a new Star Trek movie was in the works, I was cautiously optimistic at best. And almost every single piece of news that comes about about the movie--called simply Star Trek--has served to diminish that optimism.

First there was the news that the new movie wouldn't be about Jean-Luc Picard and the brand-spankin'-new Enterprise-E, but about Kirk and his crew. This is bullshit because there's still a lot of potential for stories involving the TNG crew. And the new ship is fucking badass. And besides, aren't Shatner and all the other people fucking 80 years old? I mean, Bones is dead! The solution comes in the form of the second piece of optimism-killing news: the new movie is going to be a prequel to the original series and involve Kirk and his cohorts at the Academy. Goddamnit, have we learned nothing from Star Wars? Prequels almost invariably suck. The third piece of news was slightly better, but not good: the thing's gonna be produced by the creators of Lost. Now, don't get me wrong, I think Lost is awesome. But it's also not anything like Star Trek. And it's not just that the subject matter is completely different, it's that the storytelling is completely different. Star Trek has never been about twists or super-complex plots. It's about--as corny as this sounds--human beings being the best they can be against the unknown. Still, J.J. Abrams is a talented guy, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. But I swear--if there's even the hint of a smoke monster, I'm walking the fuck out of the theater.

But the most damning news was still to come. With the exception of Zachary Quinto--Sylar from Heroes--as a young Spock, the producers are making wacky casting decisions. While I like the fact that they're using mostly little-known actors to play well-known characters because that'll make it easier to buy the performances, the already famous people they're casting make no sense. Simon Pegg as Scotty? This isn't a parody, right? This is a real movie? So then why the fuck cast Mr. Pegg--as awesome as he is--in a role that demands an accent that's already ridiculous enough without a comedian in the role? But whatever. This thing still looked like it might not be a complete disaster.

But then the absolute worst piece of news came out. Tyler "I Can Cross Dress In a Fat Suit with the Best of Them" Perry is in this thing. You're surely thinking "well, that's not so bad. I mean, he comes into frame wearing a red shirt and then he evaporates. No harm no foul." No, fellow Star Trek fans, he has a much more prominent role than that. You see, he's apparently going to play the head of motherfucking Starfleet Academy.

That's crossing the line. That's a fucking set-on-kill phaser to the back. Fuck you, producers. Your movie's going to suck.

Update:
I've been doing some more reading on this topic, and I'm sorry to say that I've found even worse news than al that crap about Tyler Perry. It turns out that the movie's going to be written by the same assholes that brought us the Hercules and Xena TV series, The Legend of Zorro, The Island, and--and this is the worst part--Transformers. I'd say all hope of this being even decent--let alone true to the original in any way--is dead.



9 Comments


Lauren said:

I've only seen one episode of the original series, and it was pretty lame. I agree that The Next Generation series is the most worthy of movie-making, but didn't the crew break up in "Nemesis"? Riker and Troi are heading up their own ship now and Dr. Crusher was supposed to go to another ship, and all they have now is that crappy Data-like thing. And it just wouldn't be the same without Data. While I love it, TNG just isn't in a position for another movie.

I don't necessarily think that the new one will suck either. I know I always say this, and then you pretty much always end up right, but give the thing a chance.

On a side note, its weird that you posted about the new Trek movie, since last night Eric and I watched "Nemesis" and then geeked out about it.

January 14, 2008 10:02 AM



Dee said:

yeah, that's bad. but they've also cast eric bana as some villain i think. he makes bad movies good.

January 14, 2008 8:55 PM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Lauren,
I guess you're right about the crew breaking up after Nemesis. But that shouldn't really matter too much, given that the original crew broke up pretty much at the end of every movie and they always found some ridiculous way to get them back together. The first half hour of the movie was always Kirk going around finding all his old college buddies. I mean, all that would have to happen would be Picard would go around and be all "We're getting the band back together." And then Riker would be all "We're on a mission from god." See, that would be sweet.

Dee,
Who the fuck is Eric Bana? I mean, what else has he been in?

January 14, 2008 9:35 PM



Lauren said:

Eric Bana played Hector in "Troy," which he was very good in, I thought. Other than that, I only know he was in the Incredible Hulk, which I haven't seen.

January 14, 2008 10:32 PM



Anonymous said:

I can't believe that I even fast forward read that entire post. Can I have my quarter back?

January 14, 2008 10:33 PM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Lauren,
Was he the Incredible Hulk in The Incredible Hulk? Cause if he is, then he seems too bland to play an interesting new villain.

Anonymouse,
Wait, wait--who'd you give a quarter to. Is someone out there charing people quarters to read my blog and not sharing that money with me? What the fuck!

January 15, 2008 1:01 AM



Dee said:

he was the main character in munich (actually a good movie). i would be surprised if you could call him bland in that part.

January 15, 2008 7:31 AM



Fraser said:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bx4OFsysXyY

Check this out. I think you will enjoy. A teaser, in the truest sense of the word.

January 22, 2008 8:55 AM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Hey, Fraser!

You know, I went and watched Cloverfield on Saturday and I left to go to the bathroom at the very start of what I thought was the movie itself. Then, as I came running back into the theater, I just heard the very last bars of the music from the Original Series, and I was pissed. Then I found it online, and I wasn't all that pissed anymore.

First of all, there are some positives. Namely, I'm glad that the Enterprise will apparently look mostly like it did back in the day. That's good. Second, I liked that it was a true trailer. But there were also some things that I really didn't like. Are we supposed to believe, for example, that the welding tools they're using to construct starships in the 23rd century are indistinguishable from those we use now? Or that there wouldn't be countless automated systems to do the most menial tasks like welding the outer hull together?

But the worst part, as far as I'm concerned, is having Spock do the "Space . . . the final frontier" narration. I love that the words were used, but why not have the new Kirk do the talking? It's always been the captain--Kirk and then Picard--that delivers that line, not the fucking first officer. it just seemed like misguided and unsuccessful pandering to me.

But I'm trying to keep an open mind, because I'm still pretty excited.

January 23, 2008 1:43 AM



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