Concerning Death Threats and Shootings

February 15, 2008 1:11 AM

hen I was a senior in high school, I was expelled because a girl in one of my classes accused me--falsely--of threatening to kill her, several other students, and a teacher. This girl and I did not get along. I thought she was arrogant and obnoxious. I'm sure she thought that and much worse things about me. On this particular morning, we were in homeroom, and the class was watching Channel One. I think that they were airing something about the shootings at Columbine High School. I remember being annoyed at the coverage and saying that I thought that various aspects of the story--for example, that the shooters listened to KMFDM and Marilyn Manson--were getting far too much attention. Some of the people in the area around me took issue with whatever it is that I said, and I responded in my usual fashion: I was an asshole about the whole thing.

I don't remember exactly what I said. I really cannot remember what words I used or what inflection I invoked. I know I wasn't stupid enough to say "I'm going to kill you," but I'm sure I was stupid enough to say something inflammatory that, in some other context, could have been taken as a threat. Whatever it is I said, though, I know I didn't make specific threats against students or teachers. In any event, the whole thing was so minor in my mind that I had completely forgotten about it later when school security pulled me out of one of my classes and took me to the principal's office. Once I got there, I tried to explain that the whole thing was a misunderstanding and that, while I certainly didn't like the girl, I hadn't threatened to kill her or anyone else and that whatever I had said was meant as a joke.

The principal--and the girl's father--wouldn't listen. In some ways, I can't blame them. I was a fairly strange sort of kid. I wore black almost exclusively. I listened to Marilyn Manson and wore the band's t-shirts to school all the time. I wasn't very popular. My two best friends and I owned and wore black leather trench coats. In short, I was, on some levels, a walking stereotype. While it would be irresponsible for school administrators to ignore a complaint of a death threat in any context, I can understand why they might have thought that an accusation against me was particularly credible. In addition, the girl that accused me was popular and attractive. And her parents were well-known and respected figures in the community.

All of this meant that the principal decided to expel me--even though the teachers I had allegedly threatened spoke out in my defense (one of them in a tearful meeting with the principal) and the police (who searched my bedroom) found nothing to suggest that I was anything more dangerous than a typical angry teenager or that I might use to carry out the threats I was accused of making (I've never owned any weapon more dangerous than a Swiss Army knife).

Eventually, the whole thing blew over, and I was allowed to go back to school and march with my graduating class. But the entire experience has stayed with me, and I think about it every time that something like what happened today at Northern Illinois University happens. School shootings--which are happening with at a rate that is just really, really scary--make me feel two very different and very hard to reconcile emotions.

On the one hand, when the stories about these shooters come out--as they always do--there are things there that I might identify with. I was teased. I wasn't popular with girls. I wore lots of black. But I don't identify with these shooter's decision to take their anger and frustration out on other people. I know that even in my darkest, most lonely, angry, depraved moments, I've never seriously considered harming myself or others. I can't imagine the series of events that would lead me to take a gun to school and open fire on a roomful of strangers. Such a series of events does not exist. I'd never do that, and I'm fairly certain that the people who know me well now and knew me well in high school know that. So it makes me angry that I was singled out--at least in part because of my appearance and who I associated with--as someone who might be capable of that sort of thing. It makes me angry because that is so far from who I am.

But, on the other hand, while I have never been dangerous, there are a lot of people like me who, unfortunately, are. In my case, the girl's accusation lead to a huge inconvenience. In some other case, though, an accusation like that might lead to the prevention of another terrible incident. So I understand why the administration took the accusation as seriously as they did, even if I didn't at the time.

The news today reminded me about all of this, and then I got a sort of meta emotion. I realized that I had been reminded of my high-school expulsion far too often as of late.

8 Comments

TheExpat said:

I agree that the shootings are out of control. It's even more self-defeating than hating yourself when you add things up. I also for one had no idea you were expelled for a death threat. You being Ismael, I know you probably said something way fucked up, but it sounds like everybody overreacted to it. Americans can be very alarmist and superficial.

February 15, 2008 8:43 PM

morenonesense said:

In some ways, I guess, you're 'lucky' that you were in high school 10 years ago; if the same thing happened to you now, I bet you'd be in much more trouble even if all of the facts remained the same.

What did the cops say to you after they searched your room and found the staggering amount of porn?

February 15, 2008 10:49 PM

estefanita said:

are the girls initials CV? i can't remember who it was but if it was her you are wrong on one point, she was popular but never good looking. to be honest i wouldn't be suprised if you had said you you'd kill her....i know you wouldn't mean it but i seem to remember a pretty sarcastic kid who didn't give a fuck (well at least when it came to not pretty popular types) and i probably told her i'd kill her a few times too. and was the tearful teacher Ms B? She was great and i felt she always saw beyond the high school bullshit to the genuine person inside. now i come to think of it we were probably in class together that day no? senior year? well whatever, they may have expelled you but you still had hot prom dates and an awesome mustang!

February 16, 2008 10:38 AM

Ismael Tapia II said:

Expat,
That's what I've never been able to understand: if you're sad and suicidal, go ahead and kill yourself, but why take it out on other people? What's going on in these people's heads that they think that it's somehow appropriate or right to kill others? That's the scariest part for me.

Mr. Morenononsense,
Yeah, you're probably right.

As for the porn, I knew that the police were coming ahead of time, so I hid the porn and they did not discover it.

Estefanita,
Yup, that was her. She wasn't not good looking. I mean, she wasn't hot or anything, but she wasn't a troll, either. But she was absolutely full of herself and I couldn't stand her.

In any event, Ms. B was one of the teachers I supposedly threatened, and you're right--she was awesome and way past the high-school bullshit. But Ms. R--who later became Ms. T--was the one who tearfully defended me.

And we were absolutely in that class together. What a ridiculously long time ago that was.

February 16, 2008 12:05 PM

estefanita said:

hey and how comeyou made no comment on the hot prom date dammit?!?! (talk about full of oneself;)

February 16, 2008 4:34 PM

estefanita said:

ahhh i just remembered....she was the insight.com bowl queen!
say it out loud "insight.com bowl queen" i told her it sounded like a porn title in Mr B's math class and she almost cried. ha i was a jerk

February 16, 2008 4:41 PM

Ismael Tapia II said:

Yes, despite all the nonsense, I was allowed to go to prom--and graduation--and I had extremely hot accompaniment to both.

As for CV being queen of the Insight.com Bowl, I had not forgotten that. I did not know, however, that you had said that to her and made her cry. That's awesome.

You may have been a jerk, although never to me. Still, I was a much bigger jerk. Were you there the time that I told that one cheerleader girl--I forget her last name, but her first name started with an A--that her arm, which had been broken, had healed in an extremely noticeable crooked way? And she ran from the room crying? Yeah, I was a much bigger jerk than you.

February 16, 2008 11:30 PM

Santi said:

I remember when Ms B told us the day after you had been expelled/suspended/whatever about what had happened, and she was in fact laughing at times at the ridiculousness of it all. Good times.

February 17, 2008 10:10 PM

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