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The New Knight Rider

February 18, 2008 12:58 AM

riters' strike notwithstanding, it's been evident for several years that Hollywood ran out of ideas several years ago. This is obvious because rather than bringing us new ideas, plots, and characters, they're instead repackaging things we loved when we were kids and claiming the thing is new and improved. More often than not, the producers of these "reimaginings" completely fail to understand what made the original thing awesome but, what's worse, think they understand exactly what will make the new thing awesomer. And, inevitably, what we get is some asshat's vision of something we've known and loved for years that is neither true to the original nor good enough to stand on its own. And the whole thing is just sad.

I loved Knight Rider when I was a kid. I mean, a talking, indestructible supercar that jumped over things on an almost constant basis? What's not to love when you're eight years old? The whole thing only gets cooler because I have a very distinct memory of talking about the show with my grandma--I remember very specifically talking about Michael and the car that talked. That's a really cool memory, as far as I'm concerned. I've watched some episodes of Knight Rider as an adult, and I have to say that the part of me that is still a little boy really enjoyed them. It's an hour-long stunt driving spectacular. And the car, even though it's really dated, is also really fucking awesome. David Hasselhoff is less awesome, but I can forgive him because, you know, he's Michael Knight.

So, I tuned in tonight to watch NBC's latest effort to squeeze the last possible pennies out of Generation-Y nostalgia. The new Knight Rider differs from the original in several respects. First, the car isn't a black Trans Am, it's a black Mustang. And they named the model on the show, something they never did on the original. Sure, KITT was a 1982 Pontiac Trans Am, but they never called it that. Whenever a character described it, they called it a "t-top," never a Trans Am. I prefer that to blatantly saying that the car is a Mustang and then having literally about ten minutes of the two-hour movie devoted to close-up shots of all the Mustang and Cobra insignia on the car. Lame. And, of course, the series seems to take a place in which Ford was the only company that won the Franchise Wars, so every other vehicle on the show is made by Ford. Double lame.

Second, although they kept the red scanner lights on the front, they've chosen to omit the classic "swoosh swoosh" scanning sound. That's just stupid. Third, the voice isn't Mr. Feeny, it's one of the worst Batmans. And it's strange because the car sounds more like a mix of Data and Mr. Spock from Star Trek than a witty snob. I don't really like it.

Third, KITT--short for Knight Industries Three Thousand this time around--is driven not by Michael Knight, but by Michael Knight, Jr., who's called Michael Traceur for some reason.

Fourth, the producers have also apparently done away with the girl-of-the-week thing and have given the protagonist one love interest. I guess that'll make for an interesting love angle to the whole thing, but it also suggests that they're going to take this thing way too seriously.

Finally, the other big difference--and the one that is most mind boggling--is the change to KITT and Michael's roving headquarters. Remember how in the original series, KITT would back out of a black semi onto the highway? Apparently that was way too believable--especially after Mythbusters proved it was a really easy stunt--so some idiot somewhere made the decision to kick it up a notch. Now, instead of a semi, KITT deploys out of--get this--a giant fucking carrier plane. Yup. A giant carrier plane using the highway as a runway. That's how KITT gets onto the streets. That's the lamest fucking thing since a time-traveling train.

As far as the actual movie, though, the plot was fine or whatever. It was about as incredible as you'd expect a show about an intelligent car to be. The whole thing was really a device to set up the planned series and to establish the car. Fine. But I seriously need someone to explain to me how the fuckers that wrote this thing couldn't fit even one turbo-boost scene into the movie. I mean, what the fuck. The car changes shapes (into other Mustangs), gets 147 mpg, is bulletproof and really, really fucking fast, but we can't get one scene where it jumps over a canyon or something? That's just lame. That's three for those of you playing along at home.

Anyway, I'm going to watch the series if it happens just because I don't have any other choice, really. But, seriously, I want to see this thing jump. If they've done away with the turbo-boost thing altogether, that could be a deal breaker.

Oh, and there was way too much CGI. Just way too much of it.

On another note, I watched the American Gladiators finale. It was fine or whatever, but I really, really, really hate Evan, the guy that won. His face is on crooked, and his nonstop positivity makes me want to murder him.

Also, am I the only one who thinks that Crush is kinda hot? Before you accuse me of being into women that might as well be men, though, check out her photo gallery at Maxim.



1 Comments


TheExpat said:

That's full-on lame, man. I will not see this movie or series unless it falls out of a huge carrier plane and into my lap in DVD format.

Crush is hot. You're not the only one, at least not any more.

February 18, 2008 6:57 AM



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