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Harbingers of Doom

March 10, 2008 11:11 PM

e are fucked. Oil prices are breaking new records every day. We are mired in an endless war. Our President doesn't seem to mind torture. Our leaders are more corrupt than ever. Or perhaps they're not, which is even scarier. Yes, it seems that at almost every turn, we are confronted by evidence that our entire civilization is heading for the shit can.

But the most compelling evidence that our culture is (rightfully) doomed comes from Hollywood. Yes, at a time when the entire entertainment industry seems to be completely out of original ideas and left with no option but to rape the fuck out of nostalgia, movie producers seem to have set exactly one criteria for what they'll develop into a movie: They'll produce anything as long as they don't have to bother making it up. So classics are, with very few exceptions, robbed of anything that may have once made them appealing and projected onto the screen with about as much respect as you'd have for a two-bit whore. I'd like to blame the douchewads that run the studios, but they're only giving America what it wants. And what it wants is fucking stupid. Let us examine two movies that people seem to excited about even though they will certainly suck more than anything has ever sucked before.

Ironman
When the trailer for this movie came on at the theater a while ago, people seemed excited. This confused me. Had they forgotten that Ironman sucks? Ironman is a cheap Marvel Comics' Batman knock-off. I mean, look. Billionaire industrialist? Check. No actual super powers? Check. An expensive suit? Check. Only Ironman is devoid of the things that make Batman interesting: a dark, borderline crazy personality; an unbelievably keen detective mind; and a strict--if enigmatic--sense of morality. Bruce Wayne acts like a douchebag as a cover; Tony Stark is a card-carrying member of Douchebags International.

But aside from the fact that Ironman is a crappy character, a crappy comic book, and a crappy idea in general, look at the movie itself:

This movie looks like a piece of shit! It looks like a terrible RoboCop parody (as opposed to a great RoboCop parody?)! What is there in that movie that makes someone excited? The fact that they don't see how sadly obvious it is to use the Black Sabbath song "Ironman" in a trailer for a movie called Ironman lets you know the kind of people you're dealing with here.

Speed Racer
Simply put, if you are a Speed Racer fan, you owe me an apology. Whenever someone tells me that they like Speed Racer, I can't do anything other than ask them whether they've ever actually watched the show. Because it is possibly the dumbest show ever. And this movie looks just about as bad. I'd like to try to think of some clever insults, but I don't have to. The worst thing I can possibly say about the movie is that it seems to be a faithful adaptation of both the story and the style of the Speed Racer cartoon. Watch the fucking trailer and tell me it doesn't make you want to throw up. And if, after watching that bizarre whirlwind of color and shiny objects, you still want to watch this fucking movie, then you seriously better apologize to me and America.

I'm going on record right now: if either of these movies opens at number one at the box office, Pax Americana will end within one-hundred years. If both open at number one on their respective opening weekends, then you'd better start stocking up on canned food and toilet paper, because the nuclear bombs are about to start raining down on your head.


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