The Secrets of Flipping

May 27, 2008 12:40 AM

lipping houses can be a lucrative endeavor. Unfortunately, it can also be extremely risky. The novice house-flipper should, therefore, be wary and keep several general things in mind. Remember, for example, not to get personally involved in your investment: you're not going to live there, don't design the house for yourself. Beyond that, there are a few specific and time-tested secrets a new flipper should keep in mind. Here's a short list. it is not exhaustive.

1. When in doubt, use travertine. Travertine offers the strength and versatility of marble and granite without the great expense. And it doesn't look too shabby, either. There really is no way to overuse travertine. From floors to countertops to walls to plumbing to light fixtures to electrical wiring, travertine can fulfill almost any aesthetic or functional role. An all-travertine house is, basically, the most perfect thing that man has ever conceived of, but flippers shouldn't attempt the all-travertine flip unless they're prepared to be literally buried under the unbelievable number of offers they'd receive. Of course, you should keep in mind that travertine tiles are going to need mortar, and there's no substance that works better as mortar than good ol' Parmesan cheese.
2. Whenever possible, use bank-vault doors. Bank-vault doors are the perfect combination of security, practicality, and elegance. They keep the bad guys out, keep the money in, and they can only be opened at predetermined times, so they're perfect for the typical suburban home or downtown condo. As with any good thing, there's no such thing as too many bank-vault doors. If you're wondering how many bank-vault doors your project needs, follow this simple formula: take the number of doors in the house and multiply it by sixteen. For the average four-bedroom, three-bathroom house, that works out to about 160 bank-vault doors.
3. Roast-beef curtains are the only way to go. What if you want to look out the window and you're hungry at the same time? A thoughtful--and successful--house-flipper will be able to anticipate those kinds of problems and solve them for a buyer before the buyer even knows what he needs. Roast-beef curtains are an economical way to solve just one of these problems, and it would be foolish for a smart flipper not to include this cheap yet effective option in their final product.
4. Where do bad folks go when they die? A lake of fire, of course! Moats may have been effective in the Middle Ages, but most sophisticated buyers in today's market realize that most people can swim. So buyers just aren't willing to pay huge premiums for conventional moats anymore. That's why the smart flipper knows that a lake of fire is an absolute flip must. Anyone can swim, but it's very unlikely that any given assailant will be fireproof, too.
5. If you get into the condo market, stay in the condo market. One of the biggest mistakes first-time condo flippers make is selling their condos. The reasons why this is a bad idea are too numerous to get into here, but the basic rule of thumb is that if you don't buy at least one condo every week, you're losing money. And every condo you sell represents an unmitigated failure in the flipping business. Of course, the most important reason to hold on to those condos indefinitely is that the modern American economy is clearly about to become condo based, just like the feudal system in Europe was based on land. So remember: the way to be successful is to buy--and keep--more condos than anyone else.
6. The Sauron-helmet house. Imagine you're driving down a beautiful residential street. to your left and right are beautiful houses in all styles. Then something amazing catches your eye: a house shaped like the helm of the Lord of the Rings himself. if you're a prospective home buyer, it's pretty clear which house you're going to pick, isn't it? No one can resist the simple, understated, refined beauty of a house shaped like the Dark Lord's helmet. And when that prospective buyer walks over the lake of fire on the drawbridge, through the front bank-vault doors and sees the beautifully appointed home--floor to ceiling travertine, roast-beef curtains, and deeds to condos strewn everywhere--they'll have no choice but to make you an offer.

As I said, this list is meant mostly for the first-time flipper as a guide--it's not exhaustive by any means. But the basic idea is to stay well within the conventional boundaries of taste and style while still being somewhat timeless. Vaulted ceilings might be "in" right now, but they might be tomorrow's shag carpeting, so they're a bit of a gamble. Some things--like roast-beef curtains--however, will never go out of style and appeal to a broad range of potential buyers.

Feel free to ask questions in the comments--I'm here to help, afterall. And, most importantly, good flippin'!

4 Comments

Vice said:

Admittedly, I am by no means an expert like yourself. However, having spent enough time around you, Utah and L-Dawg during your brainstorming sessions, I've come up with some other suggestions. You can let me know if they've got any potential:

1. Windows in front of toilets. Nothing is more empowering for a home-buyer than to sit down and take a crap for the first time on his or her new toilet while having an open view of the neighborhood.

2. Appliances that are grossly over/under-sized for the space. Buyers don't want cookie-cutter appliances that fit neatly into their little designated spots. Modern appliances should be bold and eye-catching. Show me a home where the refridgerator takes up 90% of the kitchen space, and I'll show you a satisfied customer. On the other hand, tiny refridgerators are cute and cuddly. Plus, tiny fridges are stackable, so if you ever need more storage space, you can buy several little fridges and stack one on top of the other.

3. A room with all mirrors instead of walls, floors, or ceilings. Ever get that feeling that someone or some thing is sneaking up from behind you in your own home, but you're too lazy to turn around and actually look? Well, not anymore. The mirror ceilings will also come in extremely handy if there's something itching on top of your head, and you can't tell if it's just a scab, or something worse, like a bat. Plus, if you're a woman wearing a skirt, the mirror floors are a handy way of checking to make sure you're wearing underwear.

4. Painted grass. Got a yard full of dead grass or unsightly dirt? Paint it green! Unlike natural grass, painted grass gives you the versatility of having a yard whatever color you like. You can have your yard looking summer green all year 'round, or you can paint it white if you're hankering for a little snow cover. You can also change it for special events, like painting your favorite sports team's logo on it for game days, paint it black and orange for Halloween or painting it camoflauge if you're in hiding.

That's all I've got for now. Also, the link to Sauron's helmet is down.

May 27, 2008 9:19 PM

RPM said:

All good suggestions, but never, ever underestimate the home buyer's insatiable lust for spray-painted bronze.

Bronzing works on anything, including dime-store light fixtures or the entire kitchen sink. Sure, the faucet won't turn, but who wants water damage to dull the blazing luster of bronze spray paint?

How do I know? Kirsten Kemp just whispered into my ear.

May 27, 2008 11:26 PM

Who? said:

I was wondering how you were paying for all those nice shiny new things you've been showing up with lately. I now know you've gotten in to this whole flipping craze. I hope your post becomes the number one resource on the internets for wanna-be flippers.

May 28, 2008 9:42 AM

TheExpat said:

Sorry I'm late to the party. This is a MUST READ for any prospective flipper or those who are just new to the game. However, for those of you who are savvy already, here's a little secret that is ESSENTIAL to flipping in a post-Sub-Prime, bear market environment:

Hire Tony Little as your lease representative. You know Tony from his series of serene late-night infomercials. I know what you're thinking: How can this master of subtlety POSSIBLY have time to help me? The Answer: energy drinks. Tony can take any bought-at-a-loss disaster and turn it into gold with his reticent yet suave salesmanship.

May 28, 2008 9:31 PM

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