Coming Clean

June 18, 2008 11:42 PM

omeone once made some remark about the level of honesty I display here. It's what the whole thing is about, right? Being honest? I think so.

But I haven't been honest lately. It's not that I've been dishonest, either, really. It's just that I haven't come on here and vented about whatever's been going on. Part of it is that, due to events I will touch on in this post, I've been incredibly bored and restless lately. In short, I've been depressed. But I haven't really been talking to anyone around me about what's been on my mind, either. I guess I don't want to be this whiny piece of shit. And I feel stupid about the whole thing, too.

Anyway, I want to talk about what's been on my mind. But, blogging being what it is, I can't be too direct about it. So I've tried to think of an analogy. But nothing's coming to mind, really. So I'll just circle around my point and hope that it comes across in some way.

There are so, so many reasons not to like me. I'm an extremely arrogant man, but even I recognize that I have some pretty serious flaws: I'm overweight, I'm obnoxious, I'm loud, I'm offensive, my face isn't symmetrical, I'm extremely arrogant. I mean, I think that if you were to sit down and weight the pros and cons, you'd find that I'm worth your time, but that doesn't mean that it wouldn't be close sometimes. And I can understand why people might not be willing to even give me that much consideration. I'm aware of all these things and I'm cool with it; this is who I am, and you can all go fuck yourselves if you don't like it.

I think I've mentioned before that the very concept of who I am has caused various people--not just women--to decide that they don't want anything to do with me. Again, this is something I'm cool with, and chances are I wouldn't like those people at all, anyway. In some other universe--a universe in which I am less of an asshole, perhaps--I have ten times the friends and women are all over me. But I don't really want to be less of an asshole, and I don't see why I should be. I can rein it in when I have to. My colleagues, for example, don't think I'm an unmitigated and uncouth ass. At least I don't think they do.

But the point is that I know my failings and I know that they're likely to put off some large proportion of the population. The percentage of people in the world that I might potentially be friends with or date is smaller than for most people simply because I am me. I'm aware of that and I accept it. But here's what fucks with my mind: let's say someone puts up with all my flaws or--unbelievably--enjoys them. It's been known to happen. Anyway, let's say someone genuinely, actually, demonstrably likes me. That doesn't happen very often. It just doesn't. So I get excited when it does. And let's say that things seem like they might be really, really cool. And then let's say that, through no real fault of either party, the whole thing explodes. That's why I've been sad--because things exploded and it wasn't even my fault.

If things are going to explode, I want them to be my fault. If things are going to go wrong, I want it to be because I did something wrong. I can deal with that. I can blame myself and learn my lesson and get on with things. What I cannot deal with is the Universe stepping in and deciding that I don't deserve what I want. Because fuck that and fuck whatever the fuck else, I just want there to be some fucking reason for things other than that this is how things worked out here and now but given identical objects and slightly different initial conditions, things would be peachy.

Fuck that.

And that's what's been on my mind.

5 Comments

estefanita said:

add control feak to your list. when things explode you want it exploding your way, damn it! it is actually an almost admirable quality, not very many people take responsibility for their actions. but as a friend with friendly advice, at the risk of sounding cosmic, maybe there is a reason that just isn't clear yet, or will make sense later. try not to be depressed about something you can't change and work on what you can. but it's ok to be depressed for a while too, unreasonable explosions suck.

June 19, 2008 3:35 PM

Dee said:

hang in there, man. it's pretty unusual that anyone (even with an asymmetrical face) is 100% responsible for any conflict situation. sometimes shit that is out of your control is just going to happen. doesn't make it suck any less, but it's better than believing you can take responsibility for every single thing that happens to you.

June 19, 2008 7:46 PM

Vice said:

Ismael, I would like to say something helpful. But I'm coming up short. So, in the spirit of our esteemed Mr. Utah, I will attempt to cheer you up, if only for a moment:

"We were at a party
His ear lobe fell in the deep
Someone reached in and grabbed it
It was a rock lobster

We were at the beach
Everybody had matching towels
Somebody went under a dock
And there they saw a rock
It wasn't a rock
It was a rock lobster

Motion in the ocean
His air hose broke
Lots of trouble
Lots of bubble
He was in a jam
S'in a giant clam

Down, down

Underneath the waves
Mermaids wavin'
Wavin' to mermen
Wavin' sea fans
Sea horses sailin'
Dolphins wailin'

Red snappers snappin'
Clam shells clappin'
Muscles flexin'
Flippers flippin'

Down, down

Let's rock!

Boy's in bikinis
Girls in surfboards
Everybody's rockin'
Everybody's fruggin'

Twistin' 'round the fire
Havin' fun
Bakin' potatoes
Bakin' in the sun

Put on your noseguard
Put on the lifeguard
Pass the tanning butter

Here comes a stingray
There goes a manta-ray
In walked a jelly fish
There goes a dogfish
Chased by a catfish
In flew a sea robin
Watch out for that piranha
There goes a narwhale
HERE COMES A BIKINI WHALE!

Rock Lobster!
Rock Lobster!"

June 19, 2008 9:26 PM

Ismael Tapia II said:

Estefanita,
I guess I am a bit of a control freak in some respects. It's just easier for me to deal with things that are my fault, I think. I just don't like the feeling that it wasn't my choices but the universe or fate or whatever that lead to a given result.

And maybe there is some cosmic reason for why things happened the way they did, but that still pisses me off--i don't want the cosmos making decisions for me!

Dee,
Yeah, I know it's usually lots of people's fault, but it doesn"t make it suck any less.

Mr. Vice,
Wow--those really were all the lyrics to "Rock Lobster," weren't they?

June 24, 2008 1:02 PM

Who? said:

I knew there was something I didn't like about you, but just could never put my finger on it. Thanks to this post I've realized it's your non-symmetrical face.

June 26, 2008 8:18 AM

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