<-No More Musical Masturbation! |Main|Grammar for Idiots, Part II->

I Fucking Hate You, Hillary Fucking Clinton

June 4, 2008 12:42 AM

'm going to draw an analogy between what Hillary Fucking Clinton has been up to and a not entirely hypothetical from my own life. First I'll present what Hillary Fucking Clinton actually did, then I'll make a plausible analogy about myself. For context, I'll be using a hypothetical about the one time I've run for an elected position in my life: Law Review elections.

What Hillary Fucking Clinton did: Acknowledge that the delegates from Florida and Michigan wouldn't count but then campaign there, anyway.

Hypothetical analogy from my own life: Proxy voting is allowed at Law Review elections, but only if the Editor-in-Chief gives prior consent. If someone just doesn't show up, they lose their vote, end of story. So the analogous situation would be if I had asked people who I knew weren't going to show up to vote for me and then was like "oh, no, dudes, it's totally cool--I know this isn't going to count. I'm just saying, you know, you should cast your not-gonna-count vote for me. Totally."

What Hillary Fucking Clinton did: Presumed she'd win because of an entirely irrational sense of entitlement.

Hypothetical analogy from my own life: This would be like if I had walked into Law Review elections and had the opening line of my EIC speech be "My name is Ismael Tapia II and I am your new EIC. You will bow down before me and kiss my ring! If you are a woman, I may be scheduling some private cite-checking tutoring. You will be cite-checking my penis," then ripped off my suit to reveal a t-shirt with the slogan "I am your EIC, bitch, and you cannot stop me!" My point is it would be bad form.

What Hillary Fucking Clinton did: Started arguing that the delegates she agreed wouldn't count--but campaigned for, anyway--should, you know, count.

Hypothetical analogy from my own life: This would be like if I had started ranting and raving about how people who didn't show up to elections should nonetheless have their votes counted. It would have gone something like this:

Fuck you, you fucking fucking fascist fucks! This is supposed to be a democracy, right? And if there's one fucking thing I know about democracy, it's that it involves voting. And the whole point of voting is to have those votes counted. Goddamn you, you fucking fucks! This is like poll taxes and shit! Saying you have to actually "be" at elections and follow the "rules" everyone "got together" and "debated" and "agreed on" is like implementing literacy tests! Do you fuckers not see that! I'm fucking better! I'm fucking better! I'm fucking better! Look at my shirt! It says "I am your EIC, bitch, and you cannot stop me!" Read my shirt! Get the fuck away from me! Read my shirt!
The difference between what actually happened and the hypothetical analogy from my life, of course, is that the people on Law Review would have had the good sense to have me arrested. They would not have met me and my ridiculous demands in the middle.

What Hillary Fucking Clinton did: Inch closer and closer to her inevitable defeat but--because of the aforementioned sense of entitlement--refuse to admit that her campaign was dead in the water with the net result being a divisive, wasteful, stupid primary process.

Hypothetical analogy from my own life: This would be as if I had, during the counting process, stood up and revealed that I had dynamite strapped to my chest and made it clear that if I didn't win, I'd blow the whole fucking Law Review up because, goddammit, I love it and I should win. Then I'd start stamping my foot and wailing about how much I deserved to win because I had the best cite-checking scores and the most Golden Bluebook awards. Then I'd scream about how I was totally "cereal" and everyone who didn't vote for me could go fuck themselves. Then I'd say "If I can't be EIC, then no one can!" and push the button on my fucking dynamite belt. Then it wouldn't actually be dynamite, it would be flour, and everyone would just be covered in white shit. Maybe this hypothetical analogy broke down towards the end, but you get the point.

What Hillary Fucking Clinton did: Lost, but then refused to admit that it was numerically impossible for her to become the fucking nominee.

Hypothetical analogy from my own life: This would be like if, after I lost, I started giving ridiculous orders like that we were changing the name of the Law Review to the Tapia Law Review of Shit that Our Glorious Editor-in-Chief Thinks Is Interesting or Whatever and refused to respond to anyone who referred to me as anything other than "Chief Tapia." I personally would probably take it further and threaten to expel any pretenders to my throne. Then I'd get extremely paranoid and decide that everyone wanted to take my power from me, so I'd kick everyone out and run the Law Review myself. And then I'd be happy!

What Hillary Fucking Clinton did: Hint that she'd totally be up for being Obama's running mate.

Hypothetical analogy from my own life: This would be like if, after losing the election but nonetheless declaring myself Unquestioned Lord and Master Editor-in-Chief of the Law Review Forever in Perpetuity, I said "But, listen, I'm totally open to being Senior Managing Editor or something. Just remember--I'm also the Emperor of all this shit right here."

My point is that Hillary Fucking Clinton is fucking crazy and she needs to grow a beard and sink into obscurity like Al Gore did after the 2000 election. God, I fucking hate you, Hillary Fucking Clinton.



3 Comments


Vice said:

This whole thing was hilarious, particularly because some of your analogies sound like things you might actually say in real life, depending on the circumstances. But by far my favorite line is the following:

"If you are a woman, I may be scheduling some private cite-checking tutoring. You will be cite-checking my penis."

That's about on par with Superbad's "my back is actually on my cock" line.

June 4, 2008 8:50 AM



Justine Henin said:

Hillary has just been going through her options. One of the few remaining options is 'assassinate obama', which will probably be enacted soon, vince foster style.

I just read this cnn article that talked about what other countries are reporting about the hillary/obama thing. I'm wondering if you would agree that they have no understanding of what is going on at all. they are reporting that hillary's demise is due to her having 'outdated policies' and 'her husband Bill'. Really, the explanation seems to have nothing to do with that. (its not like hillary and obama have views on issues.) it seems to have more to do with the fact that 'its like, totally cool to like obama' and, most importantly, that 'hillary is a huge fucking bitch that everyone just instinctively hates unless they are a liberal white woman under 65'.

for my money, my favorite is "I'm fucking better! Look at my shirt! It says "I am your EIC, bitch, and you cannot stop me!" Read my shirt! Get the fuck away from me! Read my shirt!". It is so easy for me to hear you saying that--perhaps in a dream sequence on a TV show where you play a ridiculously exaggerated version of yourself. (maybe that's the next step after the blog hits it big)

June 4, 2008 10:47 AM



TheExpat said:

Way to keep things relevant while pandering to your hetero-normative base, Ismael. The only things missing here is either a couple of poop jokes, use of 'pwned' in a sentence, or a reference to some campy date movie involving sex with a donkey.

As for the relevant parts, I'm glad that I'm not paying attention to this whole primary election. It's also a goddamned shame Ron Paul won't be the Repub's candidate, because he's ultimately the least scary guy from either major party. McCain and Clinton are phony-baloney party tools, and Obama's just getting by on personality. Hell, I don't even agree with everything Ron Paul says he wants, he's just friggin' forthright.

June 4, 2008 10:42 PM



Leave a comment