Here is No Why

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Concerning Pyrokinesis and Cowardice

July 4, 2008 2:21 AM

ne of my cousins once observed that I was a strange kid. At the time, I took offense. "I wasn't strange," I insisted. But she has a son that's only two years younger than me, so she knew what was going on in the teenage universe at the time, and the fact of the matter is that I was a strange kid.

As lazy as I am, and as much as I half-assed school and whatever else, the fact of the matter is that, emotionally, I'm not half-assed at all. I throw myself into things, people, causes, vendettas, and ideas more readily than I think most people do.

I remember one time in college Mr. X had an emotional personality test. Mr. X was the "Cool Cucumber," someone who neither felt nor expressed deep emotions due to normal occurrences. I was the opposite. I can't remember the name, but I was the person who felt and expressed everything to an exaggerated degree. Surprising, right?

I didn't drink in high school. I mean, I guess I consumed some amount of alcohol before I graduated, but I had never been drunk. That changed in college. Still, for a long time, I was ashamed of the fact that I could drink well. Then I grew to love the fact that there were few people who could drink as well as me.

Why am I telling you all this? Well, it's because I'm about to make two rather embarrassing revelations about myself.

I've written frequently about The House--the house that I was almost always at in college. And I think I've mentioned more than once how the people who lived there would host frequent booze-fueled parties. But what I haven't mentioned is that every time I went to the bathroom while drunk at The House, I held my left hand out in front of me and imagined that I was pyrokinetic.

I don't know why I imagined that I could control fire with my mind, but I did.

Actually, I just lied to you. I know exactly why I imagined that I could control fire with my mind--I imagined it because I was somehow convinced that if I could, in fact, control fire with my mind, I could make things better. Maybe I'd need to be able to control more than fire. Maybe, given complete telekinesis, I could fix everything that's wrong with the world. Yeah, maybe drunk Ismael is that arrogant.

But, of course, neither I nor anyone else can fix anything simply by existing.

There are moments--for example, when I'm drunk and imagining that I can control flames with my mind--when I think I'm qualified to handle the world's problems. There are, however, other moments--for example, when I'm sober and thinking clearly--when I realize that there are plenty of difficult questions without easy answers.

Life is a series of problems, and how we deal with those problems determines who we are.

So far, I've been a coward.

1 Comments

NT Is All In said:

Bro, you are a stange kid. I don't know where to even start. How about with asking how many people do you know that operate a blog? A blog where you share your most inner thoughts and weaknesses? A blog where you post a picture of you wearing an Abe Lincoln top hat. I wouldn't call you a coward, but I would call you strange. I don't even know where to start to express why I think you are strange. But if I were successful in articulating why I thought you were strange, I would be projecting my values on you. I guess that is why I am compelled to comment to this post. Being "strange" and "normal" is a function of someone's values, often not your own. Well, unless those values are yours or someone that you really care a whole hell of a lot about, fuck em. Be yourself. If you are uncomfortable with yourself, then modify your behavior and who you are. However, if you are cool with you, fuck everyone else. Trust me, at the end of the day if you try to please yourself and those most close to you, you will be happy, whether you control fires or not. Superman says so.

July 5, 2008 3:34 AM