Here is No Why

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Happy Birthday, Mom

August 25, 2008 11:47 PM

friend of mine has a nine-year-old son. The kid is pretty smart and charismatic. But he also craves attention like you wouldn't believe. I like the kid, but he can be very, very annoying. I mean, not more than any other nine-year-old, I'm sure. And not in a malicious way. He just wants attention and sometimes he doesn't understand that people are doing other things at the moment.

I'm telling you this, Mom, because the last time I was interacting with this child I realized something horrific: that this kid, as obnoxious as he can be, is no where near as terrible as I'm sure I was. I always had a slew of questions, and I needed the answers now. And I didn't understand how various things--for example, that you had just gotten home from a long day at work and wanted two seconds of peace and quiet before being inundated with queries about completely irrelevant bullshit--might mean that it was better for me to wait just a few minutes. I wanted your attention all the time. If a second passed during which the Universe was not focused on me, I spent it trying to make sure it was. I constantly made unreasonable demands of your time, money, and patience. I was selfish.

My worst sin, though, was that I never, ever told you how much I appreciated all the things you did for me. You did so much for me so well, and I was too selfish and stupid to tell you that it meant the world to me. And I was too lazy and pathetic to help you, even when I recognized that I could in some way. But you've never held any of that against me, and you've never let me down. Ever.

You're the most generous, most caring person I know. You put up with me because I'm your son, but you bring that same patience to everything you do. You're the least selfish person I know. In fact, the only flaw I think you have is that you don't think of yourself enough.

But perhaps the thing I admire most about you is your seemingly bottomless strength. Because of you, my life has been completely devoid of real hardship of any kind. The only suffering I've ever experienced I've brought on myself, and you were always there to help and support me when I was stupid enough to get into one of those situations. But you've done things in your life that would break most people. You've been through things that would scare most people to death, and yet I've never seen you be scared. I've seen you be worried, I've seen you be anxious, and I've seen you resign yourself to accepting whatever's going to happen. But I've never seen you be scared. Not when faced with financial hardship, not when faced when cancer. Never.

You are my hero--there isn't anyone I look up to or respect more than you.

And I wanted to tell you that because you deserve to hear it and I think that I can mash together words effectively enough now to put something together that approaches expressing how much I love you.

So happy birthday, Mommy.