I have never been a fan of John Mayer. I don't particularly like being whispered to by another dude. But then I saw this cover he did of Tom Petty's "Free Fallin'" and now I pretty much think he's the worst thing that ever happened to the concept of music. Check it out:

Seriously, what the fuck? Since when does stripping all the actual energy out of a song and replacing it with supersmooth, adult-contemporary-inspired, generic, repetitive bullshit count as "good"? His vocal delivery on this song suggests that he has about as much soul as a prostitute. He sounds like a fucking whispering duck that's about to die under the weight of his own earnestness. He's a fucking failure.

Then someone leaves this comment on the video: "To me it seems like he "means" and "feels" this song WAY more than the original, sorry to say :)" Is this person being sarcastic? Is he in some hospital after having suffered severe head trauma in a parachuting accident or something? Because otherwise, what the fuck?

God!

And also, bonus rant, why the fuck does everyone fucking love Jack White so much?

Music sucks.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)| Filed under Funny Shit , Music Reviews , Rants

Yeah, so I cheated with the title and just translated. Fuck you.

Anyway, another strong episode. The season-two purge continues, which is not at all a bad thing. Not at all. I can honestly say that I won't miss a single one of the characters that's been excised so far. I'll be sad if they completely eliminate Elle, but that's mostly because Kristen Bell is, well, extremely cute-hot. Plot-wise, I recognize that she doesn't really bring a whole lot to the table, although I did enjoy seeing her and Claire interact.

Speaking of Claire, she continues to be rather, umm, dumb. Let's recap: her father works for a shady company that knows about and manipulates people with abilities. And her involvement with that company has had numerous terrible consequences. So as soon as she finds out that there's another shady company that knows about and manipulates people with abilities, she's all "Hey, yeah, let's go right to their headquarters." I don't know if that's the smartest plan ever. I mean, she's a reckless teenager with the added advantage of being invulnerable, but c'mon.

So what's going on at Pinehearst, exactly? Lots of shit. First of all, there's depowered Peter, trying to figure out what the fuck is up with his father. I actually think Mr. Petrelli is the most compelling villain the show's had since Sylar's peak. He's cold, calculating, extremely powerful, and ruthless. He's everything a good villain should be. Add in the Darth Vader-esque familial conflict, and the whole thing works for me. Another thing that works for me is Sylar--I like what's happened with him so far. I like that he's sort of still very smart, cunning, and manipulative, but he's using that power for good instead of evil. Or, well, sort of--telekinetically throwing your brother out of a window but using your ability to to slow him down enough to survive is sort of brilliant and terrible at the same time. Also, did you have to cut it so close?

Also at Pinehearst is Mohinder, now seemingly over his whole "I'm an evil lizard" phase. What appeared to be some sort of compulsion before is now, well, not. I mean, he didn't splooge a single person to the wall in this episode. That's just not believable. And look! Yet again he's taken up with some shady company doing some shady research. Fuck, do these people not learn?

Hiro was barely in the thing, but I think his story arc is supposed to be the focus next time. And we're supposed to get some good revelatory shit, so that's good and I'm looking forward to it.

Finally, I really liked the Parkman story again. Daphne's growing on me, and I'm curious to see who's side she's really on. Although, come on, how can you fool a mind reader?

I'm going to stop writing about Heroes right there and instead write about Chuck for just a second. Listen up, if you're not watching Chuck, you should start. It's smart, funny, and, above all, entertaining. Also, Yvonne Strahovski is really, really, really, really hot. Or extremely cute? Actually she's the most amazing combination of the two. But don't take my word for it:

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 11:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)| Filed under

The ten-year anniversary of my graduation from high school is quickly approaching. This is making me feel old. Very much so, in fact. But more than that, it started making me feel nostalgic. I mean, high school wasn't the best time of my life or anything, but it also wasn't the worst. (The worst, incidentally, was the one-and-a-half-year period immediately following high school.) I had some fun during those four years, and I actually knew some cool people. And I dropped out of touch with the vast majority of them in the intervening years.

But, with the advent of Facebook and MySpace, I've started finding a bunch of these people again. And something sort of interesting happened: I stopped being nostalgic. See, I searched for a bunch of people from my high school on Facebook. And I found a bunch of them. But I didn't want to friend very many of them at all. Then I found that someone had created a profile for "Apaches 99." (We were the Nogales High School Apaches, and I graduated in 1999.) So I friended that profile and then started looking through that person's friends. I found one person--one person!--that I wanted to "friend." And even then, that person wasn't really my friend in high school. She was more an acquaintance all through my time in Nogales and she ended up being really, really, ridiculously hot. That's mostly why I friended her--I wanted to see more of her pictures.

I mean, that's not counting people from high school I had already friended independent of this whole nostalgia thing. And I started thinking: if I had to do high school over again, I'd do almost all of it completely different. Here are some specific things I'd change.

1. I'd be friends with different people. I don't mean that I wouldn't be friends with any of the people I was friends with. I'm thinking specifically of my two "best friends." I spent a whole fuck load of my time in high school hanging out with them and thereby not meeting new people, not talking to girls, and not feeling good about myself. Nowadays, lots of people accuse me--rightfully, I might add--of being far too picky about who I hang out with. But I apparently was the opposite of that in high school. I was so insecure and unconfident that I hung out with these two guys that were, objectively speaking, almost entirely worthless.

   Meanwhile, I was surrounded by not worthless people. I had plenty of acquaintances that were cool, social, outgoing, and altogether nicer to me than my idiot friends. So if I had it to do over again, I'd be more open to hanging out with different people and the novel experiences they would have brought with them.



2. I'd try harder at school. I spent some time Facebook chatting with that one hot girl that I friended, and one of the things she told me was that she always thought that I was very smart. I think a lot of people thought that about me, actually. But the thing is that, like a young Anakin Skywalker, my abilities made me arrogant. I didn't have to work to understand things. Not at first, anyway. As a result, I was extremely lazy, academically speaking. This started to catch up to me towards the end of high school, but it really slammed me during college. Oh, and law school. I never developed any sort of study skills at all. So my raw intelligence might have been an asset, but I didn't cultivate that when I was in high school and the result was that I was a mediocre student all through college and law school.

   But more importantly, because I knew that I could understand high school math and history and whatever else well enough to pass the classes without working at all, I didn't learn much. I didn't read, I didn't study. So I went into college as an incredibly ill-informed person. And I'm still trying to make up for that now. And that sucks.



3. I'd be more outgoing. As self-defeating as recent posts might make me seem, i was even worse ten years ago. I was afraid to put myself out there or to take a stand. I was afraid to stand up for myself, even. And the result was that I came off as a pushover. And when I think back on that, I'm really sad about it because that's not ever what I want to be and I'm sad that it's something that I was.

I could go on, but I think those are really the most crucial ones. It's not that I regret everything I was back then. To the contrary, I think that everything that makes me who I am now was there then, too. I just wish that I had had the strength to be myself rather than to let myself be influenced by the stupid, ridiculous people I was sometimes surrounded by.

Anyway, ten years since high school. That's not funny.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 5:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Rants

On her blog, Butterflyfish posted a meme where people are supposed to comment and one of the things she's supposed to do is ask a question they've always wanted to ask you. I, being the attention whore that I am, posted. And the question she asked me? "What stops you from doing something like Match.com?"

So, here's the answer. Actually, three answers, all of which are true.

First of all, I keep picturing this conversation where I first tell people that I'm seeing someone. They'll be all "How did you meet?" And in my mind, I cringe when mental-me says "Online." Part of me knows that's stupid. I mean, I've met people online. And I know that plenty of others have done this and it went well. But I just can't get over it. Like, here I am, this guy who's spent his whole life talking about how much he wants not to be alone. My friends already probably think I'm a pathetic loser. And if they don't think that, then they at least feel sorry for me or something. I just feel like it would be the ultimate sad thing for me to admit that I can't find anyone in the real world, so I have to turn to some computer matchmaking thing or something.

That leads to reason number two. Everyone in the world has been able to find someone around them in the real world to be with. Even giant, unmitigated douche bags. I mean, I see idiots walking around with cute girls all the time. Now, granted, I don't want those girls. But you see what I'm saying. So I'm sitting here thinking that if these failures can meet someone in the real world, I, a non-failure by some standards, should be able to, too.

Finally, I'm fairly convinced that even if I had access to every single woman in the world, I'd still find absolutely no one I was interested in who was also interested in me. I started thinking a long time ago that I'm just always going to be alone, and the only thing that keeps me thinking that maybe that's not the case is the fact that there are always more women to meet. If I met them all--or if I had access to a large number of them through some webpage--and still found no one, that would pretty much be it for me. And I don't want to have my worst fear confirmed.

Anyone else got some questions?

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Life Sucks Sometimes

Having nothing better to write about--that I want to share, anyway--I've decided to finally do this list, which I got from tRJ.

1) Copy this list, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you've eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea (I have no idea what this is.)
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile (That's gross, dude.)
6. Black pudding (Congealed blood? No. Fucking. Way.)
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari (Am I the only person in the world who doesn't like this shit?)
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich (Not until I was an adult. I don't think my mom ever made me one.)
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans (I'm Mexican, right?)
25. Brawn, or head cheese (Dude, no.)
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper (I wouldn't eat this because I would die. Ask RPM or L-Dawg about my performance with peppers some day.)
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl (Is there anything better in the whole wide world?)
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects (Just the thought makes me want to throw up. Seriously.)
43. Phaal
44. Goat's milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more (I wouldn't be opposed to doing this, but it would be wasted on me--I hate whiskey.)
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald's Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini (Yummy.)
58. Beer above 8% ABV (I'm thinking specifically of the Grim Reaper in Santa Barbara.)
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S'mores
62. Sweetbreads (I'm actually really curious about sweetbreads. Mostly, though, I'm curious about where the fuck it got the name.)
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs' legs (Mr. Vice--a notoriously picky and bland eater--got these once in Florida. It baffled me. So I've been at a table where this actually happened. But it sort of turned my stomach.)
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis (I'm willing to give this a try based solely on something I saw on the Travel Channel where they had this and said it tasted like shepherd's pie, but more meaty. I love shepherd's pie, so I'd be willing to give his a try.)
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill (Do people actually eat this shit?)
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail (Yeah, no.)
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict (I fucking made them, motherfucker.)
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse (While I firmly believe that horses are evil animals, I don't think I'd eat one.)
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake (I don't know why, but I have a strong aversion to eating this shit.)

So there you go. How about you guys?

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 12:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Funny Shit , Quiz Things

pH and I agree that this is the best episode of the season so far. A lot of the things that were good about the first season were back, one of the final remnants of the abortion that was the second season is gone, and the overall plot started to seem cohesive and focused.

I liked the Hiro and Ando parts. I appreciated that they got the whole "Hiro killed Ando" thing out of the way immediately, although it did feel sort of cheap. Still, the follow up--their exploits in Africa--were entertaining, funny, and they furthered the plot a decent amount. "They all look the same to me." "That's racist."

I also liked the stuff with Parkman and Daphne. It's good to see Parkman being sort of himself again--goofy and lighthearted but also determined. And sort of clueless and overwhelmed. Plus I also liked the earnestness with which he talked to Daphne, who also started to become less of a caricature and more of a character in this episode.

In fact, I started really like Daphne in this one. Before, she seemed extremely two-dimensional and boring. And cliche. But she started to develop a little more of a personality in this one. She's gone from a standard hero-for-hire to having at least some sort of conflict over what she and her bosses are doing. I think that'll become more and more interesting--and important--as the series goes on.

The stuff with Claire and her family was also relatively interesting. I think that Claire and her moms made a good team, but I sort of wanted to see her biomom burn some shit down. And having Mr. Bennett show up at the end was good, too, as it hinted at a future Claire-HRG team, which I'd like to see, frankly. They have an interesting dynamic and Claire's got a lot of reasons not to trust him, even though he's her dad and all.

As for the last remnants of Season Two, it looks like we're really tying that shit up. That black girl who could learn talents quickly seems to have been just ignored. One of the Mexicans is dead and the other is glued to Mohinder's wall with magic semen. And now Adam Monroe is . . . umm . . . dust. I can't say I'll miss him, really, but that scene came across to me as way more of a Nikki-and-Paolo moment than I think it was supposed to be. But that's fine with me.

As far as Mohinder and his ever-increasing strangeness, that whole storyline was probably the weakest part of the episode, except the part where Tracy tricked Mohinder into letting her freeze his fucking arm. That was awesome, and it proves that Tracy is a thousand times cooler than Nikki-Jessica ever could have hoped to be.

Finally, the stuff with Peter, Sylar, and their father, I'm very intrigued. I'm not really sure what Mr. Petrelli's power is. Is it just to permanently suck other peoples' abilities out? Does that mean Peter will never have abilities again? Or can he get them back somehow? Either way, it's good that someone hit his reset button--the number of abilities he had was getting completely out of control. And now I'm really excited to see where this goes from here. Although I am partially confused: didn't Peter take Sylar's ability so that he'd be able to understand time well enough to know when and how to intervene to prevent the disastrous future we saw? So why did the writers give him the ability, then incapacitate him, then take the ability away? There'd better be a damned good in-story explanation.

Anyway, I'm really excited for next week's episode now, which is more than I've been able to say about this show for a long time.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 11:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Heroes , Television Reviews

Most days start earlier than I'd like. I wake up, groggily shower and shave, get dressed, and go to work. Most days, I spend a lot of time thinking about my clients and our business and about the law. Most days, I get something to eat from one of the restaurants around our office. Or I eat something at home. And then, I go back to work. Or to court. Or to jail.

Most days, I wrap things up at around 4 or 5. On most days, I feel like I didn't get as much done as I should have.

Most days, I get home, change my clothes, and goof around on the internet. Or watch DVDs. Or play guitar. Or play video games. Or read. Sometimes I go out with my friends. On most days, I spend hours alone in my apartment until the world outside grows dark and I grow weary and I go to sleep. On most days, I go to sleep way too late.

Most days, most of the time, I don't even think about how fucking lonely and pathetic my life is. It's really easy to overlook and forget about that most of the time.

Sometimes something happens that makes it hard to ignore the state of affairs, though. Sometimes you get caught up in excitement and anticipation. There's this palpable feeling of electricity in the air. It's the same sort of feeling that permeates the world during fall. It's the feeling that anything could happen at any moment. The feeling that things are changing. It's exhilarating.

Sometimes things happen that shake up your boring old routine. Your phone rings in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday and you think "All of my friends are doing something with their significant others. Who the fuck is calling me?" And you answer and you're pleased with who's calling. Sometimes you go out to a fancy dinner with someone you haven't known for years and years in the middle of the week.

And then, sometimes, all of that ends abruptly. And you're forced to go back to the routine you had. Your friends are still busy or lazy or just not interested in hanging out during the week. You still have a forty-minute drive home every day. You still come home to an apartment where you know you will only have your thoughts and your cats as company. And the whole thing doesn't feel familiar or comforting. It feels stifling. It feels like a thousand pounds of disappointment.

It feels like failure.

So you look around your little apartment and everything reminds you of the fact that you're the only person there. And it's not just the fact that some person decided that they were going to actively deceive you and then disappear. It's that it's happened before, and it will happen again, and you didn't deserved any of it.

It's that you feel like the whole fucking universe is actively working against you.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 4:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Life Sucks Sometimes

When we last left our intrepid adventurer (i.e., me), I was pretty excited about the prospect of having a third date with an extremely attractive girl I met through our mutual friend, The Reeg. We had ended our last date with an agreement to go out again on the following Friday. Let's see how things played out . . . .

So, I was fairly excited and not at all discouraged by our last get together. Still, she was at an out-of-town wedding that weekend and at work during the week, so I didn't call her or whatever. I figured I had made it pretty clear I liked her, so I didn't have to reassure her or whatever, so any calls would just make me seem ridiculous. So we didn't talk at all until the Wednesday before we were supposed to go out again. I called her at about six just to see what was up and see if she had anything specific she wanted to do.

She answered the phone in a very business-like tone, giving her first and last name, like I do at work. I said "Since when do we answer the phone like I'm a client?" And she said, in a sort of relieved- and excited-sounding voice, "Sorry, I just got a new phone and I don't have all the numbers in it yet, so I didn't know it was you." So, ok, I just said that I was just calling to say hello and see what was up for Friday. She continued to sound excited, but she told me that she was at her friend's house (I had met the female friend she named), that they were about to have dinner, and that her friend was annoyed that Emily had spent so much time on the phone for work that night, so she said she'd call me back in a bit. I said that was cool.

That was at about 6pm. I did not hear from her the rest of the night. Nothing.

On Thursday afternoon, I called sometime after work. I got her voicemail. I left a message, making sure to leave my number. Nothing.

On Friday morning, I texted her, thinking that maybe she had been busy or was just generally flaky or something. Nothing.

Frustrated and pretty angry, I called Friday afternoon, just because I'm a dick like that. Voicemail. I left a message. Nothing.

And that's the end of the story. That was about a month ago. I have never heard another word from Emily. Neither, by the way, has The Reeg, our mutual friend.

So this is how my life goes. Thoughts?

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 9:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Life Sucks Sometimes

I'm going to tell you guys a story, and I'd love it if you could let me know what you think. Specifically, I'm going to ask you a question at the end, and I'd like your reasoned answers to it. If you want to make fun of me and stuff, that's fine, too, but at least be creative about it. If you already know how this story plays out, please don't ruin the ending. Cool?

Ok, here's the story.

I was introduced to a girl--let's call her Emily--by a mutual friend, The Reeg. The first time we met, we went to a gay bar, I was extremely funny and charming (and half naked, but that's a different story) and Emily bought me a drink. Then we went back to our friend's place and hung out for a bit. We left at the same time and, on the walk to our cars, I suggested we get some food. So we did, and we went to Perkin's, where we stayed until, like, 4am. Because I am an idiot, however, I did not get her number.

Sometime during the next couple of weeks, The Reeg and Emily ran into each other at a bar and, at some point, Emily asked The Reeg about me. I'm not really sure what she said, but she asked, you know, what I was about or something like that. The Reeg told me because, well, pretty much everyone was rooting for me on this one. And I thought it was sort of interesting that Emily asked about me.

A few weeks after that, a bunch of us were out again, and Emily ended up meeting up with us. There was this guy with her that was all over her, so I was sort of discouraged. But then I talked to The Reeg, who told me that the guy was a coworker of Emily's and that he was a douche and she didn't really like him but couldn't be rude because of the whole coworker thing.

Eventually, we ditched that guy and headed back to our friend's place. And we all hung out for a little while, then Emily got up to leave. As she was getting ready to go, I asked her for her number, and she gave it to me.

A few days later, I texted her to see if she wanted to do something. I didn't hear back. Not discouraged, I tried again. Nothing. Until a few days later, when she texted back, apologized, explained that she'd been busy, and said she'd make it up to me that night if I was free. I was free, so we went to the Terrace and had a few drinks.

For the first time in my life, I got a glimpse of what it might be like for other people to deal with me. This girl wasn't afraid to speak her mind, even if things might come across as mean or downright hurtful. And she totally knew how to push someone's buttons. I was intrigued, but also sort of intimidated. Still, I think I held my own.

We both had to work the next morning, so we called it an early night. I walked her to her car and made some joke about wanting to see her topless. You'll have to take my word for it when I say that such a comment was totally appropriate given the conversation and what I thought to be her sense of humor. When we got to her car, she hugged me and told me to call her.

So a few days later, I called her. We agreed that we wanted to get together again, so we set out to plan it out. As it turned out, the next few weeks were hectic for both of us, but we decided that we could have dinner on the Thursday of that week between 6 and 8. On Thursday afternoon, I got a text from her at 5. She said she was stuck in a meeting at her new job and that she wasn't sure she'd be able to make it. I texted back that it was cool, and that she should let me know what was up. About half an hour later, I got another text. She told me she was still there and that she was sorry and that hopefully we could reschedule. I responded that she should call me when she was done and we could work something out. At 6, she called me. She was on a break from her meeting and we sort of talked a little.

She said she didn't want to be at the meeting anymore because she wasn't getting anything out of it. I said she should just get up and leave. She said that doing that would make her seem like a bitch. I said that she was a bitch and that her coworkers would realize that soon enough, so she might as well get it out there and get the fuck out of this meeting. She said I had a good point. Then she went back to her meeting.

At 6:30, she called and told me that she had taken my advice and left the meeting. We talked about when we could get together, and it turned out that we were both busy that weekend and she was out of town for work Monday through Wednesday of the following week, so Thursday would be the first opportunity. So we made plans for that Thursday.

On Monday, I texted her. I knew she'd be out of town, so I just wanted to say hello. She texted back, and I replied. And then she called, which I had not been expecting since she had said at the Terrace that she wasn't a chatter and hated being on the phone. She explained that she was going to text back, but got lazy and just called. We spoke on the phone for almost an hour. She said that she was really excited to get together on Thursday and that she wanted to do something "fun." We also talked about various other things we could do together.

I took all of this as a good sign, but, having learned from previous experiences, I tried very hard to keep myself from getting all excited. I talked it over with various people, and got the green light to be moderately excited. I adopted that posture.

Thursday rolled around. I made reservations for a moderately nice restaurant. After some initial confusion about what we wanted to do, we got to the restaurant and ate and whatever. Dinner was fun and things went really well. I was totally hilarious and entertaining. Her mannerisms and laughter confirmed this, I think. About three-quarters of the way through dinner, she started looking sort of out of it, though. I asked what was up, and she said she was just getting a headache. We had dessert and then got the check. I paid. She made no attempt to cover her part of the meal or whatever.

We went outside and hung out while she had a cigarette. Then we got in my car and I started to drive her home. I told her that if her headache was bad, I could just drop her off and we could hang out later. She said that she wanted to go ahead with our plans, which were to watch an Obama speech at her place. But when we got to her parking lot, she said "hey, would it be really lame if I just went home and went to bed? I feel really bad about doing it, but my head really hurts and I honestly feel like throwing up and I'm just not going to be any fun right now." And I said that was fine, and she said "I'll make it up to you. I'm really sorry. When are you free next week?" And I looked at my calendar (yeah, ok, that's lame. But whatever, fuck you) and asked when she had in mind. She said "How about Friday? That way we can go out and do whatever and not have to worry about being up early for work so we can do something fun and really go out." And that sounded great to me, so I said I was free on Friday. And we made plans for Friday.

Then I said that if she really wanted to make things up to me, she should kiss me. So she smiled and leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. I was sort of put off by the whole cheek thing, but I figured that I wouldn't want to make out with someone if my head hurt so much that I wanted to throw up, so I didn't think much of it.

So that's the end of Part I. Now here's the question: at this stage, based on what I've told you, and without speculating about what might happen in Part II, does this girl like me? Does she like me a little, a lot, or not at all? What do you all think?

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 10:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)| Filed under Existential Nonsense

Another week, another episode of Heroes.

This time around, we get more on Claire, HRG and Sylar, Nathan, Mohinder, and Hiro.

Claire, as it turns out, is really, really bad at taking down "villains"--a phrase the episodes uses way the fuck too much, by the way. Anyway, Claire would be the worst public defender in the world: "Oh, sure, I understand. Here's my credit card number. You promise you're only gonna use it to buy food for your kids, right?" So, when the guy she's after--Bubbles from The Wire, here with the ability to open vortexes (how the fuck does some genetic abnormality allow one to mentally control the opening and location of "vortexes," by the way?)--convinces her he's really a good guy, she buys it. Then he tries to kill her.

Now, granted, the guy freaked out because HRG showed up with fucking Sylar in tow. Which also caused Claire to freak out, given that Sylar power-raped Claire. But it's ok, says HRG, because he's got an easy, three-step plan. Step one: lie to your daughter. Step two: try to do something ridiculous and cold-blooded. Step three: justify steps one and two by saying that it's all to protect your daughter. The exact circumstances might be different, but the pattern is exactly the same. And it never goes well for anyone. So Mr. Bennet needs to fucking learn that if you want your daughter to trust you, you have to trust her, too. Asshole.

Sylar is present, but only as an afterthought, really. Although he does appear to be making strides to redeem himself, so that's ok. But also not since I still think that the best thing the producers could have done with him was kill him at the end of the first season since he was such an awesome villain. Part of that, of course, was the complete lack of remorse. That's not so much the case anymore, so while I don't mind where they're taking his character, I still think he's overstayed his welcome.

Meanwhile, Nathan's running around trying to figure out what's going on with Tracy Strauss. Turns out Mrs. Petrelli gave Nathan his powers, but risked his life in doing so. So Nathan finally tells her where she can go. Which is all very well and good and does do something to demonstrate that Nathan's moral center is growing, except when you consider that it took him finding out that his mom almost killed him to get him to part ways with her. Nevermind that whole plan she had to blow up New York City--Nathan was gonna be just fine then. So, yeah, the symbolism here is kind of a wash.

Mohinder's getting even fucking stranger. He's not even really talking anymore. He's just sort of... pasting people to his wall using some kind of... magical semen, from the looks of it. Anyway, it's gross and weird and really, really sort of random. I'm not a fan.

But the thing I liked the least was the scene where Hiro fucking stabbed Ando. What. The. Fuck. All I can say on that front is that there had better be some fucking damned good explanation for why Hiro did that so fucking abruptly. Wasn't it just, like, last episode where they talked about how much they meant to each other? And now Hiro's just stabbing Ando? Fuck that. Unless there's some serious explanation, this might go down as one of the most unbelievable things in the series thus far. And that's counting the guy who can create abnormalities in the space-time continuum using his mind due to some genetic defect.

Anyway, all of that was really secondary, I suppose, to the big reveal of the episode. First, we finally find out what the fuck has been going on with Mr. Linderman appearing to Nathan--and Daphne!--from beyond the grave. It turns out that it's all the elder Parkman working his patented tricks. And he's working for... Mr. Petrelli, who's alive, but barely. And he's apparently a pretty big dick. Such a dick, in fact, that he paralyzes his wife, who is freaked the fuck out by him. So this is promising.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 11:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)| Filed under Heroes , Television Reviews

After last week, I was feeling sort of beaten down and worthless. I had gotten my ass handed to me several times in court, and I wasn't happy about it. I was feeling like a failure, frankly.

Then this week, a whole lot of good things happened. I mean, I didn't win a trial or anything, but I got some fairly good results for my clients, and that's what's really important, I think.

So I did the only thing I thought was reasonable: I took a half day today. Yup, I drove to the office, made my one scheduled appearance for the day, then did a few small administrative things, then called it quits. I believe Mr. Vice called it fairly early, too. Frankly, I woke up way earlier than I normally do the past two days and I've been billing a lot and having a shitload of actually productive appearances lately. So fuck you, I deserved it.

So what did I do with my free time? I slept on my couch while episodes from the first season of The West Wing played in the background. It was awesome.

And now I'm going to the Terrace for probably the last time this year. I rule!

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 5:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , The Law Firm , Things I'm Irrationally Attached To

Fuck yes!

So, The Smashing Pumpkins are playing in Chicago next month for their fucking twentieth anniversary. That's fucking insane. But what's even fucking better is that I get to go. I don't have tickets yet, and no one's committed to going with me--RPM, Mr. Vice, pH, I'm looking at you guys here--but it doesn't matter. I don't care if I have to go by myself and wrestle some teenage girl for tickets, I'm going to one of these shows. I say "one of these" because they're playing fucking FOUR SHOWS in a week. I swear, if I had the money and the time I'd fucking to all four. I. Want. To. Go. So. Bad.

This has me thinking two things. First, it's been a long time since I've seen the Pumpkins. I last saw them on their tour for Machina when Melissa Auf Der Maur was their bassist. That show was pretty sweet, but it was in college. And towards the start of college, at that. So it was, like, seven years ago. So seeing them again is just about the most exciting thing I can think of.

Also, it sort of made me realize that I'm fucking old. The Pumpkins are twenty years old, having started in 1988. That's fucking crazy. And it was thirteen years ago now that they were really, really big. They're almost certainly completely irrelevant to today's teenagers. That's fucking depressing and wacky.

Mostly because I have no idea how you can be a teenager without the line "And nobody nowhere understand anything about me and all my dreams, lost at sea."

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 11:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , The Smashing Pumpkins

As it turns out, I am a terrible friend. See, Mr. Vice and pHrecently got engaged, and I neglected to say "congratulations" in a public and embarrassing forum. So, anyway Mr. Vice and pH, congratulations on your engagement. Just remember who you have to thank for your eternal bliss: that's right, me.

So, for example, let's say that you're walking down the aisle at your wedding, pH. You shouldn't be thinking about your future husband or your wonderful life together. No, you should be thinking about me. And you shouldn't just be thinking "god, I wish he would stop undressing my sister with his eyes--that's so wrong!" No, you should be thinking "I pretty much owe any future moment of happiness I have in my marriage to him. He's the best. I mean, the best after my husband. But it's close!"

And Mr. Vice, years from now, when you and pH have a cute little family going, I want you to remember, every time you look down at your children, Walker Vengeance and Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Batman!, that none of it would have happened if it wasn't for me. And I want them to call me "uncle" in an affectionate and cute way.

So, yes, it's true--you'd each be lonely, jaded recluses if it wasn't for me. But, you know what? You guys are so gosh-darned cute together that I'm officially waiving the $10,000 finders fee you each promised to pay me.

Seriously, seeing you guys together is good enough for me.

Congratulations.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 11:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Funny Shit

Valerie, a friend of mine from Wisconsin, is currently kicking it in the good ol' Flagstaff, AZ (I've never liked calling it "Flag"--anyone who does is a loser). Talking to her in the past few days has made me realize how much I love that city and how much I miss it, which is strange because I had sort of thought that I hated everything about Arizona and didn't miss it at all.

Last night, Valerie was telling me about driving from Phoenix to Flagstaff. And I couldn't help thinking about how many times I made that drive by myself or with friends. And she told me about how she drove up 89A between Sedona and Flagstaff, and my mind immediately flashed back to the millions of times I made that drive. I remember one time just after I had gotten the seXterra when my friend Karen made some remarked "Of course you don't want to be on the road, you're just thinking 'why can't I be driving over there, on the side of the road, over all those tree stumps and rocks!'" And I was thinking that. Valerie asked me where she could go for late-night cheesecake, so I looked up her hotel on Google Maps. Immediately, I realized that she was just two blocks from The House, one of the most important physical locations in my life. And I saw that the only place she could really go was down to the Denny's on Milton. And my mind flashed to that Denny's--I remember it when it was just your normal Denny's and then when it got remodeled. That's where I met Larry, the midget that got me my job at the TV station. That's where I met Princess Buttercup. That's where Lauren and I went late at night when there wasn't anything else to do but study and sleep and we didn't feel like doing either. That's where Frank and I waited for the first screening of Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

And then I told her how to get there from her hotel: just drive down Milton. And I remembered the Jack in the Box where we went so many times after a night of ridiculousness, the Hastings where Gen worked for so long, the Arby's where Mr. Morenononsense and Gen met to begin with, and I remember all the other buildings and places. And sights.

Valerie's only there for a few days, and she's doing all the touristy stuff, so she won't have a chance to even sample the nightlife. At the time, I remember that we were all frustrated with the limited options of where to go: Do you go to Flag Brew, or Charlie's, or the Monte V? Or am I so desperate for something new that I'll even go to Mogollon? Or, god forbid, the Joint or whatever the fuck it's called this week?

Man. I don't know where it came from, but hearing about her being there made me insanely jealous. I haven't been to Flagstaff since the day I left. I remember parts of that day fairly clearly. I remember we had driven all the way out east past the mall and everything else. I was driving the seXterra, Gen was in the passenger's seat. Laurie and Lauren were in the backseat. The U-Haul was attached to my car. And Mark's car was somewhere nearby, too. I remember looking out the window, seeing the landscape rolling by, and I wondered if I'd ever be back or if I'd ever miss the place.

I haven't been back, but I want to now, which I honestly never thought would happen.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 11:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Things I'm Irrationally Attached To

The fourth episode this season continues to not completely disappoint. In fact, I rather liked it. There were good amounts of plot development, character interaction, and humor--all of which served to make the show so damned good during the first season.

The main storyline involved Peter traveling into the future with the aid of Future Peter to find out what the fuck Future Peter was all pissed off about. As it turns out, the future's all fucked up because everyone has powers and some are using them for less than noble purposes. But the most startling revelations involve the switched positions we find some of our favorite characters in. First off, Claire--now older, sporting a darker wardrobe and hair, and all around hotter--is apparently a bad guy. So bad, in fact, that she kills her uncle Future Peter and then tries to kill the other Peter. And she does so with the help of that strange black guy who has some fear-based ability. And Daphne, the chick that runs really fast. Who's also married to Parkman. Who's still taking care of Molly.

But the most drastic--and funny--change was Sylar. Apparently, he somehow manages to get the "hunger" to kill people--a side effect of his ability--under control. To the point that he has a little kid. A little kid named Noah. Wonder where that name comes from?

But, anyway, seeing Sylar be all sweet and lovey dovey--without a hint of irony or creepiness--was really sort of funny and refreshing. Also, it's a new direction for the writers, so that's sort of good. You always like to see them try something new and not fail.

The reason we see Future Sylar is that Future Peter told normal Peter that he needed to get Sylar's power--the ability to intuitively understand even the most complicated things. That way, normal Peter will be able to understand how things got so fucked up in the future timeline and stop them from happening that way. So Peter absorbs Sylar's power (shouldn't he have already done that?), but he also inherits Sylar's hunger, but without Sylar's self-control. So now Peter's out to kill people, too. Oh. And Sylar told Peter that they're brothers.

I mostly liked the future scenes, especially those involving Future Claire, and not just because she was hotter. It was sort of interesting to see Claire--who has constantly been an innocent, teenage, victim--take a more active and sinister role. The scene where she's cutting Peter with the scalpel really brings home the point that things are totally fucked in the new future we're seeing. But it's also interesting because it means some really interesting things are in store for Present Claire. Remember that the last time we saw her, she went off on her own to try to use her powers for good, even though we knew that her real motivation was revenge. I really want to see where this is going.

Also vaguely interesting were the developments involving Nathan and Tracy.

Less interesting were the vision-quest story involving Present Parkman, the stuff with Hiro and Ando (although that looks like it's going to pick up), and Maya and Mohinder. I'm pretty much done with Animal Mohinder, and Maya, while hot, just isn't all that interesting or compelling or complicated or anything. It's time to get rid of both of the characters, I think.

Still promising, but I think this season's best episodes are still coming up. I hope, anyway.

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 10:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Heroes , Television Reviews

It's 9am on a Saturday. I am willingly awake so that I can go to a farmer's market.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 8:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Funny Shit

I have said and still believe that the substance of what's being said matters more than the person saying it. I think that a natural extension of that principle is that you have to try to look past the words someone uses--or misuses--to express an idea to the idea itself. It's the ideas that ultimately matter.

I really did try to apply these axioms during the vice-presidential debate tonight. But at times it became nearly impossible to find any meaning in the jumbled of words she was spewing. I mean, what the hell did she mean when she was talking about climate change? Did everyone catch the part where she said that climate change caused man's actions? That was awesome.

But, ok, it's the biggest debate of her life facing the biggest audience she's ever had. I can understand that she's nervous and stumble over her words and, though a lot of them were extremely embarrassing and are likely to get a lot of play, all of that really was secondary to the substance of her responses. Or, more accurately, the lack of substance.

Palin steadfastly refused to answer a lot of the questions. That's pretty much par for the course, sadly, and it does put her in step with both McCain and Obama's performance at their first debate. But the fact that she kept returning to her stupid talking points even when they were completely irrelevant to the question or the ensuing discussion was infuriating. We get it: energy independence, mavericks, raising taxes kills jobs. But can you explain any of those concepts? Or how you'd bring about energy independence? And how do higher taxes lead to reduced jobs, exactly? My favorite was her nonexistent Iraq exit strategy which boiled down to "basically, what we did was good."

Contrast all of this with Joe Biden. I swear, there were times during that debate when I wished that Biden was running for president instead. He was clear, articulate, and compelling. Yeah, he dodged his fair share of questions, but he answered a hell of a lot more than Palin did. To be fair, he also gave real, direct answers to a lot more questions than even Obama or McCain did. It was never in doubt that he knew much, much more about foreign and domestic policy and that he was infinitely more experienced. Still, he never talked down to Palin.

And speaking of talking down, was I the only one who thought that Palin consistently insulted the intelligence of the audience? I'm sorry--you're not going to get my vote by winking at me. You're just not. And all your folksy aphorisms just came across as forced and condescending. To me, anyway.

The best moment of the debate for me was watching Joe Biden choke up when he was talking about watching a loved one recover from a life-threatening injury. I mean, I'm sorry, but that came across as extremely genuine. In that moment, he came across as extremely human. If the rest of his performance tonight demonstrated that he is intelligent, articulate, well-informed, and thoroughly prepared, then that moment showed that he is someone who, while perhaps not quite an everyman, definitely understands that struggles of the average American. I think the anecdote about the man who doesn't know how much a full tank of gas costs because he can never afford one also helped that image.

I knew who I was voting for before this debate, and I bet most of you did, too. And I also bet none of you are considering changing your minds. But seriously, how can anyone tell me that Palin is prepared to be Vice President?

Posted by Ismael Tapia II at 11:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)| Filed under Existential Nonsense , Political Rants , Television Reviews