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An Answer

October 24, 2008 12:25 AM

n her blog, Butterflyfish posted a meme where people are supposed to comment and one of the things she's supposed to do is ask a question they've always wanted to ask you. I, being the attention whore that I am, posted. And the question she asked me? "What stops you from doing something like Match.com?"

So, here's the answer. Actually, three answers, all of which are true.

First of all, I keep picturing this conversation where I first tell people that I'm seeing someone. They'll be all "How did you meet?" And in my mind, I cringe when mental-me says "Online." Part of me knows that's stupid. I mean, I've met people online. And I know that plenty of others have done this and it went well. But I just can't get over it. Like, here I am, this guy who's spent his whole life talking about how much he wants not to be alone. My friends already probably think I'm a pathetic loser. And if they don't think that, then they at least feel sorry for me or something. I just feel like it would be the ultimate sad thing for me to admit that I can't find anyone in the real world, so I have to turn to some computer matchmaking thing or something.

That leads to reason number two. Everyone in the world has been able to find someone around them in the real world to be with. Even giant, unmitigated douche bags. I mean, I see idiots walking around with cute girls all the time. Now, granted, I don't want those girls. But you see what I'm saying. So I'm sitting here thinking that if these failures can meet someone in the real world, I, a non-failure by some standards, should be able to, too.

Finally, I'm fairly convinced that even if I had access to every single woman in the world, I'd still find absolutely no one I was interested in who was also interested in me. I started thinking a long time ago that I'm just always going to be alone, and the only thing that keeps me thinking that maybe that's not the case is the fact that there are always more women to meet. If I met them all--or if I had access to a large number of them through some webpage--and still found no one, that would pretty much be it for me. And I don't want to have my worst fear confirmed.

Anyone else got some questions?



11 Comments


butterflyfish said:

I had assumed reason #1 and was prepared to debate you on that one, using the 'always reliable' anecdotal evidence. Complie enough of that, pretty soon you got some 'data.'

Reason #3 has made me decide to drop it.

October 24, 2008 6:47 AM



Serra Angel said:

#2. Everyone with someone has found that person in the real world. Except those that found someone using online dating services.

#3. This might sound like self-help, new-age nonsense, but if you think you'll always be alone, you will be.

October 24, 2008 6:55 PM



Serra Angel said:

Oh, and as for #1, if being alone bothers you that much, get over your insecurities about online dating services. They're still around because thousands of people use them. I doubt the people who find success with those services give a shit whether people think it's pathetic that that's how they met. From what I've read about you on this blog, you wouldn't.

October 24, 2008 7:00 PM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Butterflyfish,
Now, now, don't give up so easily. I didn't mean to be so discouraging and such a downer. I was just saying what was on my mind. That fear is real, but probably unfounded. Right?

Serra Angel,
Whoa! I'm surprised that you'd take the time out of your busy schedule to comment. I mean, I'm sure that being a 4/4 flyer that can both attack and block in the same turn keeps you pretty busy. Although I have to be honest: I always thought that, at WW3, you were a little overpriced. I mean, you're too expensive for a true white weenie deck, but you're a little underpowered for a faster green-white creature deck.

But, anyway, your new-age nonsense probably has some level of truth to it. I'll try to develop a more positive attitude, but it's hard sometimes, you know?

October 25, 2008 2:23 AM



pH said:

I have a few questions. Like, are you fucking serious? I'm not saying you don't really feel this way, or that it's not ok to feel this way. But I am saying that if those are your reasons and you let them control your actions, then you don't really want to find someone as much as you say you do.

1. As mentioned above, since when do you care what people think about you? You'll rip your clothes off in bars, pick fights with bands, and tell the story about the time you threatened to kill someone with a beer can, but you're embarrassed to tell someone you met your cute, Firefly-watching, Smashing Pumpkins-listening, Superman-loving girlfriend online? Doubtful.

2. As also mentioned above, everyone has found someone in the real world except the people who hadn't. As much credit as we give you for getting us together, I would never have known who Vice was (or known to ask you to set us up) if I hadn't met him through Facebook first. One of your best friends is dating someone he met on Craigslist. Are we pathetic or just happy?

The fact is, most people find the right person by sorting through a lot of options. That's why lots of people meet their SOs in college, when they have the biggest social circles. Those douchebags with the hot girlfriends probably met them at a bar or a frat party, where scads of hot girls go to get picked up/roofied by scads of douchebags. You have a tight circle of friends who don't know a lot of single women. If you want options, you're going to have to go outside the group, and in the 21st century, the internet is always going to be the place with the most options.

3. Get over it. You take risks all the time and I've seen you go balls-out after things you really want, so why wuss out on this? You're never going to meet all of the women on the internet, or even all the women on the internet who live within 30 miles of you. There are too many. So the idea that you're going to somehow tap out your options and have a lifetime of confirmed lonership in front of you is kind of ridiculous.

In conclusion, expand your horizons or stop wallowing. You don't get to have your mopey-cake and eat it too. I had to dump a lot of assholes before I found Vice and he's the only one I met online. It worked out ok for us.

October 25, 2008 9:30 AM



Justine Henin said:

You're on facebook, that's the most important thing. I see what you're saying about online dating. What about speed dating? It sounds good in theory, especially if you do it in the right environment--for example, the graduate college at Madison might have speed dating nights throughout the year. Other than that, I understand how you feel--but you only need things to work out one time. That's the encouraging part. The most successful strategy for almost everyone seems to be screening women through their friends, who can tell them important information like 'is this person worthless?', 'does this person smoke?', etc. Milk those connections for all they're worth. Friends who are already attached (and thus not competitors) are always the most generous in helping with these things.

October 26, 2008 5:05 AM



Justine said:

also, striking up a facebook conversation with hot girl from high school who thinks you're smart: perfect strategy. More generally, a good strategy seems to be to make a list of all the women who you could conceivably be interested in (that you've ever known), and make sure you are facebook friends with all of them. It seems like when one meets a new prospect at a bar or social event it can be less costly for both parties to first establish a facebook relationship, before progressing to the 'are you interested in meeting up to do something sometime?' stage. also, you then have time and opportunity to do reconnaissance on their ass.

October 26, 2008 5:17 AM



RPM said:

PH makes some good points. I want to add some my perspective, perhaps taking the edge off of the solid kick to the ass.

Getting hurt or rejected sucks. There have been times when I've stayed on the sidelines to preserve my ego. In retrospect, I always regret not taking a chance. Remember what the great Wayne Gretzky said, "you miss a 100 percent of the shots you don’t take." If you don't like the pure sports analogy, spin my new favorite motto: "failure is no longer the only option." Keep trying. If you really want to find someone, you're just going to have to accept that disappointment is par for the course. Remember, you have friends that will always be there for you in tough times.

Regarding d-bags, there's a nugget of wisdom there if you look past the undeserved sense of greatness and accomplishment. They mix fake confidence and shamelessness. They aren't afraid of taking a shot or a dozen. Some unfortunate girls out of the thousands take the bait. Remember the girl that said she would have dated you back in high school. You never know unless you try.

You don't have to become a d-bag, just be yourself and go for it every once in a while. I know you're not afraid of being obnoxious. Don't be afraid of failure. The more you try, the more you'll learn, both in terms of improving your game and dealing with the bummer of rejection.

The scene is a bar. Two friends are talking to girls with varying degrees of success. Meanwhile, another friend focuses his energy on anger towards groups of annoying idiots. The latter may be more comfortable for you, but it's counterproductive.

We're at the point where it's hard to find single women in the course of a normal day, especially at work. The thing is, most of the single women out there also probably feel that way. There's no shame in trying alternative methods of meeting each other. As facebook becomes ubiquitous, starting or restarting any sort of relationship online is more and more normal.

Granted, we have the added disadvantage of having basically no friends in town that know any single sane women right now. That's even more reason to look beyond traditional channels. Online networking could bridge the divide.

I've often stood back and taken Justine's list idea to heart. The last time I did it, the total tally of available ladies was zero. Did I let that abide?

October 26, 2008 7:31 PM



Ismael Tapia II said:

See, and this is why I love all of you guys: you kick my ass right when I need it.

Anyway, all of the ass-kicking from you guys and d=mc^2, I've decided to give this whole online dating thing a shot. I'll let you know if anything awesome happens.

October 28, 2008 12:09 AM



Idana said:

IJWTS wow! Why can't I think of thngis like that?

July 9, 2011 9:37 PM






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