"I'll Take All of the Blame"

October 8, 2008 11:56 PM

s it turns out, I am a terrible friend. See, Mr. Vice and pHrecently got engaged, and I neglected to say "congratulations" in a public and embarrassing forum. So, anyway Mr. Vice and pH, congratulations on your engagement. Just remember who you have to thank for your eternal bliss: that's right, me.

So, for example, let's say that you're walking down the aisle at your wedding, pH. You shouldn't be thinking about your future husband or your wonderful life together. No, you should be thinking about me. And you shouldn't just be thinking "god, I wish he would stop undressing my sister with his eyes--that's so wrong!" No, you should be thinking "I pretty much owe any future moment of happiness I have in my marriage to him. He's the best. I mean, the best after my husband. But it's close!"

And Mr. Vice, years from now, when you and pH have a cute little family going, I want you to remember, every time you look down at your children, Walker Vengeance and Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Batman!, that none of it would have happened if it wasn't for me. And I want them to call me "uncle" in an affectionate and cute way.

So, yes, it's true--you'd each be lonely, jaded recluses if it wasn't for me. But, you know what? You guys are so gosh-darned cute together that I'm officially waiving the $10,000 finders fee you each promised to pay me.

Seriously, seeing you guys together is good enough for me.

Congratulations.

2 Comments

dm said:

Just don't turn into one of those creepy "uncles".

October 9, 2008 8:17 PM

Justine Henin said:

Undressing the sisters with the eyes is always worth it.

October 12, 2008 2:52 AM

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