People on Dating Websites Are Stupid

December 5, 2008 12:38 AM

ow that I've gotten over the initial embarrassment of admitting that I signed up for one of these things, I think it's appropriate to rant about the kind of shit people write in their profiles.

The site I signed up for asks a bunch of questions and then you're supposed to answer in some way that tells people interesting things about you. Probably pretty standard shit. Unfortunately, there are also some pretty standard responses which are really, really fucking lame. Some examples:

What I'm Doing With My Life
"Living"
Really? You're living your life? Gee, thanks for letting me know that you're not dead. Or, worse, undead. What the fuck kind of response is that? You might as well write "breathing" or "attempting to not die." Those would be at least as informative. Fuck you

"Trying to find out who I am."
What does that even mean? Some existential angst is fine, I suppose, but if you're 24 and you're still out there with absolutely no idea of who you are, then you're sort of a loser. I don't care if you don't know what you want to do, but you'd better have figured out who you are. Jesus, man!

I'm Really Good At . . .
"Everything! But mostly I'm good at being modest."
Oh! I get what you did there! You said you were good at everything, which makes you sound like an arrogant piece of shit, but then you acknowledged that and sarcastically said you also excelled in the area of humility. You are fucking hilarious. And original.

Favorite Music
"Everything except country."
Let me see if I understand your worldview. You believe that the universe of music can be expressed in a Venn diagram consisting of two non-overlapping circles. The first circle represents good music and the second circle represents country. Right. You are a stupid and boring person.

"Good music, as defined by me."
That's a verbatim quote from one girl's profile. "Good music, as defined by me." Could there possibly be a more tautological statement? Why not tell someone who's lost to go in the direction of their destination? Or say to the waitress that you'd like something that you'll think tastes good. Oh, right, because those statements mean abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

Six Things I Could Never Do Without
"Food, water, shelter, etc."
I don't think that's what the fucking question meant. But, then, the question is stupid. Really stupid, in fact. I can't remember a single interesting response to that question.

The Most Private Thing I'm Willing to Admit Here
"You'll have to message me to find out!"
Fuck, can you not read? Do you not understand how this works? You're supposed to admit the most private thing you're willing to admit in public! If that's that your favorite color is poison green, then that's what you admit. If the most private thing you're willing to admit is that your clit is pierced, then that's what you admit. Admitting nothing makes you look like someone who has no idea what's going on around them, so they default to trying to be coy. You are a fucking idiot.

"I love my vibrator."
Oh, good for you! You, like everyone else in the fucking universe, masturbate. Only you're being lame about it because you think you're blowing my mind. You're not. And I don't care.

Also, I find myself judging people on the strangest things. For example, if someone can't use "their," "there," and "they're" correctly, I'm pretty much not interested. I mean, it's not that fucking hard to keep those straight!

So the point is that I'm pretty sure that what I originally said about dating websites is going to end up being true: the entire experience is going to be depressing because I'm only going to discover that I'm far pickier than my attractiveness should allow me to be.

6 Comments

tRJ said:

The only proper thing is for you to now share your responses to those questions. We'll see how awesome you are.

Seriously though, you are right to hate on these people. What kind of pile of pathetic spends time "trying to figure out who I am"? Barf.

December 5, 2008 8:50 AM

Ismael Tapia Ii said:

Realistically, my responses probably weren't much "better," but at least they were informative and let you know who I am. Lots of curse words and that sort of thing.

December 5, 2008 11:36 AM

The Reeg said:

The bad thing about dating sites is the disappointment of people like these. The nice thing about dating sites is that you only need to find one cool person to make it worthwhile. Even in a sea of fail, there are some cool people who don't give lame answers.

December 5, 2008 1:31 PM

Dee said:

discover? like, it hadn't occured to you even once before that you have a seinfeldian ability to blow women off for things those of us who love you might say are less than signifigant?

i do enjoy your comments though.

December 6, 2008 5:53 AM

Ismael Tapia II said:

Dee,
I have no idea what you're talking about.

December 6, 2008 9:31 AM

dicta said:

actually, i would argue that those profiles, as filled out by the mindless, are doing exactly what they're intended for. sure, well thought out responses might initially seem ideal, as they would aid in figuring out if the person likes the same stuff you do (or complementary stuff). but these profiles might be even better. you dont have to waste your time wading thru the rest of the profile, they're easy write-offs. because as much as the goal of online dating is to find a match, it's also to eliminate those who dont match.

which reminds me, a friend of mine was (or is still) on match.com and had some success. ultimately it didnt work out but it helped.

December 7, 2008 10:39 AM

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