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Fuck You, UPS (Part MMXCLIIVq)

January 7, 2009 7:31 PM

hose fucking fucks at UPS are at it again.

I was expecting a package today, but I knew that I wasn't going to be home in time to be here when they tried to deliver it. So I was prepared for another fight with these worthless fucks.

Here, now, is the timeline of how this shit went down.

6:58: I come home, see that UPS has left a sticker on my door, take it, and go to UPS.com to arrange to pick up my package tonight.

6:59: UPS.com has completely failed. The InfoNotice number that I am specifically told to use on the notice on my door keeps coming back as invalid. I make sure that I've typed it correctly. I have. I try again. Invalid. I try to insert the spaces that are on the notice. It comes back invalid. I try the actual tracking number provided by Amazon. It works, but the webpage says that the package is still out for delivery, which is clearly not true.

7:01: I initiate a phone call with UPS.

7:12: After eleven minutes of holding, I finally speak to a real person. Here, in abbreviated form, is our conversation:

The guy: Hello, how can I help you this evening?
Me: I'd like to get my package, please.
The guy: Ok, can I get your name?
Me: [I give him my name, address, and other information].
The guy: Alright, it looks like we made a delivery attempt tonight at 6:50. I can go ahead and set up a pickup for you. It'll be ready for you tomorrow between--
Me: No, I want to pick it up tonight.
The guy: I'm sorry, sir, but you've missed the window to set up a same-day pickup.
Me: When does that window close?
The guy: You're in the Central time zone?
Me: Yes.
The guy: Then 7pm.
Me: What time is it right now?
The guy: About 7:15, sir.
Me: And you attempted to deliver it at what time?
The guy: 6:50, sir.
Me: Ok, and I logged onto your webpage right around 7, and then called your phone number right around 7:02, and then I was on hold forever, and now I'm talking to you. So it seems to me like I missed the window you created because your webpage sucked and then you had me on hold forever. Now, make it so that I can get my package tonight.
The guy: I'm sorry, sir, but the package just isn't available tonight.
Me: It's unavailable?
The guy: Yes, sir.
Me: It's in a truck somewhere right now heading towards the UPS facility, right?
The guy: Yes.
Me: And when it gets there, there are going to be people there to unload the truck, right?
The guy: Yes.
Me: And at least one of those people is going to be sitting in the lobby of the UPS facility waiting for people to come in and claim their packages, right?
The guy: Yes, sir, but--
Me: So then it seems like my package is absolutely available, it's just that you refuse to give it to me. You're holding my property hostage!
The guy: Sir, we're not holding your property hostage. It's just that the package is not available for you to pick up tonight--
Me: That's just not true! If you're going to use words, make sure you know what they mean! The package is right there! Someone could give it to me, but you won't.
The guy: Sir, if you'll just allow me to explain how this works.
Me: Go right ahead.
The guy: The UPS facility close at six--
Me: That's not true.
The guy: The UPS facility closes at six--
Me: That's not true! I have gone to there after six and picked up packages. The door is open. There are people there. It is not closed.
The guy: It closes at six and then people are allowed inside during a very narrow window--
Me: You mean it's open?
The guy: Sir, it closes at 6.
Me: That's the second time you completely misuse a word! You're just lying to me now!

Things went downhill from there. Finally, I asked to speak to his supervisor. I was put right back on hold.

7:25: After the guy came on several times to apologize for making me wait for a supervisor so long, I finally spoke to someone. She asked how I could help, and I calmly explained that I would appreciate it if she could arrange for me to pick up my package tonight. She asked me if I realized it was after 7:00. I said that I did and that I wanted to pick it up, anyway. She said she'd call the facility and let me know. She put me on hold. Within a few minutes, she came back and said that she'd spoken to them and that my package would be waiting for me about about 8:10.

7:30: I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize. I answer, and it's the UPS guy. He asks if I just arranged to pick up a package. I said I did. He said that he had just spoken to the driver and that the driver was still in my neighborhood and could drop my package off in a few minutes if I was going to be home. I said that would be great, and thanked him.

7:36: My doorbell rings, I answer it, and I get my package.

Now, you might think that this late-in-the-game attempt at making things up to me might change my attitude towards UPS. But it does not. You see, UPS demonstrated that they have the ability to not only to sidestep their ridiculous protocols and procedures, but to actually contact a driver, find out if he's near the missed delivery location, and see if he'd be able to stop by and make that delivery. And they also clearly demonstrated that they 7:00 deadline for arranging same-day pickups is an artificial, nonsensical time limit that serves no purpose other than to make some people wait until the next day to get their packages just because they were at work.

And they also demonstrated that they have absolutely no regard for the English language or the meaning of words.

So I say again: Fuck you, UPS.



8 Comments


Vice said:

I'm going to let you handle all of my phone calls from now on. Even though I'm starting to get a little better at the righteous indignation and incredulity, I realize now I could never hope to soar to the heights of your withering condescension.

Also, I'm happy to see old grudges never die. Great heroes are defined by the forces they oppose. Superman has Lex Luthor. You have UPS.

January 7, 2009 10:17 PM



Anonymous said:

If Vice thinks you're good, he needs to meet mark B.

January 7, 2009 10:45 PM



Lauren said:

I thank the powers that be every time I read one of these posts that you have absolutely no interest in the outdoors and I, nor any of my colleagues will ever have to deal with you in a situation like this.

January 8, 2009 9:49 PM



The Expat said:

Good on you for getting something out of that tangled mess. If it were Taiwan, they'd already have the driver on the phone and he'd come back around to drop it off. Why? Because the package delivery market here has real competition, unlike UPS, who has maybe two major competitors in the US. If you fail to deliver or you fuck up, they lose your business. UPS has no incentive to offer better service because they have you by the cojones.

January 8, 2009 10:33 PM



Keli said:

Big help, big help. And surpelaivte news of course.

July 10, 2011 7:09 AM






Jett said:

That was BY FAR the best explanatino of every encounter that I have ever had with UPS, FUCK up after FUCK up after FUCK up after FUCK up and so on..... I thought i was reading my own words on this post bro, nicely done and very well understood.

September 23, 2011 6:09 PM



Jett Miller said:

That was BY FAR the best explanatino of every encounter that I have ever had with UPS, FUCK up after FUCK up after FUCK up after FUCK up and so on..... I thought i was reading my own words on this post bro, nicely done and very well understood.

September 23, 2011 6:10 PM



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