<-Two Thoughts on the English Language |Main|Cold? Where?->

There Are Many Purposes to this Post, but the Most Important One Is to Make Lauren Feel Guilty

January 12, 2009 11:07 PM

'm writing this on my laptop because my desktop has been infected by approximately forty-eight distinct viruses simultaneously. Although I'm running various scans, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have any recourse other than to wipe the hard drive and reinstall the OS. It's been years since I've had to do that, so it's sort of overdue. Things are getting really disorganized and there are way too many programs installed.

Anyway, my friend Laurie-hole (given that entirely appropriate nickname by Co-SME) was here this weekend. We hadn't seen each other in a long time, but it was good to catch up and hang out. We went out to dinner and then to some bars with everyone on Saturday, and then RPM joined Laurie-hole and I for some brunch and a walk on the frozen lake on Sunday. It was fun.

Did you hear that, Lauren? Even Laurie came to visit. But you still haven't. I'm not angry, Lauren, I'm just disappointed. And hurt. Extremely hurt.

Where was I?

Oh, right--nowhere.

I had the most fucked-up dream I've ever had last night. In my dream, I woke up in bed, in my room, in the dark. I was instantly filled with an inexplicable sense of dread and fear. I heard moving and realized, to my horror, that I couldn't move myself. Things started to go down hill from there. I started sort of panicking and I became more and more desperate to move. I became aware that I was not alone. There were flashes of light from all directions. I looked out my bedroom door and saw that there were flashes of light coming form the living room. Then I saw that there was a figure standing in my bedroom doorway, silhouetted by the flashes coming from my living room. It was short and skinny, and I could see a scary glint coming from it's giant fucking eyes. It was one of those fucking aliens you always see crazy people draw!

I started really freaking the fuck out. But, at the same time, I somehow knew that it was a dream--it was too fucking fucked up not to be. Suddenly, I couldn't see anything other than a blinding white light everywhere. And I still couldn't move. I was grasping onto something, and I started grasping tighter. Then I realized that I was touching one of the fucking aliens, and that freaked me out even more. I tried to squeeze this thing's finger so that it would at least stop touching me, but it wouldn't move its hand--it wasn't scared of me at all.

I started trying to yell for help, but I couldn't make any sound louder than a whisper. I started mouthing the word "help" and kept trying to actually put some volume behind it, but I couldn't.

Finally, I gradually realized that I was actually awake and holding my pillow extremely tight. And I think I was actually saying "help." I sat up and looked around. There weren't any strange lights. The cats were asleep on the floor. I turned on all the lights and didn't go back to sleep for about half an hour.

I think I knew all along that it was a dream, and I definitely knew that when I woke up, but it was fucking scary nonetheless. i was extremely unsettled, even after half an hour of sitting in my living room with all the lights on.

I've mentioned before that i very rarely remember my dreams, and even when I do, I seldom remember having nightmares, so this one really took me by surprise.

Anyway, that's all that's happening.



10 Comments


frank x. said:

Maybe it wasn't a dream? Did you check if you got anal probed?

January 13, 2009 10:41 AM



kristin said:

That sounds like a classic case of sleep paralysis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_paralysis), making it technically not a dream at all.

I have had it happen exactly once and it was terrifying. I know people who have it happen pretty often. Blargh.

January 13, 2009 11:48 AM



Ismael Tapia II said:

Yup, I'm familiar with the whole sleep paralysis thing. It actually happens to me several times a year, which is one of the reasons I didn't completely lose my shit when it happened this time. This was one of the most vivid episodes I've ever had, though, and also one of the longest, which is why I partially lost my shit.

January 13, 2009 3:03 PM



TheExpat said:

These aliens need to start learning how people on Earth make friends. We don't just stalk our friends out in the middle of the night and stand in the dark waiting for us to invite them to have their hand squeezed, then maybe or maybe not probe their anus. Since they are obviously the more advanced culture, I think they need to take the first step. Ball's in your court, aliens!

I've had sleep paralysis on many occasions. I'm usually feel like someone is watching me. Sometimes all I see is a big gray Eye of Sauron-looking thing staring at me. I've convinced myself that it's just an especially tense bout of naval gazing gone awry.

January 14, 2009 12:26 AM



frank x. said:

I think this clip will have all the answers you need, Ishmael. I guessing you are one out of ten. http://tinyurl.com/956adt

January 14, 2009 2:41 PM



Utah said:

See, that's exactly the reason why my bedroom has a lake floor, a mist ceiling and is covered by waterfalls on all sides. If Mel Gibson taught me anything in Signs, it's that pussy aliens can't take a little water.

On an similar note, I believe I've experienced sleep paralysis myself. Normally, I'm trying to will myself to counterattack a home invader. Of course the real mystery is determining what items of value said invaders seek, but that's beside the point.

January 16, 2009 9:39 PM



Easter said:

Going to put this arictle to good use now.

November 23, 2011 2:57 PM



Emily said:

It's imperative that more pelope make this exact point.

November 25, 2011 8:21 PM









Leave a comment


Type the characters you see in the picture above.