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The Biggest Tool in the Universe?

March 3, 2009 12:54 AM

've previously admitted that I love the show Tool Academy. For those of you not in the know, Tool Academy is built on probably the best reality-show idea ever. Nine guys sign up for a competition they think is called "Mr. Awesome," but what's really going on is that the guys' girlfriends have signed the guys up for the show because, well, the girls think the guys are giant tools. And they're completely right.

At the end of each episode, one tool gets eliminated (the line the host delivers is awesome: "You're just a tool"--way better than "You're fired"). Then the eliminated tool has to go face his girlfriend who has to choose whether to dump him or stay with him. Unfortunately, they usually stay.

Tonight, the show started off with three remaining tools after one of the biggest tools ever--Tommy--was booted off last week and then dumped by his entirely fake girlfriend. The remaining contenders were Matsuflex, an anime reject; Shawn, a surfer-Flock of Seagulls failure pile; and Josh, some sort of bowling tool. Those I was watching with generally agreed, I think that Josh has the biggest chance of winning since, in the grand scheme of things, he's really not that big of a tool. But there was some debate as to whether Shawn or Matsuflex (real name: Ryan) was the biggest remaining tool. I contended that Shawn was because he started a pointless fight and screamed the immortal words "What's up now, bro?!" I think after his later outbursts, most people agreed he was worse. But in case there was any lingering doubt, I give you his MySpace profile.

Check it out. Look around. Really digest that fucker. And then go over and read his "About Me" section. Because then, my friend, you are in for a fucking treat. To wit:

I am genuine to the tee. I Party like a rockstar. I do business mostly out at clubs. I love arm candy. I hate haters. I am an open book so feel free to expose dirt, cause when u dig in the dirt, your only gonna get dirtier. Be careful for what u wish for cause it will bite u in the ass. When life throws sand, swallow it...light your ass on fire, and shit proper glass art, including a 6 foot bong. Then take a hit. But a proper hit like a gram of kush. Then go about your day with a fresh green tea to contemplate life. After that, run up a mountain just to talk shit to it about defeat. The mountain will be depressed and defeated but still acknowledge that u kicked it's sorry ass. If the time calls for it, flip the mountain over and make it scream for mercy. Then go about your night life. Drink. Girls. Drink More. More Girls. Then contact a mathmatician to calculate quantity vs. quantity of ass you are pending. When your accountant comes up with a number, multiply it times ten and you get your prefabricated estimate of your future girl. She is hot, none the less

My favorite sentence:

When life throws sand, swallow it...light your ass on fire, and shit proper glass art, including a 6 foot bong.

That's just fucking . . . . amazing. That's what it is. This guy is a real person who's actually out there right now. Wow.

5 Comments

TheExpat said:

Um, did you listen to anybody living at the dorms in Flag? This guy and his ilk made up something to the tune of 68% of the male student body. What makes him different is his ability to make potentially lucrative entertainment contacts from it. Hate him. Hate him some more. Drink. Hate. Drink More. Then light a beer fart on fire in front of a magazine with his photo contained somewhere within. Then laugh like Darth Vader and Satan's unholy love child.

March 3, 2009 10:17 AM

The Reeg said:

"Then contact a mathematician to calculate quantity vs. quantity of ass you are pending."

What the living fuck does that even MEAN?

March 3, 2009 12:03 PM

Dee said:

yeah bro! love this sand thing, so much better than life lemon lemonade because lemonade

A) is for pussies*

B) can't make you an ass bong.

* i am a pussy.

March 3, 2009 8:02 PM

Gracyn said: