So...if a man beats his girlfriend or wife when they're together, what's to stop him from beating her again when she tries to leave? I don't think women stay with abusive men because they think it's "okay." I think they stay out of fear of what could happen if they (try to) leave...

Maybe, except maybe not.

In Wisconsin, any woman who calls the police for some domestic disturbance has the option of enacting a seventy-two-hour no-contact provision against the person who beat her up. If the victim wants to exercise that option, then it becomes a violation of the law for the accused to even talk to the victim. In many circumstances, the batterer is arrested, so that immediately makes it less likely that he will have a chance to further abuse the victim. Even where that isn't the case, the police usually make sure that the victim is safe and will be safe before leaving the scene.

In the case of Rhianna, it seems clear that she had every opportunity to both get and stay away from Chris Brown. In fact, if I'm remembering correctly, wasn't she hanging out in Mexico or somewhere for a while? She was literally thousands of miles away from the guy that beat her up and given that she's got lots of money, it would have been a simple matter for her to ensure that he stayed away from her. But she didn't do that. Instead, she chose to return. That seems fucked up to me.

The point is that, in Wisconsin at least, the law recognizes this reality and does as much as it can to help the woman get out. In my experience, few ever do. And that still doesn't account for women who are safe and distant but choose to go back. So I think that fear of reprisal is part of an explanation, but I don't think it accounts for the whole situation.

Right. I didn't mean to imply that all women who stay with abusive partners do so out of fear. I think that some do, and maybe some stay out of some kind of need for emotional security, and maybe some stay because they can't accept that someone they love (and who presumably showed affection toward them at some point) is kind of a monster. Who knows what's going on with Rihanna (dude, you spelled her name wrong).

Two things:
1)". . .it's never right for a man to hit his significant other without her consent." I would argue that it's never right for a man (or woman) to hit his (or her) significant other even if that significant other says something like, "Man, I suck at life--I totally deserve to be abused, so if you wanna repeatedly punch me in the face for not getting that promotion/doing the dishes/walking the dog, it's totally cool."

2)Inertia and denial are both incredibly powerful things. It's depressingly astounding how easy it is to tell yourself--and worse, actually believe--that this time was a one-off and he was really sorry and said he'd never do it again and bought me flowers and yadda yadda yadda, so it's all good.

Also, I think it's an image thing--smart, assertive women generally are proud of being such, and if a blight on their smart, assertive credentials should ever manifest--i.e. her partner hits or otherwise mistreats her--she copes by saying either it didn't really happen, it wasn't a big deal, it was my fault and I would have hit my girlfriend too if the tables were turned, etc. There's a lot of shame involved just in dating someone who is abusive--either you convince yourself it was your fault, or you have this image of abused women as being trashy, dumb, and self-effacing, which don't want to be, so you convince yourself you're not--which ironically means you ARE doing something dumb and self-effacing. I guess we have this image of abusers as being angry and uncontrollable except when they have to comfort their girlfriends following the most recent beating, stupid, misogynistic, alcoholic, etc. When your boyfriend doesn't fit that description, or you feel that admitting he hits you is a blow to how you will be perceived by police, friends, family, professors/bosses, etc--sometimes it's more attractive to stay and put up with it than to admit your personal life is a big fat FAIL and seek help. Messed up, maybe, but true. Of course, Rihanna doesn't have a choice in this matter--the whole world knows that her boyfriend is a douche, she has plenty of money to move out if they were living together, etc, so in this case there's not really any reason for why she's going back.

Since a lot of physical abuse doesn't happen immediately in a relationship--initially the warning signs are rare and verbal, and therefore missed, ignored, or denied--the couple is pretty attached and may even be living together. It's just plain hard to admit that a relationship has failed, unhealthy or otherwise. Even the most amicable and undramatic of breakups are tough, so imagine being incredibly close to someone and having a lot of affection for him, perhaps still loving him, and trying to extricate your life and your stuff from his, all the while fearing for your safety and your life. It's not a fun balancing act, and I deeply understand the attraction of denial and "keeping things normal" even if the decisions that arise from that desire are incredibly poor ones.

the thing is, domestic violence and abuse are still so stigmatized in our culture that they are really, really misunderstood. i understand that you aren't blaming rihanna for the abuse itself, and i appreciate that. but it is way, way too easy from outside to state that she "could get out of this relationship". you're talkng about the financial and social resources she has outside the relationship. and she is lucky to have those, she should be making better use of them, and in that respect she is much better off than many other victims of domestic abuse.

HOWEVER. you probably are not aware that the average amount of times a woman leaves an abuser before finally breaking contact completely is 7. SEVEN. the reason for this is that abusive husbands and boyfriends don't one day, randomly punch you in the face. rather, they systematically break down your sense of self worth and self agency, so that by the time they do hit you, you believe you A) deserved it B) will put up with it because you are nothing without this relationship. or both. victims are manipulated into thinking that the consequences of leaving their abuser are worse than staying and continuing to be abused. it often requires active intervention from family members or friends to stand in between the victim and the abuser.

also, you might be unaware that (mostly a consequence of piss-poor enforcement of restraining orders) the most dangerous time for abused women is the time after they leave. this is the point at which abusers become truly desparate and crazed, which results in them seriously injuring or even murdering the victim.

i know what you mean, i am disappointed too. but not surprised. they are totally following the pattern of a textbook abusive relationship. i think a lot of people have a false conception that the perpetrators and victims of domestic violence most commonly come from specific socioeconomic/educational groups. actually, as an emotional issue, it targets all groups equally. this case underscores the immense need for better education on this subject. if sex ed would ever be properly restored in this country (well, america), i think it would fit well into the curriculum.

i have been a bummer in the comments lately. please post some kind of wacky youtube vid or something!

I too find it confounding that a woman who seemingly had so much free agency could continue to be with a man that beat her. Thanks to Dee for her excellent points concerning emotional abuse. I have a relative who was in an emotionally abusive relationship until she finally divorced the guy who, incidentally, never laid a hand on her. I think that she's lucky in that regard at least, though the abuse was 100% inexcusable. Having such a strong female role model in my life is probably what contributes to my own point of view in the case of Rhianna, though that doesn't mean that I can't accept a different telling of this story.

Personally, I think that this case being so high profile has been distracting us from the real issue, which Ismael brings up in his update: the abuser is to blame, and that's that.

I approve of your update. My head was exploding before. Now I'm just going to go all stream of consciousness and try not to think too hard about this.

I agree with dee's and the reeg's posts. You can't just get up and walk out, in the average abuse (physical, emotional, or a little of both) case. You WANT to, and he knows it, and that only makes it worse. It's not because you want to be there, but because he will do everything he can to maintain extreme control over your life. Take your phone, steal your keys, break your phone, computer, put keylogging on your computer...the minute you look up a hotline or legal info is the minute he starts to make it physical. All this when you have to go to work the next morning. Generally, the abuse happens after you've expressed intent to leave, but you can't leave yet because of some stupid technicality like a lease. It's just never a very black-and-white situation. If we could discern abusers on the first date, like if he started punching and insulting and degrading right there, it'd all be much easier. They're usually very sweet, until afer you move in togethere and have your lives intertwined, and they start becoming afraid that they could lose you.

ANYWAY. Yes, the abuser is to blame, always...but you also have to take into consideration that when the abuse happens the abuser is probably not entirely sane, or is drunk, on drugs, or any value meal combination of the three. The next day he'll claim he would never do such a thing. So it's not a constant abusive situation. It's livable, until the 3 nights a month when you need out, but you've been living your life inbetween and still are trying to get out. (also, see: Stockholm Syndrome.) You don't have a social support system, because he probably won't let you have friends. You can't call your mom, because you already feel like a failure for even being in this situation.

Most women don't know about the laws protecting them, or are afraid the cops wont believe them. It's hard to even admit you are in an "abusive relationship," because that seems like something that only happens to crackhead welfare moms or "stupid" girls. We only seek info on them when we are in a situation where we NEED help, and often like I already mentioned you're already under close examination so you can't look for help. If you know about the laws, tell every female you know - you never know when they'll meet a psycho.

And I think Rihumbrella's situation is some kind of bizarre Hollywood craziness that none of us will ever understand, because it involves sales, profits, publicity stunts, and Mtv. Like scientology, and Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfucntion. It's abnormal and spectacle.

I have to say, I agree with everyone's comments on this post except yours. I would sum up the points I agree with as follows:

1) Most women don't have the social, financial, and emotional resources needed to leave an abusive relationship. Most of my friends have college degrees and good jobs, and I still don't know many people who could wake up one day and start a new life with only the money they have in the bank.

2) Many times, abused women lack these resources because their partners have intentionally broken down the abused womens' social networks, self-image, self-reliance, and financial well-being as a precursor to serious abuse, in addition to taking or breaking their phones, stealing (or duplicating) their keys, stealing their credit cards, and using keylogging to steal email and bank passwords and withdraw all the money out of their bank accounts.

3) Many women understand that at least one aspect of the relationship (the abuse) is seriously and dangerously dysfunctional, but want to justify it because their partners weren't like this for the majority of the relationship and will "change back" or behave like normal people the other 29 days a month, or because of what they think it says about them to admit they are abused.

I strongly disagree with your comment, however, because I think your assessment of the legal resources and police support that abused women have at their disposal is wildly and naively optimistic. The provisions you mentioned do exist, but their effectiveness depends on (1) police doing their jobs and (2) restraining orders having some effect other than pissing off the abuser. Maybe, except maybe not.

While I'm sure most police are upstanding citizens who care deeply about abused women, I can tell you from personal experience that that is not always the case. When I was in college, I was stalked for an entire year after I left my abusive boyfriend. There was more than one night I had good reason to think he was going to kill me, and one night that I was choked unconscious and never expected to wake up again.

During that entire 18 month nightmare, I was never able to contact a police officer who would help or even believe me. I considered getting a restraining order, but what would it have accomplished if no one was willing to enforce it? I also considered going back to him, because a few black eyes seemed like a good compromise. The only reason I didn't was because I'm an obstinate bitch who hates caving to assholes. Not everyone has that working to their advantage.

As noted already, more women are injured or killed after they leave than before, restraining orders or otherwise. The fact that legal protections exist doesn't mean women who leave their abusers have nothing to be afraid of, and I think it's insulting to imply otherwise.

Rihanna is an exceptional case in more than one way. Most women don't have a "choice" in the sense that you're talking about and none of the abused women I've met thought it was okay for their partner to abuse them. If you want to talk about how stupid it is for Rihanna to go back to Chris Brown, that's your prerogative (and I happen agree with you). But that discussion is not relevant to the majority of abused women, who would love to have the opportunity that she has thrown away.

so wait, what do you call it when you rammed my head into the corner wall of my apartment so hard it left a dent in the wall (and a shit ton of pain for me)??

he he. memories...like the CORNER of my MIND. HA!

So now I should probably address some of the things that have come up in the comments.

First, I want to say again that I don't think that a woman being the victim of this sort of abuse is ever the woman's fault.

Second, I want to go back and reiterate the initial point I wanted to make, but may have entirely failed at making: it seems to me that, on some level, society is letting women down. I say this for a few reasons, but I think that the things I've learned from the comments make this point stronger. You're all correct to point out that abusive men don't start by punching these women but, rather, build to that after months or years of controlling and abusing them in other ways. This was something I failed to acknowledge in my original post, mostly because of my own ignorance, and I apologize for that.

But if I could summarize what you guys have said, I think it would be something like this:
1. Battered women either don't have or don't know they have the choice to leave, due mostly to the machinations of their abusers.
2. Even women that do decide to leave very often can't because authorities don't believe them and they fear the sort of reprisal that is apparently common in these situations.
3. On top of all of that, there is a stigma attached to women who come forward as the victims of this kind of abuse that makes it even harder for them to get out of these situations.

So here's my point, which I had tried to make in my original post and apparently completely fucked up: While the ultimately responsible people here are the men that hit women, society at large plays a role in this whole thing, too. There should be boundless resources for women in these situations who want to get out. There should be widely disseminated information about how to recognize that you might be in one of these relationships and how to safely get out. There should be an attitude in society that women in these situations should be protected, not scorned. It should be impossible for young women in this country to look around and fail to see strong female role models. And it should be impossible for a man who does this kind of shit to get away with it.

This is obviously a much more complicated problem than my original post contemplated, and I'm really sorry for being so, well, stupid.

laurie,
Oh my god, for the last time: that was an ACCIDENT. And I felt terrible. And I've been apologizing for years!

I agree with and appreciate your updates. I would like to believe that this case will demonstrate how badly we need better resources for victims of abuse. personally, i would like to see police departments charged with negligence when someone with a restraining order is attacked by the person they have the order against. every one i have ever known to have a restraining order has been a woman with an order against an ex, and every one has been treated dismissively by the police. one was assaulted in the parking lot of the police station, in broad daylight. cops need to invest more in the enforcement of these protective orders.

Dee--hear, hear. Enforcement of restraining orders is absolutely horrible, and not only do most women know that, most abusers do too--and aren't shy about reminding their victims of that fact. Even if only 10% of restraining orders were enforced poorly, I don't know many people willing to gamble with their lives and all of their belongings given 90-10 odds.

Anyway, here is a case in point for why even smart, upwardly-mobile women don't report clear violations of their life and safety. This is a link to an article in my school's newspaper about a series of alleged gang rapes and druggings at a fraternity. The story is sad and awful, but the most illuminating part is the comments section. Some of the posters are absolute PIGS. It was maddening and disappointing that many people's reactions to a report of what seems to be a pretty clear case of assault amounted to, "She's making it up to get attention." Most of the comments show a total lack of knowledge regarding sexual assault (e.g. one guy said it was "fishy" that the hospital where she was examined didn't contact the police--even though the hospital has no right to do it as that is the victim's prerogative). See for yourself:
http://badgerherald.com/news/2009/03/04/alleged_rape_at_sigm.php

So, yeah, THAT'S why women don't report even the most egregious attacks.

Ismael, wasn't that right before you threw a rock at laurie, too? you really need some therapy sessions.

hmm, rock throwing now, too? doesn't look good, buddy...

OH MY GOD!!! HAHA...i forgot about the rock incident '04, too!!

"Get mad, Andy...get REALLY REALLY mad." haha!!!

na, i'm just playin, Andy. U know I love u. all is good. :)

I had no idea how to apprcoah this before—now I’m locked and loaded.

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