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Unmitigated Douchebag at the Five Guys

March 22, 2009 3:57 PM

r. Vice, RPM, and I were at Five Guys this afternoon picking up some food before heading back to RPM's place to watch the Battlestar Galactica finale (which, despite the efforts of RPM's DVR, was awesome). And it was then that I saw one of the biggest douches ever acting like a giant fucking douche. And then I called him on it.

I don't know how many of you have been to Five Guys, but it's this burger place. It's pretty good. One of the distinctive things about it is that they have giant boxes full of peanuts for you to eat while you wait for your food. They also have little paper boats for you to scoop these peanuts up and take them to your table. The other thing they have is trash cans. Most of the boxes of peanuts are on top of trash cans.

So, since we were heading back to RPM's place right away and not eating in the restaurant, we were waiting around by the soda fountain. I noticed a couple of guys sitting in chairs next to a trash can that had a box of peanuts on it. I noticed that these guys were douchebags right away. They were wearing skinny jeans and those infuriatingly bright white assjacket shoes that people wear nowadays. I think the leader was wearing a fucking scarf or some sort of entirely inappropriate neckwear. It's fucking gorgeous and warm, for fuck's sake.

Anyway, I overheard some of their conversation as I took peanuts from the box and then discarded the shells in the trash can. It was stupid, but not particularly infuriating. Then they got up, and I looked down at the floor under the chairs they had been sitting in. It was littered with peanut shells. There was a little mound right under where they had been sitting. I looked around and saw the lead douchebag, the one with the neckwear.

"Are those yours?" I asked, pointing at the shells covering the floor.

"Yeah?" he responded in the douchiest possible tone.

"That makes you kind of a douchebag, dude," I said.

"Have you ever been to the original Five Guys?" he asked me.

"No, I haven't. What the fuck does that have to do with anything, asshole?" I said.

"That's what they want you to do there. You just don't understand," he says.

I explained to him that regardless of what the standard practice was at some other restaurant, the fact of the matter was that now some Five Guys employee was going to have to clean up after his ass because he was to fucking lazy to use the trash can he was sitting right fucking next to. He repeated that I didn't understand because I hadn't been to the original Five Guys, and then he said "You bore me" and walked away.

What the fuck, dudes? I mean, I have no idea what the accepted practices at any other Five Guys are, but it seems to me that unless this particular restaurant has a sign that says "Everyone, please throw all your crap right there on our floor. No, seriously, it's cool," then you shouldn't fuck up someone else's place I mean, isn't that one of the first lessons we learn as children? When you're in someone else's house, you respect the fuck out of it, right?

But this fucker thinks he's above that shit. He thinks that part of the appeal of Five Guys is that you can go in and trash it and they don't say anything. That's just fucking... rude. I mean, deeply, offensively rude. No?



12 Comments


Anne Noise said:

It's amazing what people think they're entitled to, and even more amazing the logic people use to prove that fake worth, haha. "Nah, bro. I've been inside the original. I'm practically balls deep in history, here, back off."

March 22, 2009 5:23 PM



Utah said:

I would have been like "I bore you? Okay" Then I would have taken a giant auger and augered his face off. In a boring-type action.

March 23, 2009 9:23 PM



You Bore Me said:

Many of your posts suggest that you have little use for societal conventions(say, for example, neglecting to comb you hair on a cross-country flight), yet you take a stand on peanut shells discarded on the floor? Really, is it so difficult to comb your hair? He should have kicked your sorry ass into next week. I say that because I am meticulously groomed, wearing a scarf, skinny jeans and white shoes as I post this. I am also eating peanuts and throwing them on the floor of my favorite restaurant in the hope that a disgruntled minimum age worker will sweep them up at the end of his/her shift whilst cursing me under his/her breath). Seriously? That upsets you? You need a hobby or meds, I'm not sure which one. That's between you and your psychotherapist. To quote our intrepid blogger, "just deal with it."

March 24, 2009 3:19 AM



Dee said:

did he fling his leader scarf over his shoulder when he said "you bore me"? i hope he did! once expat and i had the misfortune of a family lunch at the texas roadhouse. i don't like any establishment that has the idea "hey! you can throw shit on the ground! that's fun, right? kooky!" i mean, peanuts are nice. so are clean floors under me while i'm eating. so are employees who can just bus tables and not have to worry about plowing peanut shells.

March 24, 2009 10:05 AM



chelsadilla said:

bored person,

i've been poking around this blog for a bit now, and while i can say with full confidence that mr. ismael tapia ii is, in fact, a spectacularly swell fella...i'm concerned that the best example you can provide of him turning his back on societal conventions is not combing his hair before a flight? really? you gotta work a little harder, dude.

March 24, 2009 10:06 PM



dee said:

word, chelsadilla. i not only don't comb my hair before flying, but i most likely don't brush my teeth, shower, or bother with clean clothes. it's going to be a horrible, horrible experience. why would i go to any effort in preparation.

March 27, 2009 11:38 AM



chris said:

so did you get butt plowed after battlestar galactica? fuck you fry boy. hopefully your boyfriend used peanut oil on his little pecker when he slammed it home in your waxed up ass. Oh and their cajun fries rule! Go by some Summers Eve douchefucker!

April 10, 2010 12:07 AM



Gabby said:

I rkcoen you are quite dead on with that.

July 9, 2011 6:41 PM









Forex Robot Trader Forum said:

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September 27, 2011 12:13 AM






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