The King of the Burgers?

October 22, 2009 11:08 PM

arlier today, on Twitter, pH made an assertion that I considered fairly ridiculous: "The Angry Whopper is the Platonic ideal of a fast-food burger." The contention that the ideal fast-food burger could come from Burger King seemed too ludicrous to even consider. I mean, In-n-Out and Five Guys both exist and are sell amazing burgers. But then others on Twitter suggested that I was wrong for mocking pH. Later, finding myself tired and hungry after an extremely long day, I decided that I'd put the whole thing to the test. I was recently in California and, of course, I had a double-double from In-n-Out. And I have Five Guys on an entirely too regular basis. So I decided to get an Angry Whopper and let my taste buds guide me to the truth.

My first observation was that the Angry Whopper was fucking huge. And it had a lot of toppings. I think there was bacon, jalapenos, a barbecue sauce, and maybe two kinds of cheese. There was a lot of shit on there. There were tomatoes, but I removed them because tomatoes on a burger just don't do it for me. Then I took a bite.

The Angry Whopper wasn't what I expected. I remember Burger King burgers being hard and chewy. I remember the meat being extremely bland. I remember an overwhelming taste of mayonnaise. None of that was the case here. I had to admit: this was a damned good burger. It cost nearly $4, which was a bit on the steep side, but it was quality. There were lots of different flavors, and they played very nicely together. I gotta say: I enjoyed the Angry Whopper.

But is it the best fast-food burger? I don't think so, no. Having recently enjoyed a sampling of In-n-Out, I still have to say that it's the best. There's just something about an animal-style serving of meat and cheese between quality buns that's incomparable. I had really started to think that Five Guys might have a superior burger, but they don't. They have a great burger, but In-n-Out is still, in my opinion, the best fast-food burger. Burger King's offering is surprisingly good--and not just because I had extremely low expectations--but it doesn't reach the levels of its two most worthy competitors.

One thing that I don't think anyone's going to argue with me on is that the BK fries are nearly inedible. Once again, they weren't nearly as bad as I remember, but they were still pretty wretched. I think that In-n-Out offers quality fries, and it's awesome that you can literally watch your fries go from whole potato to delectable fried slices of goodness. And there's a lot to be said for animal fries. But I think the clear winner in the fry category is Five Guys. Those things are just fucking delicious.

So I enjoyed the Angry Whopper, but if I were in a situation where I was at a Burger King and there was an In-n-Out across the street, I'd choose the In-n-Out ninety-nine times out of a hundred.

4 Comments

tRJ said:

Again with the In-n-Out/Five Guys lovefest. In-n-Out shouldn't be in the running because it's regional. The burger is indeed delicious, but if I can't get it on every run down street in America, it doesn't count. And Five Guys, which is also delicious, is slow as hell. It hardly qualifies as fast food, no matter what genre they supposedly fit into.

October 23, 2009 12:48 AM

frank x. said:

Steak and Shake has a great burger, and they even have a drive through window, putting them in the running for ideal fast food. Regionality is not an argument against fast food, since technically, Sonic, Jack in the box, and even White Castle are regional, and that leaves out plenty of places. If it's a franchise in more than one state with a drive through, it can be in the running for ideal fast food burger.

October 23, 2009 10:25 AM

morenonesense said:

Hold on. You would not go to the In'N'Out 1 out of the 100 times? Heresy! Not a day goes by that i don't savor that sweet, crisp, amazing....hold on. I need to go the bathroom.

Ok, I'm back. In'n'out is just damn good. 5 guys is also good, but not in'n'out. and burger king is only the king of sucking my nuts.

October 23, 2009 11:52 PM

The Expat said:

Late to the party, but as Cheech Marin said in Ghostbusters II when he saw the Titanic coming in to port, better late than never.

I love In-N-Out a whole fucking lot, but I have a horrible confession. Living in Asia, my taste level in regards to American fast food has degenerated to the point where I was actually excited when a Burger King opened up near Feng Chia University down the way from our apartment. Surviving on only Mai Dong Lao (McD's) and Ken De Ji (KFC) for so long, I welcomed the change of pace with more enthusiasm than I care to admit. Not that I ever eat their burgers. Whenever I go to BK, I get the chicken sandwich. Its breaded and fried goodness along with the near absence of vegetables and orgy of tangy mayonnaise is, very occasionally, the only thing standing between Taiwan and total annihilation.

November 8, 2009 8:18 PM

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