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Sarah Palin's Alaska

November 18, 2010 9:36 PM

watched Sarah Palin's Alaska. Not because I wanted to but because I wanted to be able to report to you, my two readers. So here's the lowdown: Sarah Palin's grasp on reality is tenuous at best, and this show presents no evidence to the contrary.

At several points throughout the show, Ms. Palin complains about her nosy neighbor, an author writing an unauthorized book about her. She talks about how Todd and his friends built a fourteen-foot fence to make it harder for the neighbor to look into their yard. I can sympathize with not wanting to have your moments with your family spied on by some creepy guy. Even a public figure like Sarah Palin deserves some privacy. But here's the thing: she was complaining about this neighbor wanting to violate the privacy of her back yard while talking to a reality-TV camera crew in her back yard. You can't complain about looking into your house from his perfectly legal vantage point while having a camera crew follow you and your children around in order to get footage for a nationally televised reality TV show. That's just fucking crazy! The logic--or rather anti-logic--of that made the gears inside my head grind and squeal, it was so stupid. I guess it all makes sense to her because, hey, she's getting paid to parade around in front of the camera crew.

But that wasn't the worst. The worst was the scene where Todd and Sarah go climbing near Mt. McKinley. Unbelievable annoyingness ensues. Palin, who reminds us several times that she's extremely afraid of heights, decides to climb up a rock face. It takes her for-fucking-ever. At one point, Palin gets stuck at a certain spot. The next scene has the subtitle "Forty-five minutes later." Sarah hasn't moved.

It's not that she's a bad climber; it's that she's the most obnoxious climber in the world. Although, to her credit, she makes it to the top, she complains literally every step of the way. And she does it in the most whiny, nasally voice you've ever heard. It's the kind of sound that will haunt your nightmares.

But here's the thing that really blows my mind. I can only imagine that Palin demanded that she get final cut on these episodes or, at the very least, that TLC portray her positively. So it follows that she believes that she was being portrayed positively. So although she actually came across as a nagging, whiny, obnoxious, spoiled, unintelligent brat of a woman, in her mind, she's being portrayed as some sort of soccer-mom messiah. The cognitive dissonance is making me dizzy.

I cannot find the basis to believe that Sarah Palin is anything other than a moron. She cannot ever be allowed to have nuclear launch codes in her possession. But as a reality-TV star--as someone, in other words, for average Americans to judge and laugh at--Sarah Palin is perfect.

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