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Oh My God, The Lost Symbol Was Awful

January 29, 2011 2:42 PM

read The Lost Symbol under the same circumstances as I read all of Dan Brown's other books: on a cross-country flight, desperately trying anything at all to make the thing seem shorter. In that situation, I always think that an unchallenging, easy to follow, infuriatingly awful book is the way to go. So when I was waiting in the Milwaukee Airport to go home for Christmas, I was delighted to see that Dan Brown's latest monstrosity had been released in paperback, because there's no fucking way I'd pay hardcover prices for one of these things.

I bought the thing expecting it to be terrible. I would have been disappointed if it had been anything better than bad. But The Lost Symbol wasn't terrible or even bad. It was the most infuriatingly awful book I've ever read. Bar none.

I could complain about how annoying it is that Robert Langdon has an almost pathological need to lecture, even while he's being chased by bad guys with guns. Or I could bitch about the fact that Brown apparently thinks that associating a name with one or two quirks is the same thing as creating characters. Robert Langdon is claustrophobic and has a Mickey Mouse watch. Peter Solomon wants to keep his secrets at all costs. Katherine Solomon puts her hair behind her ears when she's nervous. Every time we read about Katherine Solomon, she's putting her hair behind her ears, as if Brown wants us to think "This character is so fleshed out, I feel like I know her. For example, I know that she's nervous right now because she always tucks her hair behind her ears when she's nervous. Wow, Dan Brown sure can write." What the fuck? Does Katherine Solomon never just have to get her fucking hair out of her eyes?

OK, right, I could bitch about all of that. But that's all secondary and, besides, that's exactly what you should expect when you pick up a Dan Brown book. No, this post is so that I can bitch about this book's plot. This plot is so nonsensical that I honestly cannot imagine how it actually got written, edited, and released in this form. Let me walk you through the plot of this fucking book. Spoilers follow, show you want to read this thing for yourself for whatever reason.

Peter Solomon is a billionaire Freemason. He's also Robert Langdon's father figure and mentor. Why haven't we heard about him before in any of the other Robert Langdon books? Who cares. Move on. Oh, right, Peter Solomon. Peter had a son, Zachary. Zachary was a huge fuck up. When he was eighteen, Peter insisted on giving him a choice: Zach could either take his inheritance, which apparently consisted of a nearly inexhaustible amount of money, or a small stone pyramid. For reals. Zach, being a fuck up but not an idiot, takes the money. He uses the money to buy yachts and hookers and blow. He eventually ends up in a European prison. Peter goes to the prison, where the warden offers to release Zach in exchange for a bribe. Peter refuses to pay the bribe and leaves. One of the prisoners overhears this conversation and hatches a plan. Days later, a body that is apparently Zach's turns up, everyone believes he's dead, and everyone goes on with their lives.

Until one day when Peter and his family are at their secluded supermansion. A masked figure breaks into the house and demands that Peter hand over the small stone pyramid. Peter refuses, so the masked figure kills Peter's wife and flees. Peter chases the intruder, shoots him, and watches as he falls off a cliff into a frozen river. The body's never found, but everyone just assumes he died.

Later, Robert Langdon goes to Washington, D.C. Through a series of stupid events, he ends up with the small stone pyramid. He discovers that the pyramid is the key to unraveling the mystery of a legendary Masonic treasure. According to the legend, the treasure is hidden somewhere in Washington, and it is something that can turn a mortal man into a god. Literally. Throughout his adventures, various figures--including Peter Solomon--make it clear to Robert Langdon that the pyramid and the secret it leads to cannot be allowed to fall into the wrong hands because, if it did, it would lead to unimaginably bad consequences for everything and everyone and everything. The secret is Just. That. Powerful.

We discover that the masked man that broke into Peter's house is Mal'akh, a crazy guy who really wants to become a god. He kidnaps Peter and tortures him in order to find out about the pyramid. When that's not enough, he kidnaps Peter's sister, Katherine, and tortures her, telling Peter that he'll stop when he reveals the secret of the pyramid. At no point does Peter even consider giving up the secret. It's Just. That. Important.

Eventually, we find out that Mal'akh and Zach are one and the same (fucking surprise surprise). Mal'akh's plan fails. Everything is cool. But Peter decides that Robert Landon deserves to know the truth about the Masonic treasure, so he blindfolds him, takes him to where it's hidden, unblindfolds him, and then tells him that they're at the Washington Monument. Then he tells him that the super-secret, super-powerful Masonic treasure is a copy of the Bible hidden inside the subterranean cornerstone of the Washington Monument. The Bible is sealed inside the cornerstone, which is itself buried under the monument, meaning that it is completely inaccessible. And it is literally nothing more than a really old copy of the Bible. It's just a normal, old, dusty book. It doesn't have magic powers. And Peter Solomon knew this the whole time.

So let's review. A masked gunman broke into Peter Solomon's house and demanded the pyramid. Peter refused to give it up and, as a result, his wife dies. The same person then kidnaps him and tortures him in order to get to the secret the pyramid points to. Peter doesn't cooperate. The bad guy then kidnaps Peter's sister and tortures her, but still Peter refuses to give up the deep, meaningful secret of the pyramid. Peters friends tell us repeatedly throughout the book that they know with absolute certainty that Peter would rather die than risk the secret of the Masonic treasure being revealed. That's how important it is that this thing stay a secret.

And then we find out that, at each of these points, Peter has been aware that the pyramid might as well say, "Check into a hotel and look in the nightstand drawer." In fact, it might be better if you went and bought a new copy of the Bible because the one that's in the Washington Monument is sealed up so tight that no one can ever get to it.

Literally the entire plot is driven by the idea that the Masonic secret is so powerful and dangerous that it must be kept hidden at all costs. But the guy who's primarily responsible for keeping the secret knows throughout the story that the secret is neither powerful nor dangerous, yet he still insists that it be kept secret. Until the end, at which point he decides that he might as well just tell people.

That's the plot of the book. Or, rather, that is the hole around which Dan Brown attempts to build a plot.

It honestly makes me angry that talented writers can't get published while Dan Brown is out there stringing words together at random and making millions of dollars because of it.

And it makes me even angrier that I've contributed to his stack of money. Somewhere in his house is a roll of Scotch tape or something that my buying of his books paid for. I hope Dan Brown chokes on that roll of tape.



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