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April 6, 2007

Spring Break: Day Seven: "They Fucked With the Wrong Mexican!"

Today was our last day in beautiful Marco Island, Florida. We weren't sad, I don't think. We're ready to go back--even if we don't want to. The entire trip to this point went very smoothly without any incident. It makes sense, then, that today was marked by not one but two debacles, although I may be alone in thinking that the second thing counts as a "debacle." The day started quietly enough; we woke up, cooked some burgers, and hung around the pool. Yvette and Lindsay wanted to go to the beach, but none of the rest of us did;...

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Spring Break: Day Six: The Beach

We finally made it down to the beach together. We hung out in the water for a long time. It was probably a little bit cooler than I would haved liked, but it was still very nice. We got out of the water after a while and sat on the beach. And that's when my sunburn started. See, I'm opposed to wearing sunscreen. I'm Mexican, goddamnit, and my people have spent hundreds of years developing dark skin with the sole purpose of protecting us from the sun. I don't need the extra protection of stupid coconut-smelling, oily lotion. So, yes,...

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Spring Break: Day Five: Bocce and Coldstone

We woke up remarkably early, seeing as how some of us were incredibly, ridiculously drunk (X-tina, I'm looking at you here). As soon as we got up, PH, Vice, and I began our search for bocce balls. I called up the nearest Wal-Mart to make sure that they had them. The guy said he'd transfer me to the sporting goods department, but then no one answered. We should have taken that as an harbinger of the general incompetence that's required to work at Wal-Mart. We decided to just drive the fifteen miles to the Wal-Mart because we also needed to...

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April 5, 2007

I'm Not Usually Like This

I've been thinking a lot lately about what the hell's been going on with me. And I think I finally came up with an explanation. I've been in Florida for several days now. Usually, when I leave Madison, I leave Smash and Lily in the apartment and someone agrees to come feed them every day. As a result, I usually worry: what if something happened during the night, like with Buttercup; what if there's not enough water; what if the cats are just really, really bored? This time, however, they're in someone else's apartment and, while that means I've got...

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Spring Break: Day Four: Nothing and Minigolf

We sat around a lot on our fourth day in Florida. I don't think any of us minded. We watched some TV, I finished High Fidelity, which was great, and we generally relaxed. Our pool kicks ass. After doing approximately nothing for the whole day, most of us (Purple Hays excluded because she had to do "work") went and played mini golf. As was to be expected, I didn't do very well, although I did better than Mr. Utah, who pretty much stank up the whole place. The winner, I believe, was Mr. Vice. More importantly, however, was the fact...

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April 3, 2007

Spring Break: Day Three: Fear Not the Spiders

Utah started the day off in the best possible way: by asking me to take him to the doctor. Apparently, his ear was hurting or something. So, we loaded up in the Town & Country, I drove everyone down to the beach, and then drove Utah to the doctor's office. It was a forty-five minute drive. When we got there, the woman behind the counter was a huge bitch, and she refused to confirm that Utah's insured. Whatever, they took him back there, he was there for about twenty minutes, and then came out, cured. Turns out that he got...

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April 1, 2007

Spring Break: Day Two: Concerning Pools and Shrimp

Our first full day in Florida was extremely awesome. First, we woke up at about noon or so. Maybe later. When we finally got our shit together, we headed to some restaurant for breakfast and then to the grocery store, where we bought enough food to feed a small army. We came back to our awesome house, jumped in our excellent pool, and had pretty much the best time ever. We started off by playing a good amount of pool volleyball. The fact that the pool goes from very shallow to very deep in a short distance complicated the whole...

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Spring Break: Day One: Wow, This Is Way Better than the Monaco

Today has been a long day. I woke up at seven in the morning. The first thing I thought when my alarm went off was "Jesus, why the fuck is my alarm going off? I don't have anything to do today. I can sleep in all I fucking want today. Fuck this, I'm turning off the alarm and going back to bed." Then, I was struck by the sudden realization that I actually had a lot to do today--namely, I had to travel fifteen hundred miles to Florida. So I woke up, gathered my shit, showered, cleaned out the seXterra,...

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March 31, 2007

We're Going to Fucking Florida!

Yes, it's that time of year again: spring break. In no less than seven hours, we will all have gathered and will be well on our way to getting ready to get started traveling to West Palm Beach. From the West Palm Beach airport, we will get our rental car, drive across the Florida penninsula, get to the place that has the keys to our house, get the keys, and then get to our house. It promises to be a long, long day. But that's ok--I know this week is going to be pretty much spectacular. I would consider everyone...

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March 21, 2006

Spring Break Index

There will be several spring break-related posts. I will be unable to post all of these simultaneously. Therefore, i've created this index, which i will keep as the most recent post, as a sort of table of contents. Ready to be read right now: A Spring Break Primer: Know Your Spring Breakers Day One: Skunks and Antiques Day Two: Florida is a Long Fucking Cock Day Three: Us Against The Man Day Four: Chillin’ Out, Maxin’, Relaxin’ and Coolin’ Day Five: Twilight to Starlight and Dawn to Dusk Day Six: King Three Off-Suit and Telekinesis Day Seven: Popozao and Pax...

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Spring Break: Day Nine: All Good Things . . .

10:39 am Final cleanup of the room has started. Zachar is massively hung over. I’m doin’ alright. Cole’s ready for first shift, I’m taking second. Man, it’s really over... 12:40 pm Just had lunch at the Denny’s across the street from the beautiful Monaco. Now we’re heading north on A1A, beginning our 24-hour trek to Wisconsin. We’re keeping the music low in order to avoid “noise-induced vomiting� on Zachar’s part. We walked down to the beach one last time before we left. Man, it’s beautiful down here. It’s hard to leave, especially considering all the work we have to do....

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Spring Break: Day Eight: South Beach

7:23 pm Today is our last full day in Florida. We woke up at about 1. I was only slightly hung over. After our final covertly prepared meal, we got ready to go down to South Beach. I wore pants, planning to change later. The reason for this is that I had to rinse my swim trunks and didn’t want to wear them for the half-hour drive while they were wet. Why did I have to rinse them, you ask? Well, you see, something very strange is happening. I don’t know what it is, but all of my swim trunks...

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Spring Break: Day Seven: Popozao and Pax Americana

DISCLAIMER: I was drunk when I wrote this. I've left all the spelling errors and stuff in for flavor. The first thing we did today was cooking burgers covertyly. The first thing Ryan saw was Russian douchebags in their thongs. Then, we decided that it was time to leave, so we went down to our parking lot. On our way down, we saw those fucking Russian douchebags in their ass-flossy-man-thongs. And the Lord said it was bad. We got down to the seXterra, and we realized that the stupid sluts from North Carolina also drove an Xterra. Ryan came up...

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Spring Break: Day Six: King Three Off-Suit and Telekinesis

Surprisingly, we woke up late today. Cole and Chris went down to the beach at about 1. Ryan and I continued to sleep. Ryan got up a while later and went for a walk. I stayed in bed until about 3 or so. Then we played some shuffleboard, Cole and I against Ryan and Chris. Cole and I got our asses kicked. Twice. After shuffleboard, we left the beautiful Monaco Resort heading for the most amazing place on Earth: the Crazy Buffet. That’s right, once again, we paid an unbelievably small amount of money (this time $18, because it’s a...

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Spring Break: Day Five: Twilight to Starlight and Dawn to Dusk

EDITED: This post now includes man-thongs, which i had neglected to enter in my original post. Apologies all around. Where to begin... I guess chronologically will suffice. We woke up early this morning. By “early,� I mean 9:30. That’s definitely way early by MZRM spring break standards. After (covertly) cooking an awesome breakfast of burgers and brats, we departed the lovely Monaco Resort. Destination: Cole’s grandparent’s house in Ft. Meyers. After driving for a while, we arrived. Cole’s grandpa served as the state Republican assemblyman from Osh Kosh for 20 years. Note, that he’s a staunch Republican. We sat and...

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March 20, 2006

Spring Break: Day Three: Us Against The Man

5:17 pm We woke up this morning at about 11. It was a good night’s sleep. Zachar apparently talked in his sleep last night. About greyhounds. Our first mission was to get food. We went to the Denny’s across the street and liked it. Next, we went to Wal-Mart and bought a massive amount of food, as well as an electric George Foreman-type grill. This is the only way we can make our own food, it turns out, because grills are not allowed in the hotel or on the beach. We also got a bunch of hamburgers and brats. We...

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Spring Break: Day Two: Florida is a Long Fucking Cock

Eventually, under the control and stewardship of Mr. McNamara, we penetrated Tennessee. At long last, the South and I had come face to face. Since that time, I have counted a mere 5 confederate flags. I now can see that my fear of being lynched was largely unfounded. Still, the South is a strange fucking place. Tennessee was an interesting place. There began to be landscape again, an interesting change from the vast expanse of wasteland that was southern Illinois. We saw a sign that said: “Beaver Carpets.� I don’t know if it was the slap-happiness, but that fucking sign...

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Spring Break: Day One: Skunks and Antiques

I had never been through southern Illinois, really. Maybe the time I went to Cuba, Il. I don’t really remember. In any event, we went through Southern Illinois today and let me tell you: it fucking sucks. First, a review of the events to this point: The pick ups were all smoothly executed. After a triumphant farewell meal at Burger King (after which a suitcase attacked Zachar) we departed. We drove through Rockford and then around Chicago. Eventually, we found ourselves driving through southern Illinois. We made the following observations: There is a city called “Dix, IL�There is a city...

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A Spring Break Primer: Know Your Spring Breakers

First, an introduction to the cast of characters: This is Chris "The Hammer" Zachar, the most hilarious partner in Tapia, Zachar, Ruby & McNamara. His killing power is off the charts. Next up: Mr. Ryan Patrick McNamara. Don't let the quiet demeanor fool you, Ryan's a crazy son of a bitch: Ryan can drink seven bottles of vodka and not so much as slur. Next, I present Cole "The Ocho-Wrangler" Ruby. He might not drink, but he sure knows his way around an oreo cookie. More importantly, he knows how to keep it together when man-thong wearing Russians take over...

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March 19, 2006

Total, Unmitigated Success

Alright, i'm back from spring break. Let me tell you, it was awesome. I had a great time, and i can't believe i have to be here in Madison. Even worse, i can't believe i'll have responsibilities again tomorrow. Ugh. Ok, i kept a running diary of the trip. I will post that here as soon as the pictures are uploaded. In the meantime, i expect to enjoy my last few hours of spring break by doing nothing related to the law....

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March 10, 2006

Spring Motherfuckin' Break!!!!!!!!!

Alright, i am all packed, i am ready to go. I'm leaving now and picking everyone up. I've got the camera, the iPod and enough clothes. I don't think i'm forgetting anything. But, if i am, i'm fucked. Oh well, man, i guess i've gotta live my life. I will have my laptop on the trip, and i will attempt to update the blog with pictures and stories of how awesome florida is. I will do this mostly for the benefit of PJ....

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