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March 22, 2009

Unmitigated Douchebag at the Five Guys

Mr. Vice, RPM, and I were at Five Guys this afternoon picking up some food before heading back to RPM's place to watch the Battlestar Galactica finale (which, despite the efforts of RPM's DVR, was awesome). And it was then that I saw one of the biggest douches ever acting like a giant fucking douche. And then I called him on it. I don't know how many of you have been to Five Guys, but it's this burger place. It's pretty good. One of the distinctive things about it is that they have giant boxes full of peanuts for you...

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February 25, 2009

This Is Crossing the Fucking Line

I've grudgingly accepted the fact that, in our society, you can now be famous and admired for absolutely no reason. There are young girls in America that look up to Paris Hilton. That, right there, should be enough to let you know that something is seriously wrong with everything. But I think there's someone who's actually worse than Hilton. That person is Heidi Montag. I can't even come up with a good way of expressing exactly how worthless this thing is, so I'm going to resort to analogies. If Paris Hilton is a hangnail, Heidi Montag is inoperable brain cancer....

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January 7, 2009

Fuck You, UPS (Part MMXCLIIVq)

Those fucking fucks at UPS are at it again. I was expecting a package today, but I knew that I wasn't going to be home in time to be here when they tried to deliver it. So I was prepared for another fight with these worthless fucks. Here, now, is the timeline of how this shit went down. 6:58: I come home, see that UPS has left a sticker on my door, take it, and go to UPS.com to arrange to pick up my package tonight. 6:59: UPS.com has completely failed. The InfoNotice number that I am specifically told to...

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July 27, 2008

Seventeen

Here's an interesting question that came up last night--and when I say "came up," I mean "I brought up and then repeated over and over again." What is the highest number of orgasms you've ever had in one day? As the title of this post suggests, mine is seventeen. In the past when I've told people this, they've reacted with shock and disbelief. I don't think it's that amazing--a bored fourteen-year-old boy with lots of time on his hands, a boring Saturday, and a free preview of Cinemax can do a lot good. Seventeen times, to be precise. I mean,...

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July 20, 2008

I'm Just Sayin'

In a conversation with Co-SME, I just said this, which I thought was awesome: Cynicism always trumps faith, and if it ever doesn't, marry that person. Just saying....

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April 22, 2008

Messages to Random People

First message: There are a lot of things you might be, but one of the things you definitely are is a raging bitch. I mean, I know it, you know it, everybody knows it. It's ok--I'm kind of an asshole. It's just the way we are. Or at least that's what I thought. But today, out of fucking nowhere, you decided not to be a bitch and, instead, to be relatively nice. In fact, extremely nice. Why the fuck did you do that? Were you feeling bad for previously being such a huge bitch? Or do you just have some...

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April 9, 2008

Label Whores Are Idiots

I don't know if any of you ever go to the blogs in my blogroll, but I read most of them regularly. One of my favorites is In It But Not Of It, written by a guy who called mike. I agree with most of the random stuff he writes about and I enjoy his writing style. Recently, however, mike posted about how he spends his money on Lacoste polo shirts. And I thought to myself, "Jesus, that's an absurdly stupid way to spend money." Seriously, $100 for a fucking shirt with a stupid little alligator on it? That's fucking...

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April 7, 2008

I Love My Job

On the drive back from the office today, I saw a man doing what can only be described as power washing dirt. I turned to Mr. Vice and said "So, when you're doing that job, how do you know if you've succeeded?" The man's entire job seemed so futile: even if he succeeded in using the high-powered water to somehow move the dirt around, he could never succeed in eliminating the dirt. And even if he won, what would he really have accomplished? Some piece of pavement that no one's ever noticed and no one ever would might be, in...

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March 20, 2008

I Suck at Small Talk

I think that I'm generally a well-spoken and articulate person. And I think I can be funny and, every now and then, charming. I also realize, though, that these qualities tend to manifest themselves over time rather than during first impressions. For some reason, I often get flustered or something when having meaningless, casual conversations--small talk--with people I don't know. Or, fuck, even with people I do know. For example, I was at the DA's office today picking up some discovery in one of my cases. The secretary there was really nice, and I handed her something I told the...

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March 7, 2008

Fascists Come in All Shapes and Sizes

As some of you may or may not have noticed, I love curse words. Although I have lately attempted to cultivate the ability to curb my use of swearing in certain circumstances, I nonetheless talk like a sailor in normal circumstances. It should come as no surprise, then, that I find South Pasadena's attempt to ban cursing to be, well, fucktarded. South Pasadena's City Council passed a proclamation making the first week in March "No Cussing Week." It's a largely symbolic gesture aimed at increasing civility and "elevat[ing] the level of discourse." Because there's no better way to elevate discourse...

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February 15, 2008

Concerning Death Threats and Shootings

When I was a senior in high school, I was expelled because a girl in one of my classes accused me--falsely--of threatening to kill her, several other students, and a teacher. This girl and I did not get along. I thought she was arrogant and obnoxious. I'm sure she thought that and much worse things about me. On this particular morning, we were in homeroom, and the class was watching Channel One. I think that they were airing something about the shootings at Columbine High School. I remember being annoyed at the coverage and saying that I thought that various...

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January 27, 2008

Of Repression and Butt Babies

Apparently, the FCC, those minions of repression and near fascism, have decided to fine ABC almost $1.5 million after it showed a naked female butt during prime time. There are a couple of things I'd like to say here. First of all, our society really needs to get its head out of its ass. Everyone has butts, just like some people have tits and vaginas and other people have cocks. It's not the fucking end of the world, and it's a stupid attitude to decide that all nudity is inherently offensive or sexual or whatever. I mean, seriously. Why do...

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November 19, 2007

Apology to the Guy at the Best Buy

For various reasons, it was imperative that Mr. Utah replace his dead laptop this weekend. Partially to that end, he drove down to Madison from his home in the North. L-Dawg and I took him to Best Buy to check out the selection. That was our first mistake. See, the Best Buy rarely has the best buys. In fact, I hate the Best Buy. If it wasn't for the fact that they're the largest electronics store in the city, I'd never go there. Fuck them. Their computer selection was underwhelming, to say the least. That, combined with Mr. Utah's frugal--almost...

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November 17, 2007

You Probably Don't Measure Up

Although I have no evidence to support this conclusion, I'm fairly certain that there are a large number of female readers of this blog that want me. Like, sexually. While I'd love nothing more than to satisfy you all in some sort of huge orgy scenario, I'm really pretty much into monagamy. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to post some of the things I must and must not have in a woman. If this is you, then you win. If not, then please try to move on with your life and know that someday, somewhere, you'll...

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October 7, 2007

Electric Six Kicks Ass

Ph, Mr. Vice, and I went to the High Noon Saloon tonight to see Electric Six, the Gore Gore Girls, and We Are the Fury. I had never heard any of these bands tonight, but I was blown away by how awesome the show was. In fact, I'd have to say that this was the best show I've seen in a while. In terms of musicianship and performance quality, it probably wasn't as good as Built to Spill. But, in terms of sheer fun, this was definitely the best show I've seen at least since college. And in terms of...

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September 10, 2007

Things that Made Me Angry Today

I went and watched Shoot 'Em Up with Mr. Vice, pH, and New Guy today. God, that movie sucked a whole fucking lot. I don't know if Mr. Vice is planning on posting a review, so I'll just say this: I thought about asking for my money back after the movie was over, but decided that getting my $5.75 back wouldn't be sufficient. In fact, if they had given me the fucking movie theatre itself, I still would have considered the day a loss. It was fucking terrible. But, strangely enough, the movie wasn't the thing that made me angriest...

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September 12, 2006

Horribly Inappropriate Things I've (Almost) Said

Second and third-year students at the University of Wisconsin Law School are alowed to pick one class per semester to "pass/fail." What this means is that, for whatever class they pick, they take the class normally, are graded normally, and then are assigned either an "S," for satisfactory, or a "U," for unsatisfactory in lieu of a number grade. Last semester, I pass/failed Insurance Law because it was my most boring class, it was my earliest class, and because, due to the previous two points, I thought I'd probably do absolutely no work. When I took the exam, I was...

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February 2, 2006

Horribly Inappropriate Things I've Said, Part I(a)

Ok, this is an update to this post. I felt really bad about my horribly inappropriate (though, i still think, funny) comment. So, i found the 1L's email address and sent her an email in which i apologized profusely. I then saw her in the atrium, and she seemed to indicate that things were cool. Today, Jody and Tony and i were sitting in the atrium, talking about the incident. To my surprise, someone next to me said "yeah, i've heard about this." Turns out, this person is in the 1L's class, and the 1L was talking about the incident...

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January 31, 2006

Horribly Inappropriate Things I've Said, Part I

Ok, i'm sitting in the atrium, i'm kinda bored. I start talking to this 1L. I tell her that she should not study or care, jokingly. She says she wants a good job. I say she won't get it. She says "why?" I say "because you're a woman." No one laughs....

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